eve in front of ex college

 

               One life to learn so many lessons. Words are flowing in my mind but they are jumbled I can’t help, my mind is loathed with fuss and all mess. As I am sitting here exactly in front of my college on katta with hot coffee beside me and my body curled in ball, I don’t know what I am doing here or where to be? After office I should be heading home with cheerful mood as today is Saturday but that’s the last place I’ll want to go now. And no idea which is the first one so, I came here. Sometimes life is like this only hardcore math problem you can’t hold too tight and not even let it go, you have to figure it out. It’s been one year now and I am ex student for this college and visitor for this place. Once upon a time it used to be my first home and I was part of this buzzing place. Now just observer of the folks for whom I am the future version in formal dress code lost stare smelling like ashtray messy hair and drinking coffee.

               Life changed so much since I last been here in good and bad both ways. Life is surrounded by hundred of things I don’t want. But when I look at the people, couple holding each other’s hands college girls giggling, old man trying to look for his taxi I wonder is life is same for them “turmoil”. Just Like it is for me.

As I was lost in my thoughts I looked at the staircase of my college headed to my past life I still smell lingering axe deodorant of my big-time crush ,my friends giggling with me sandwichwala my cook our farewell and myself smiling awkwardly in my first one-piece, flashes of my memories flashes of good times. We are learner in our college now we are earner. But I wonder what we are earning bunch of notes they are important but so many things left undone so many questions are still unanswered. One big question what I am doing? The one question I avoid to ask myself but weeks of mental instability and torture bring me here to ask my soul this question “what I have done since I left this place” “what is the purpose of my life?”

Work somewhere then eventually marry the guy my parents want and then kids, grow older and die. I never was that type of person. in fast moving city and life I imagined hundred things to do. Some of then I started also then why I am so trashed. Everything I try to find now. but ultimately reach nowhere that’s why from nowhere I am sitting here to find some place to go, find something to do find someone to hold, find some peace for my mind in my lost memories where I learned, I made friends, I laughed, I cried where I discovered myself when I close my eyes holding my knees in my fist tightly I realise I lost myself somewhere back i let myself down for others i am running from something I want to do and  I am here so I can discover myself again I don’t know i will be succeed or not but as my last cigarette turned into ash and as i opened my eyes i know i can give a try for the meaning and purpose of my life.