To The One Who Never Got A Chance

A letter to the one person who helped you but never received the chance they deserved.

I know it sounds cliché when someone says “it’s not you, it’s me.” But the fact of the matter is, it is true.

When I saw you for the first time, I didn’t know what you would mean. The longer time went on and we started to change, feelings started to develop, and then I stopped. I sat on my couch while I was texting you for the first time, since we always talked in person, and thought, “why am I doing this?” I overanalyzed the possibilities and the outcomes until I scared myself away. I kept you at a distance because I didn’t know what else to do. The more you tried the more I got scared.

“As much as you like him, you can’t be in a relationship.”

I have been so independent that the thought of someone else being part of my life broke me. I know that I started this. I texted you first and maybe I lead you on even when I didn’t mean to but I want you to know that I’m sorry. One day, you’ll find the love you need and it will be with someone whole, who can love you without restraints. I’m sorry that I barged into your life and maybe strayed you from that path. Forgive me?

Mental illness controls me and I work hard every damn day to gain control back but I haven’t yet and I can’t make you bear that fight with me. I promise that I have thought a lot about this and about how I’m not ready to be loved because I can’t love you the way you deserve. Most people would suggest I just change, like it’s that simple.

Each day, I feel like a different person and maybe the day I finally texted you, even though you had given me your number weeks ago, I was selfish. I knew I wasn’t capable of mentally handling a relationship but I was lonely. Talking to you made me feel better but then again it made me feel worse in the end. Today…. Today I am the selfless me and it’s the day I have to let you go. I want to thank you, because even though I am this broken person, you still saw the good in me. Words will never describe how sorry I am that I couldn’t be wanted you wanted and needed.

Maybe one day I’ll look back and beat myself up for the opportunity I lost but today, I know it’s the right thing to do. Despite everything, you’ll always be a dear friend to me even if you hate me.

So thank you. Thank you for believing in my when I didn’t and thank you for supporting me when I couldn’t bear to hold my head up.