Loving Ann Maria

A story about trying to hang on to someone even though you half to learn to let go. A story about two sisters.

  water drips down my cold skin as I run through the woods. My heart fills with anger and pain all at once. Makeup gushes from my tear felt eyes. I hate this feeling, I want to throw up, I want to scream. Suddenly I fall onto the muddy ground and as I try to stand up a hand reaches out to me. I hesitate to grab it. I see a boy no older then 17 years old and he helps me up. I didn't get a chance to thank him before I ran off again. FINALLY, I found my way to her grave, Ann Maria. I fell to my knees and laid next to her grave as the rain fell harder and my vision became a blur, “i miss you, Ann Maria ” I cried as my body went from cold, to numb. I could no longer feel the pain. Everything was going dark. But this is not the beginning nor the end.
Two Months Earlier
“Ann Maria , get out of my room, you little Brat!” I pushed my 5 year old sister out of my room. I never get any peace in this house. (My name's Heather Kay maze I am 17 years old and I live with my dad and little sister, Ann Maria. I have a boyfriend named Mark Pater and he means the world to me, and my sister as well.) I walk into the kitchen to talk to dad, he has me sit at the table and eat some lunch. “ I'm going out tonight dad, that okay?” he looks at me and then looks down at the floor. “ well your mother is coming by to talk to me about some stuff and I wanted you to be here til she leaves.” he replied I rolled my eyes, said whatever and headed to my room.
Fighting
now the thing about Ann Maria is that shes very unique, she's beautiful, and she is very autistic. She hates loud noises and when people fight. I'm laying on my bed and I suddenly hear someone crying in my closet, so I open it only to find Ann Maria sitting there crying. “ Annmarie come here baby.” I said as I picked her up. Dad and mom are fighting again. I feel like Annmarie is a gift in my life. She means a lot to me. She's my little sister but id take a bullet for her any day. I lay on my bed now with her in my arms. “Tomorrow, you and I are going to the movies” I smiled and we fell asleep together. I don't think I have ever loved anyone as much as I love this girl. She looks at Mark like he's her hero, he makes her laugh and that takes talent. I really hope she knows how much I love her.
The Movies
I went to the movies with Mark and Annmarie, it was nice. Then Mark carried her to the car because she had fallen asleep while watching the movie. We headed home, I didn't get to ask dad so I just left him a note saying where we had gone, but when I got home the cop's were there. “daddy, whats going on!?” I yelled at him. He screamed at me and yelled then told me to just go to my room. That he would be up in a bit to explain to me what the big deal really was. So now I’m sitting in my room with my head against the wall. This is totally crazy. Finally the cop's left and I could hear dad walking up the hallway. Yikes!. He came into my room and sat on my bed next to me taking my hand. “now, Heather dear, I want you to know that the only reason I didn't tell you this sooner is because I didn't want you to feel like you had a time limit. . .” dad said and then paused. I could tell he might cry. But as he held my hand he went on. “ but Ann Maria has Cancer, it's already spreading through out her body, no one knows how much longer she has” I repeated what he said in my head, over and over. Then I told my dad to get out of my room and slammed my door.
Helpless
that night I opened my window and crawled out, I walked to her window. . . I stayed on the roof watching her sleep all through the night. At first I couldn't see it, I couldn't see that she was in pain. I couldn't see her silently dying inside. I didn't want to. Now im watching her fight to breathe, fight to live, and I wonder why the hell it couldn't have been me instead. She has so much to offer and her whole life to live out. If she dies, I die. I didn't sleep for three days straight and I started seeing things, beyond this world. My eyes looked black and sunk in, I gave up on eating, I gave up on life. . .til Mark came over and got me off the roof. I sleep out there for days and days. Weeks, a whole month...wasted. Mark grabbed my face, “Heather you cannot give up, Ann Maria is still fighting for her life, you don't want her to give up. You don't want her to die. If she see's her big sister, the one she looks up to, giving up on her then she will do the same”. He explained. He was right about that. The next day I took a shower, ate some food and I slept the next three days.
Annmarie
I held her hand, every day. I held her when I slept, I carried her around the house, I didn't give up again, but she was slowly letting go. There were days when id watch TV with her and she would zone out, id pat her on the face and she would come back. I knew it was coming to an end, but I didn't want to bare it, face it, or know it. Sometimes i don't understand what the point of all this pain is. Cancer is always taking from people. It is mean, A devastating punch to my aching heart. Annmarie is my life, iv watched her grow for five years. Now when I look at her I see pain, hurt and sorrow. I don't understand why this is happening, and I hate it. Sometimes I sit up at night and watch her because I don't know when she will be taken from me. She doesnt cry about the pain anymore so I know our time together is fading away.. Ann Maria is a beautiful girl with glorious blue eyes and chocolate brown hair. She is an angel from heaven. For every time she has angered me I am now full of regret. I feel bad for all those times. She probably thinks I feel sorry for her, though I don't. I feel sorry for myself. For letting myself treat her as anything less then she is. She is the air i breath, the beauty i seek. I can't take her Cancer from her but I will fight to keep her alive. Its my job to keep her from letting go.
Unbroken
I lay on the sofa next to Ann Maria, holding her close to me and keeping her little body warm. She opened her eyes and looked at me. She looks sick, her eyes have dark rings around them and her mouth is darkened because she's so pale. I look away because it's killing me more then it's killing anyone else. Ann Maria touched my face with her hand and softly she spoke “Heather, I love you. .daddy says I half to go away soon, to somewhere beautiful, I wish you could come too, I don't want to be alone” together we cried. I kissed her forehead, then whispered. “ oh Ann, please don't think about that...just rest your head on my lap and know that I'll never let you be alone.” I said calmly and she rested her head on my legs.
Loving Ann Maria
I look out my window and sit in a chair in front of it everyday. Anna(Ann Maria) is in her room, dad wont let me near her anymore because she's at her last moments and he thinks it would be best if I wasn't trying to hold on to her like this. He doesn't know what I need or what she needs, what he doesn't know is that I climb out my window every night and into her room to lay with her all night long. Soon dad figured this out and he gave up. My bond with my sister is deep. Very deep. I would take a bullet for her. I love her and damn it, I wont let her go without a fight.

