escaping me

My breath escaping me, my heart trying burst out of my chest, feet throbbing as they hit the cold earth. I have nowhere to turn nowhere to go. They pounce on my cold lifeless body, my life line cut into a million pieces but I’m alive, barely. Watching from above as the blood spills out of my very veins.

Then I see him. The man that always comes to save me in my dreams. He’s my best friend. He tares them away from my body, fighting for my rescue; after they’re gone he kneels down by my bloody cold body tears in eyes. He whispers something that I can’t hear. As he picks me up he talks to me telling me not to give up and to keep holding on. He sets me in his BMW then rushes me to a hospital. He knows I would hate it if I had any choice in the matter but I don’t so to him I guess its fair game.

I have loved him for so long, but he won’t show his feelings for me. He always seems to keep his cool, always be calm. No one but me can read him. I want him to know everything about me but some things are just too hard to talk about. I have messed up so many times. What happened just a few moments ago was a result of one of my mess-ups. Everything goes black and I know it had to be a dream because he would never cry in front of me despite the fact that I may as well been dead.

Haseo calls me to see if I am asleep. I pick up the phone, and to my surprise my voice comes out mumbled as I say “hello?” he takes a moment to translate what I had just said into English. Then responds with “Get up time for school” his voice stern and offering no option for negotiation.  “Max get up, NOW” wanting to sound like I know what I’m talking about I say “why does it matter, all people are going to do is make fun of us for just about anything we have done or said. Besides all the teachers hate us, who is here to MAKE us go?” he pauses a moment then in a voice that unmistakably states that the conversation is over says “ no one is MAKING us go, but we ARE going I will drag you there. Now put on your uniform and get there before I make you!” I hang up the phone outraged that he would act like this. Then knowing he’s rite so I get into my uniform a plaid school girl skirt a white collared tee with the tie that has the same colors as the skirt a plain jacket, or it was plain I added a few things. Then to my relief my knee high socks and flats. I put a ribbon in to my hair to keep it from falling in to my face. After applying eyeliner and eye shadow I head out the door only to find Haseo out side my door. He looks at me in such a way I squirm. “Are you ready?” his voice harsh and demanding.

“Why are you so harsh?” I give a fake smile trying to act like it was a joke but failing miserably. He looks at me then pauses “why is your face so damn ugly?” he looks at me giving no clue as the weather he was meaning it or not. Trying to hold back the tears when I say, “why are you such a jack-a*s, you wonder why no one likes you!”  I take a moment to take in his gaze; I begin to walk off. Sometimes I wonder what I ever saw in him, but I know that he does have a sweeter side. He just never shows it.  I don’t know what to do, he has been my friend since we where little. I check my phone as a nervous habbet. I know that I have no messages but for some odd reason it just helps me I really don’t get it. Haseo has always been a jack-a*s but he was always there to protect me and rite now I just want him to say sorry but knowing him he will find a way out of it and I will forgive him like nothing happened when I know something did I guess that’s just the way I am.  “Max” the simple task of him saying my name has my heart in a rush, trying to calm my self and not give in to easily I respond with an edge in my voice. “What do you want” he grabs my hand and my heart skips a beat, sometimes it’s like he knows just what to do to get me to forgive him much to easily. “Look I’m sorry but you of all people should know that I’m not a very ‘nice’ person per-say” I look at him eyes narrowed not waning to give in wanting to stand strong, he wraps his arms around me in a warm and welcoming embrace. I want to stay strong, but it was no use I already forgave him. So not wanting to be a TOTAL pushover I say this, “well at-least try not to be so mean to me” he takes a moment to consider, “fine, we’ll see” as he says it my heart sinks a little, I mean I guess I shouldn’t have really expected much out of him but it was still disappointing. I wanted him to love me to care about me not just to think that I was going to follow his every footstep like some kind of sidekick. I wish he really knew what I was about what has happened to me everything all of it.

