Submission

Submission…

 

I am giving up…

 

Their thoughts…their words…their actions…

 

Their unapproving attitude…

 

Disappointment written plainly on their face…

 

The blow hits so hard….

 

I’m left unable to breathe…

 

Their lack of approval…

 

Strikes my very core…

 

I wonder…

 

Is there anything worse…

 

For nothing…

 

Nothing…

 

Could hurt me worse…

 

Than to make them unhappy…

 

But still I am here…

 

Somewhere in the middle…

 

Caught between two worlds…

 

Running back and forth…

 

Between two separate lives…

 

Two worlds…

 

That I wish could merge…

 

Merge into one…

 

Making me one…

 

Making me whole…

 

The old age saying…

 

You can’t have…

 

The best of both worlds…

 

So here I lie…

 

Broken…

 

Searching for….

 

Hoping for…

 

Someone…

 

Something...

 

Anyone…

 

Anything…

 

To grab ahold…

 

To grasp my hand…

 

My weak and lifeless hand…

 

To lead me to the light…

 

To some unwavering source of strength…

 

Where I can there reside…

 

In the non-existent…

 

Happily forever after…

 

Of my life…

 

Until then…

 

I am giving up…

 

Submission…

Author's Note

Any thoughts are appreciated. I don't even know if you can call this a poem but it seemed to sum up my thoughts at the time pretty well.

Reviews

[alesuriko]

Great poem, (and yes you can call it a poem). I liked reading it. The style and the flow really give emphasis to the weakness and the giving up the speaker is doing. I enjoyed the dilemma of the two worlds, I could really feel from this poem.

I do have some tips though, in your line "But there’s the old age saying…" I think it would sound better and flow more smoothly if you changed it to "the age old saying" it sounds more natural I think. Also with "Searching for... / Hoping for someone... / Something..." It might fit the flow better to use "Searching for... / Hoping for... / Someone... / Something..." just a suggestion though. And in your case, "a hold" should be one word.

[Jessica]

Kind of reminds me of being 14 and ... well "coming out". Hard times girl. Hard times. I'm not sure if that's what this is about but... well that's what it is for me I suppose. I like it though.

[Annette Jay Sweeney]

Considering the form, with all the ellipsis, I would normally get caught up in making a mental pause there. However, in this piece you continue the flow well enough that I found I worked my way through with ease. It's a powerful piece. I can guess as to what was going on. I can only imagine how that feels.

The only suggestion I have right now is to try playing with images to say what you want to convey, instead of stating it. "Show, don't tell".

[Mauricio Montoya]

The way I see it, is to be humble, we look within for the answers to life’s every the struggles. The way this piece comes together make it very insightful.
Excellent write.

[Rory CJ Frankson]

************************************************************************ It's a Poem ***************
Poems regardless are about venting thoughts and feelings! The one is you. The sum total. The person that experience the worlds within. There is a lot to our questing and at times there is no better solution then the pen. Or whatever.
I use more the processor no. No, I'm addicted to the boards instead of problems. I view my reality and put it in Prose form or stories...

I was a youth councilor. I've worked in Foster care. I've worked with twelve year old crack head prostitutes. My program of twenty and I'm now 53, was called Youth for Progress. I don't know if you o the TV program in the States. But as a write,r I helped to inspire the TV series Neon Rider. About a psychologist that work with problem kids on a ranch. A therapy I work with them was animals for one. A kid could have shot his best friend and still love a bunny, or a dog, a horse and, at one point. I had friends with lamas, man they were the best. What worked best for them. I was an Artist, a bard singer/songwriter and I taught them how to talk through poetry!
***************************************************************************good job sharing ****
Write On / Right On! Ro. 05/26/10.
11:27pm. Quesnel BC CANADA Peace & Soul

[Justin Street]

I would describe this as the stream of consciousness of a lost soul. I agree with all said below. Each line really carried you to the next depressing, (yet) hope grabbing piece of the writer's mindset. Well done- Justin