RAIN RAIN GO AWAY

wrote for a contest

RAIN RAIN GO AWAY

 

Rain …

Trains of rains

Through my limbs

From the top to bottom

 

Where can I search for

Whom can I ask for

Words to depict

What I felt

 

Yes I remember,

It is same as what I felt

When he kissed me

For the first time

 

Trains of rains of emotions

Visited me, making me

Shudder at their thunder, so loud

For the first time in my life.

 

Beauty of first rain

Beauty of summer rain

Beauty of first desire

Beauty of first emotional fire

 

All that is beautiful

Doesn’t last long

Just like monsoon

It said adieu after many torrents..

 

He left the world

A world that I thought

Will remain imperishable

In the ramparts of my love for him

 

He walked away like rain itself

Leaving many memories

That tap tapped in my consciousness

Like rain drops from leaves

That once dallied with hurricanes

In a rain of watery emotions

 

To sooth away the pain

Of a deep longing

I sing “Rain Rain Go Away”

While there is no rain in courtyard..

While there are down pours inside me

Of incessant suppressed sobbing

As if it is going to be monsoon the whole year.

Author's Note

wrote it for a contest...
nobody has kissed me yet.....

Reviews

[RDOriginal]

I think this is an interesting poem but I have to agree with Dinesh that the title doesn't really connect so well with the poem and there is a certain awkwardness about the structure. Changes of rhythm and rhyme can often be used to affect the readers pace or highlight a particular image you'd like them to pause over. However, this poem has rather too many and it makes it hard to enjoy as a cohesive piece.

On the positive side there are some good turns of phrase here and some quite raw emotions that you've described very well but for me it didn't quite work structurally which is a shame as I know you've produced some good poems recently that I've really enjoyed.

Please don't be discouraged! There are parts to be proud of here it just didn't really hit that poetic sweet spot for me.

[Alicia Schroeder]

Truly awesome peice.

[Tracie D'Angelo]

I'm gonna have to agree with RichardP in that there was an awkwardness to the structure of the poem. There were a lot of switch ups that didn't necessarily flow. I also thought that there were a lot of broken thoughts and I didn't really catch the true meaning or connection behind the poem.

[Faceless Love]

Lovely poem, you are truly talented.

[Huggy Bear]

A playful poem at heart:)

[Martina]

well done,
a few mistakes, but otherwise its well written and
beauitful :) I like it. 100/100

[.]

"Trains of rains of emotions
Visited me, making me
Shudder at their thunder, so loud
For the first time in my life."

"Nice poetry--you are a true talent indeed--i love this poem}

james:-)

[Ashley Black]

very very good job!

[Dream Weaver]

I thought it was clever and fresh.
Though I hate to agree with Dinesh,
and believe me I do, The title should
be more consistent with your subject
matter. I do think this was and is a
very strong poem.

[Dinesh Sairam]

"All that is beautiful
Doesn’t last long
Just like monsoon"

~ Lines that stood out from the poem.

Here's the best lines from the poem :

"wrote it for a contest...
nobody has kissed me yet....." :P :P :D

Anyways, back to the review.

Though I'm seeing more and more of great poems today, I'm seeing more and more 'uneven' poems (Uneven as in length of lines and syllable count). I don't know if it matters you, but it matters a lot for me (If not the syllable count, the length). Try to make even your verses.

Apart from that, the poem really forecasts some splendid imagery. Though the comparison of rain to a kiss is a cliche, I sat back and enjoyed the way you used it.

The most disturbing thing about the poem is the title. Title has to forecast the pain in the poem. As you know, 'Rain rain go away' is a children's rhyme, so it just doesn't connect with the poetry and ultimately, the pain. See to that, if you please.

PS. It's not 'Sooth', It's 'Soothe' :) 'Sooth' means 'Truth' :)

Keep writing.