An Open Letter To My Dead Best Friend

I will no longer keep this a secret.

Dearest friend,

 
We go way back.
I remember
The first day I met you.
I was only a
Bright-faced nine-year-old,
Being laughed at for knowledge
No other could comprehend.

Almost everything
Brings back memories of us.
The smell of you.
The baby blue color of your voice.
Forehead kisses.

Loving you like I've
Never loved before.

As time went by,
We grew closer.

And then it happened.
December 4th, 2013,
At 4:57 in the afternoon.
You took your life.

You've been gone
Almost a year and a half now.
To this day, I am still a wreck.
I cried each night,
Never wanting to
Let go.

Twice
I almost left the way you did.

I remember the days
Where the sky was cloudy,
And
Rain grazed the windows.
We stayed in
Together.
And when the sun revealed itself again...
We were in the same place.
You took something so special from me,
Unforgettable.

Here is the grave.
Here is the home.
Here is what
You left behind.

Do you recall
Our water fights? Our coffee dates?
Do you recall
Our conversations to your sisters and to your mother,
Promising
"Never go too far,"
Even though we almost always did?
How about our plans?

I saw a future with you.
All I wanted from life
Was to be with you.
I remember
The day you slipped the ring on my finger,
And we promised
"No one but each other."

We planned on having children.
We planned on getting married.
We planned to escape
And live a better life
Together,
To be
Happy.

I love you, Ethan.
I love you
More than I've ever loved
Anyone before.
I told you every day, but
That wasn't enough.

I've moved past the point of blaming myself.

I love you,
And we're still promised,
Promise?


Love always,
Alexis