Life and Death

I find myself holding onto Anna all the time. Feeding her, keeping her warm. Sometimes I fall asleep while cooking her food, food that she will not eat. But I still try. Today I walked into her room, she didn't look good at all dad was in the kitchen siting at the table, he can't even look at her, it's killing him too. I have never seen my father cry so much before today. I picked Ann Maria up and held her in my arms. She tried to hold on to me as well. “Heather, promise me you wont leave me, I'm afraid” she cried and my heart shattered, I couldn't breathe. I knew at that moment, it was time for her to go. I couldn't stop it. “ill never leave you, Anna” I said and kissed her head. Her body weakens and she wasn't holding on much anymore. “do you hear that Heather?” she asked. But I heard nothing. “hear what Anna?” I asked...it was silent for a moment. “the angels are singing a song” she replied I closed my eyes and slightly smiled. But then she was gone. Her body was limp. Ann Maria was gone. I closed my eyes for a moment, then I opened them and started shaking her telling her to wake up, but no response so I kept trying anything that would wake her. I was screaming, yelling, cursing and anything else you could think of. Dad came into her room, he grabbed me and made me let her go. I hit my dad for the first time in my life and we both fell against the wall holding onto each other crying. I cried and cried, all that day.
Two months later.
So this is why, I am lying on her grave. Miserable, hurt, broken. I miss her, my life isn't the same without her. I gave up on Mark, stopped seeing him, I stopped calling him, I gave up on him. He was Annmarie's hero, she loved him so much. I shouldn't have let him go. He's tried to call but, eh I just let the phone ring, I can't bare to talk to him. I want to drown in my sorrow and die alone. Ann Maria shouldn't have died, she had her whole life ahead of her, I should have been the one to go. Maybe if I had more time with her she would have lived a little longer. I keep beating myself up and dad has me taking therapy 4 times a week, because I no longer eat, sleep, or talk anymore, not since Annmarie's death. As I lay here on this cold wet floor I feel my body slowly shutting down. I feel my thoughts becoming unpronounceable and my vision blurry. I take a deep breath and close my eyes only with my baby sister on my mind. I started to fall asleep and it was still raining hell of hard, but I was fading away....”get up, get up Heather! I didn't go through all of that pain and hurt, to see you like this now that I'm gone, get yourself together” I heard Ann Maria 's voice soft in a distance. She was upset. I just ignored it and closed my eyes tighter. “please Heather, things will get better I promise, I love you” she said again. I tried to get up but my body was weak. I was tiered and hadn't eaten in along while.
Hero
I lay there shivering in the cold mist that use to be rain and snow. I lay by her grave and I cried. Then I closed my eyes once again, I felt someone pick me up, I heard people saying my name but I couldn't see them. I felt safe in this person's arms, the same kind of safe that Annmarie felt in my arms. This had to be Mark. He has always been my hero.
Coma
I woke up, in a hospital and when I did, mother, father, and Mark all started to cry. I felt well rested and I couldn't help but ask, “what happened?” then mom and dad left Mark and I alone and he told me that after he picked me up from the grave I went into shock and into a coma for nearly 5months.
Home
when I got home I lay in my bed with Mark. I felt sad still but I felt better, stronger and braver. “it's crazy, the doctors said that people usually let go by five months but something had you hanging on.” Mark said gladly. I looked at Annmarie's picture on my dresser. “Anna, it was Anna.” I smiled and I walked into Annmarie's room one last time, because we are moving in a few days. On her dresser I found a little pink note and in sloppy writing it said, ( love u siss-Anna) I stuck it into my pocket and whispered, “i love you to Anna”.