A First Kiss

Everyones fantasy....

Our first KISS
 

So we have known this for a time   a long time This innocence this pretending this need We only know each other innocently or do we? We act like it isn't in the air but it's all over the air We both try to pretend everything is OK that we don't really need this to happen Neither of us want to be the first to risk anything This need of ours is so mutual  but why? Why do we both have to pretend the giant pink elephant isn't in the room? Who has the most to lose?  who wants to make the first move? Who wants to take the risk to enjoy such pleasure? Who will it be?

Reviews

[ms. barrie]

i love this, i agree: this is very, relatable, beautiful poem:

"This innocence this pretending this need

We only know each other innocently or do we?

We act like it isn't in the air but it's all over the air"

- these lines say so much, written with eloquence and beauty, amazing! looking forward to reading more of your work. thank you for reviewing some of my writes, i truly appreciate it :)

[soliloquy]

Thank you so much from the heart....I really appreciate it.

[Abby]

What a cute poem. :) It is so easy to relate to, and it's very easy to just imagine having that feeling of wanting to make the first move, but you can't because you're not sure what's going to wind up happening.

Great write.

[soliloquy]

Thank you. That makes me feel good.

[Abby]

You are very welcome. :)

[soliloquy]

You are kind. That makes it easier to continue writing

[Abby]

It is no problem at all, K. :)

[soliloquy]

Hugs. I appreciate you.

[Abby]

I appreciate you too. :) *hugs*

[s y e]

I loved this! It was great!

[soliloquy]

Thanks! I am glad you liked it. A first kiss is insane isnt it?

[s y e]

OMG! Yah it is! I remember mine clear as day! Scariest time ever! LOL

[soliloquy]

But nice...right?

[s y e]

Yeah it was

[Katie]

Great start! I love what you're trying to do here, that burning tension felt between two people when something is expected to happen. However, the structure is a bit of a mess.

I understand that you're trying to depict the speed and confusion of thought by a lack of punctuation, but it doesn't really have that effect. (You're a teacher so I may be preaching to the choir here, but stick with me for a minute.)

English is a language that is dependent on audial context. Where you pause or emphasize can COMPLETELY change the way you read a phrase or even a word.

For example: I didn't /tell/ her to steal that! (and) I didn't tell /her/ to steal that!

Those two sentences have two different meanings depending on the words emphasized. They flow differently, and have a different effect on the reader. In the same way, in order to achieve any effect in poetry, you need to create the pattern of emphasis you want the reader to follow. If there are no faux audial signposts to follow in the writing, it only distracts the reader from the subject, no matter how vividly it reads in your mind.

Am I making any sense?

[SparrowSong]

Ah, the anticipation, the wanting, but the fear that if it does happen, what if it is no good? The building of this is nicely done, and yet...we still don't know, did the kiss actually happen? One can almost sense the held breath within this frantic thinking before the first kiss. Very nice.

[soliloquy]

:0). Thank you for your review/comment. And yes, it did.

[Tiffany Kelley]

I clicked on this simply because of the title. Who doesn't honestly remember their first kiss on matter how much time has gone by? I really enjoyed your personal reflection on the topic of a first kiss. It is totally different from my own experience but that's why I like it. I like to learn about others experiences through the flow of words. Did you write this from your very own personal experience or was it something you just wanted to write about?

There was some things I was confused by. Mainly the longer spaces between certain words and punctuation but I am absolutely not the person to criticize on forms and techniques. I am still fairly new to poetry so the way you performed this is probably the correct way.

I absolutely loved this specific stanza "Who has the most to lose? who wants to make the first move?" because it reached inside of me and my own experience. That exact thought was exactly what was running through my mind during my first kiss. It's almost like deciding to go to war. Who has the most to lose? Who wants to make the first move? I couldn't have worded that feeling better myself. Thank you for putting down emotion in such a flawless way. I appreciate good reads like this!

[Craba]

i really enjoy this read, wonderful and beautiful

[soliloquy]

Thank you! you are kind.

[Robbie~xoxo~]

Sometimes the attraction is so electrifying that it can't be ignored... and the waves of questions come crashing down... what to do, what to do...

I like the the anticipation building in this piece. Well penned!

[soliloquy]

Thank you. Very nice of you to say.... This was real about 7 yrs ago.

[Bette]

Very sweet, the butterfly's in your belly, suffocating anticipation! Well done

[M.M.I]

A feeling that can be related to by many. Blatant and direct. Nice

[soliloquy]

Thank you so much....