Married to an Alcoholic

I kept a journal from 1998 to 2000. I cant find the ones from 98 to 99. But here are some from 2000. Maybe it will help others to show they are not alone....

Wednesday Feb 2/2000



He came home from work later than normal. I can tell he has been drinking. I can smell it throughout the house. Also, he was more affectionate than usual.



He actually told our son he loved him. A rare showing of affection towards him. Although he was being an a**hole, I know this is just the early stages of what is to become tonight. I am nervous, shakey too. Hate this feeling. Pathetic he can`t be affectionate to hs own son unless drunk.



Friday Feb 4/2000



Late again. I know he has been drinking. He went right out to the garage because his buddies were there. It`s 7:30 pm. At 12:30am they all went to a local truck stop for breakfast. A typical thing they do. He always says "It sucks when your drunk and have to vomit, but there`s nothing to come up."



When I got up for work he was passed out on the sofa. Said he didn`t remember driving home or anything from that night.



Saturday Feb 5/2000



I guess last night didn`t have any effect. I came home from work at 3pm only to find him drinking in the garage with hs buddies. I usually go into the garage when I get home from work if I see there are cars in our driveway. Just to get a sense of what is to come when he slithers in the house later.



I just dont knw what to do about this situation. I can`t afford to be on my own with 2 young children on my part time job earnings. But I am misearble. This journal helps me, as if the day comes I have to leave, I will have proff of what he has put us through. I feel so sneaky writing these journal entries every day. But I feel comfort, as I imagine myself talking to my mother whom passed away recently, as I write the words. Maybe she is behind me right now reading as I write, wishing she could help.



It`s 6:30 pm and I just slammed the garage door. I went out to ask if they wanted anything to eat. They were eatting pizza and wings. I had just made dinner. I was more hurt than mad. Wish I didn`t reveal it by slamming the door. I surely will hears his thoughts on it when he comes in later. Should I leave and go to bingo until I think he is passed out? I can`t. The cable from my distributor is suddenly missing from my jeep. I wish my mom was still alive. I could go there as she used to live a few streets away. I`m going to bed and pretend to be sleeping. The kids hear us when he is drunk and starts fighting with me. I hate that. I just do the silent treatment usually. He hates that and it makes him mad.



****more to come****