trauma

my response to "healing through words" by rupi kaur prompt 1

The crack in the door

that shines light into my dark, isolated room

I am alone in the shadows

unable to reach out to the light.

I am unsure if I’m incapable,

or if I just believe I don’t deserve it so strongly.

I sit shrouded in darkness

created by my own mind,

a shadowy forest grown and watered by my memories

of yelling,

harsh grabs,

ignored pleas,

words minced through sharp, mean teeth.

No protector to not let them pass 

and they hit me.

I am trapped in this place,

few hold keys to the thick, heavy door that lets in light.

Often I am too weak to even call out for help.

But if I did,

would they even come?

Would they shout at me to get up and open the door myself,

as if it were that easy?

Or,

maybe they would sit with me in my darkness,

hold me until the shadows emanating from me were chased away

by love and hope,

and hold my hand 

as they coax me out of this dark room.

I am afraid to put my trust in someone and have them fail this heavy task.

“does this confirm I am unloveable, unsaveable, truly alone in this world?

were those mean things done to me actually justified because I am just horrible?”

At the same time, 

I am afraid I will be visiting this dark room for the rest of my life.

Incurable.

Perhaps consolable, 

but only temporarily.

Author's Note

just writing to express my feelings, feel cathartic, return to a very old hobby of mine for personal enjoyment/relief.