I'm done

it my poem to the one that hurt me so deeply

I look at you with hope

I want help to cope

you tell you have always cared

I see you when you stare

I know you always lie

But when ur with me i feel i can fly

I don't know how you explain

My love for you is stained

I can't always want the lies

I can't give in by staring in your eyes

I'll tell you I'm done

I put it to you gently and tell you to look towards the sun

It'll light your way to the perfect person

If you don't notice then you're not worth it

Don't hold it against me, I'm just looking out for me

You'll sit there and beg until I hear your plea

I'm sorry doll, but not this time

don't worry love you've commited too many crimes

 

Author's Note

please reveiw this is my first time putting my work on the internet

Reviews

[Mr_Macbeth]

Okay, it's a good start. And as my teachers have told me as well, there are some cliche's that you can play with. i.e. " I fly" is cliche. If you do not have a rhyming dictionary and plan on writing more of this, I'd pick one up. They are very helpful. You loose your rhyme scheme near the end with person and it. Now you don't need to keep the rhyme, but it's would be worth playing with. Also, practice reading it out loud to hear yourself, and the flow of words. You have a flow at the begining and when you get to fly, it knocks it off that flow. So play with that. Your attitude from the beggining to the end changes, you start off with no attitude. You start with reflection, defeat and pain from the truth about this person then by the end you switch to you're not worth it if you don't notice me, and you use "Doll". Not bad to use this, but it takes away from the mood. Anyway, you're on the right track, keep working with it and find ways to changes the narrators attitude, completely. Maybe find a way of realization for the narrator that makes for a smoother transition of attitude. Don't wed yourself to one idea, play with it constantly. You seem more comfortable towards the end of your work and more exploratory. This shows through when lines begin to get longer, maybe decide how you want to present this piece. So keep it up, the heart is there. Good to write about stuff that hurts. cheers
Mac

[carla]

that is awsome. i like it. now i know u write more than just stories. you really are a natural.