olivia benson saved my life tonight (700 something and one)

another letter

once, we were on the phone after i exercised and you laughed at me and said i should ignore the media and that i didn't need to lose weight, which was a ridiculous thing to say to a person since i hadn't even mentioned my intentions exercising in the first place.

i just find it charming though. maybe it's that i'm so egotistical, it truly surprises me when others have me pegged. this occurrence is rare.

but it wasn't really what you said that was very insightful or spectacular in any way, maybe just your...audacity. and you knowing that i like to feel precious.

*        *         *

today my ribs hurt. i went through this period after high school where my ribs hurt all the time because i'd torn tissue in my esophagus.

now it's because of the exercise. i'm gonna lose thirty pounds, even though everyone says it's impossible. "you know if you want to lose weight really fast" dad says, and then suggests interval training...but yesterday i did weights for an hour and then a really intense 45 minute cardio workout, and now i can hardly move. mostly i've just been sitting around all day trying to file my taxes and watching Law and Order: SVU.

one was this girl who was being raped and locked in a dungeon thing by her father for six years, and another one was fin trying to find this dead junkie's baby cause he felt bad for mistreating the girl's mother during an under cover operation, and one was two soldiers on some antimalarial that made them crazy suicidal rapists.

i don't write so much because there's less to say. just moving around the house, slowly. cooking. watching TV. trying to take care of Billy Butters' URI.

ever since i got my period, i've been feeling sexual again, like i reset. i miss the celibacy thing, though. i didn't feel so needy. life stopped being consumed with getting off. i didn't even really try, so it's not like i felt much guilt over whatever i though during the process.

this morning while i was sleeping, this man John called me. he laughs a lot, he laughed in the voicemail he left me, and he gives me confused feelings. i told my sister today, "john gives me these feelings" and i almost told her that lately i've been having these short and spontaneous fantasies of him biting my collar bone while i straddle him, but he's practically her father ("he sent me a package for my birthday, but i haven't gotten it yet." she'd said. "no, dad didn't call me." she'd said.) and i didn't want to freak her out.

she just paused, anticipating, i guess, the possibility of "sometimes i want to say provocative things to him to see what he does." but instead i said something even truer, "it's like, when i talk to him, i think, why doesn't my father love me?"

*     *       *

last night in this dream i had, christina stepped on Billy Butters. it was horrible. it was like from the green mile, i tried to save him and all these bubbles came out of him, too. then he was this little plastic thing. like a clear acrylic key chain full of water, but there were cracks full of blood, and i was this doctor.

and the garage i was in, the owners came home, so i ran outside to this pool party. and everyone looked at me like, "gross, you don't shave your armpits." and i just looked back like, "f**k you, i'm a dyke." but i still felt kind of ashamed.

*      *      *

she says it's awesome to have someone as caring as john in her life, and that it's difficult because he becomes this baseline of comparison. to our dad.

sometimes i wonder if i'm capable of making love with a man without intending to relive one of several confusing, semi traumatic sexual events of my childhood. i want to be held with a deep understanding and curiosity, but it doesn't seem possible for anyone to access and heal those parts of me if i won't even really look at them. reconciling my relationships with my dad and men and younger versions of myself isn't something anyone else can do for me. maybe once i work through things i can feel more normal. or maybe i can't be with men.

a couple days ago in my horniness, i turned on some soft core you can find in the on demand after dark section of HBO or showtime or something. and i watched these women grinding against each other. it was so wonderful.

 

Reviews

[T. R. Writer]

First, I can't believe I'm the first one reviewing this. Second, this is some of the most amazing, well written work I've read on here or any place in a long time! It's really clear, deep and entertaining while at the same time giving me the feeling of looking into a diary I have no business looking at. You're an amazing writing and I definitely look forward to reading more of your work.