“Take out your book and turn to page one-hundred-thirty-four, today we will be working with chemicals so ware your goggles and your lab protection gear!” as we all flipped to the page I observed the teacher, she was fairly short, weak, stressed, over weight, and unhappy. “MAX!” she called out to me, “Get your book out and turn to page” I interrupted her with “one-hundred-thirty-four.” She gives me a spiteful gaze and yells “get out, get out of my class room now!”  I stand in my seat knowing this would happen to me! Wishing that it hadn’t, wondering why she can’t understand. My hair blows in my face from the window as I look to it, to the window that I know if I jumped people would cheer. “Why do you hate me?” I ask more to myself but she answers anyway. “I don’t hate you, I just don’t need you disrupting my class.” My heart sinks to the bottom of my body, wishing and longing for her words to be true but knowing inside that they could never be. “That’s not true and you know it!” my pulse quickens “ you hate me, you know you do! I can’t take it! Why, why please just tell me what I did to you!”

A loud noise echoes through the classroom as I open my eyes, only to realize that I fell asleep as soon as she told us to open our books. I sigh in relief that I didn’t show all my feelings in front of the students. We all go to the back of the classroom, there are 3 bottles of liquid, one is blue, the other green and last of the liquids is pink. There was also a powder marked unknown. The teacher, Ms. Galantine, told us to mix 33ml of the blue, 5ml of the green and 50ml of the pink then to add 1 tablespoon of the powder. This would have gone easy if the teacher hadn’t bumped into my partner, he spilled the pink liquid on me, and then he laughed and preceded to poor the rest of the other 2 liquids on me followed up by dumping the powder over my head. The chemicals stung like crazy, the burning on my skin the blurry vision. I ran over to the shower and pulled the handle. I sat there soaked as people laughed.

After school I met up with Haseo, he snickered wishing that he could have been there. “Its not funny stop laughing!” I demanded to which he replied with “hate to say it, well not really but yes it is Max” “oh shut up! It hurt, you have no idea” he smiles then grabs my hand knowing or at least hoping it hurts. And even though it does I’m not about to let him know about it. “It doesn’t hurt,” I say though he sees right through my act. “Lets face it, I know all your tricks you try and play tough but you shouldn’t. You don’t have to be so tough max. It’ll be okay” he looks in to my eyes and I quickly look away saying or more mumbling really “What are you talking about? I’m not hiding anything, so shut up” he looks at me and I mean really looks at me starting at the top my long black hair down to my skinny jeans and converse. ”Max, I know you don’t like asking for help. But seeing as though you are the one person why needs in the most-“ “shut up” I scold “just shut up, you act like you know everything. News flash you don’t, so stop acting like you do!” he narrows his gaze “Max, you really don’t know where peoples boundaries are, and that is something you should learn.” He pushes me down to the ground and walks off. As I get up I hear a horn go off and as I look to where the sound is coming from it’s to late to move. To late to act all I can do is let the truck hit me.

I fly thought the air the wind hitting my face, I think about that I really have to show for living, and it isn’t much. All the people around me, who think they know me, would play to watch this go down. The people I cared about would love to forget but I’m not about to let them! I turn my body to do some sort of back flip. I skid back a little then get out of the rode. I start to wonder why it doesn’t hurt, why I feel so pumped. I run to my house, a complete mile in what is five minutes. As I walk in to my house my pulse starts to calm down. I would say that it was an adrenalin rush but I really don’t think it was.

I lie in my bed that night and think of the people that would have really cared that I was dead. I couldn’t think of 1. They say that if you are about to commit suicide that you should think of three to five people who would care be sad. And if you could then your life is worth living but they never say what happens if you cant. Does it mean that we should go through with it, or maybe we should live in spite of those people who want or wouldn’t care if they died? I wonder what would happen if I did I wonder if the people in my life would cheer or cry. Smiling of the thought of Haseo hugging me. Wishing and longing for it to happen just one last time. I close my as my world fades black.

I feel my body shacking, my legs cold, and his voice booming over me. “MAX, WAKE UP MAX!!!!” I sit up rubbing my eye; his voice goes quiet. “Max, you idiot” I pear at him eyes narrowed. “What do you want!”  He stands over me “your sick” I look in to his eyes “I feel fine” I protest, “you always feel ‘fine’ max” I cross my arms and with a edge in my voice I say “and you always say that you don’t care about anyone or anything we all know you do so there is no use.” He looks at me for a long time then turns me around. “What are you doing?” I screech as he lifts up my shirt a lets it fall to the ground. “Max” he says so quiet I don’t think I really heard it “you have wings”