Acceptance

Sorry it took so long. I had other things on my mind besides our disagreement.

I admit. I was stupid. What I thought was wrong. Holding the power to destroy people in my hands was tempting. I wanted it with every breath I took, every thought I had. At first I told myself it was just another thing to learn, something to live through. And in that I was right. It was just another thing to learn. Its not the facts themselves that are dangerous. Its the person you in trust those facts into. I wasn't meant to learn what you taught me. And we both should have realized that. If your god would have wanted me to have that knowledge he would have given it to me, but then again, I could always argue that he sent me to you so you could teach them to me. Having to decide between so many things, and being who I am. Being careful, and caring. Courageous, and Strong. I wasn't that anymore with your gift. I was slippery. I was low. And I was cowardly for hiding behind a mask. While doing it, I was thinking that I was different. That I wouldn't let it consume me. And it really didn't. What did me in was the fact that the very knowledge I held hurt me. It wasn't supposed to work like that, in my mind. It was supposed to be my security blanket. I wanted that badly. I would kill for it, if I had the chance to get it. I wonder if that makes me selfish..? Probably. I don't really care for that though. I'm going to be both for the rest of my life. Selfish and selfless. I'm going to be confused for the rest of my life. I can always fake my knowledge. The only knowledge I hold is the knowledge that I know nothing now. That the only thing I can do, is feel. Sure, that may cause me to be over reactive. Maybe even over think things if I don't want to react the wrong way when it comes to the people I don't want hurt. Does it honestly matter? Why in the world are we still so focused on something that happened so long ago? I can't imagine us having to have this discussion over and over again for the next 10 or even 20 years. That would be too much. I'm probably going to still look for a security blanket. I still see the bad things in life. And I might have found a potential security blanket. I have many theories after all. I could use love as a security, wouldn't that be ironic? Or I could use the good in the world to give me strength, which isn't all that different from love. I'll find it though, and I'm sorry I caused you so much worry Toni. I really am. I know you love me, because you are my family. And I love you because of that very same reason. From this experience I've gained caution. That's good in my point of view. Or at least for right now. I'm doing okay. I'm not at my best just yet, I still need to heal. I'm just trying harder now. I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work. I'll probably give up. Let's cross our fingers so that won't happen huh?

Author's Note

Sorry for this writing. I'm in far too blunt of a mood to be creative about it. Today, you get to see my thoughts and my problems. Try not to judge me too harshly on them, mkay?