This is My End

 

                It’s one-thirty in the morning and I can’t take myself into sleep. It might be because of the three cups of soda I drank just a few hours ago. It might be just the feeling full of excitement I still have a few hours ago after a surprise birthday party banged into my house. The sound of my footstep took me into my bedside table turning my study lamp, on seeing just blank, empty papers.

 

The date today is June 17. It is the same date when a particular, unforgettable event in my life cannot be forgotten. There is just something on my mind I want to forget but keeps on haunting me. I placed my head on the top of a table, slouching, hiding my face from the world when my foot hit a paper under the desk. It is just crumpled. Curious to find out what it is, I immediately opened it and read it with its wrinkled texture.

 .....................................................................................................................................

               

  It was on my 10th birthday when I excitedly and hurriedly went to our home expecting my mother to be waiting for me and expecting for her to throw a warm hug from me. I cannot wait to see her as I went inside our small brick house and walked along the living room.

 

                She is not there…

 

Our house was jumbled and not in order. Eagerness turned into fear and confusion. Clothes are scattered everywhere as if they were thrown. Glasses were broken into pieces. They are on the tables, they are on the floor, they are everywhere. I walked tiptoeing both of my feet just to avoid getting hurt by the things that might hurt me. But what catches my attention is the picture of our family. Me, my mother and my father showing up a smile, as if we are in a pleasant relationship. It is not just a broken picture frame but a picture purposely taken away from its case and torn apart.

 

It took me back to the reality that I am finding my mother. I called for anyone in the house but no one is answering. I opened the master’s bedroom and I finally found her.

 

                

She’s not warm, but so cold. How can she wrap her arms around me so tight if the rope wrapping around her neck is tighter? She’s already dead.

I am afraid, almost lost in my senses. Water fell through my face, unconsciously knowing that my mouth is wide open. I felt totally numb, knowing that the person I am waiting cannot be brought back to life.

           

 I ran so fast to call and find my father but I cannot see him. Everything in the town seems blurry except for the face of my mother in a horrible situation and wondering where my father has gone. I don’t care about anyone whom I accidentally hit in my path.

 

What’s important by that time is I have to find my father.

 

 I continued to run as fast as I can until a finger grabbed my clothes forcing my face by his hand to look at him. Finally, came back to my senses. I just realized that waters are falling all over my body. Sweat and tears, it is all over me. I heard him saying “I found your father”.

Finally, questions might already be answered. What happened? Why does my mother do that thing? Why is our house a mess? Did mother and father fight each other? I am waiting for the answer.

                

I followed hurriedly to where he is taking me and just saw a flock of people in an abandoned grassland and a group of policemen putting a “police line, do not cross” barricade tape equipment on the ground. The place seems to be a crime scene I never saw in my whole life. Now I realize the purpose that I am here. I hate to know who the victim is but I still knew. The man as said by the policeman has been overdosed on cocaine.

 

He's my father and his vice of drugs is the reason why they are always fighting with my mother. Now, the fight is over and all of us are losers. I don’t know why I should go through with this pain. I don't know why I am involved in their dilemma. It’s maybe because I am their son.

 

 I cannot cry and I suddenly just feel a sudden and accurate pain in my head. Everything is moving and I cannot control my balance.

 

 

 .........................................................................................................................................

               

  I opened my eyes and saw a different surrounding. I just realized I am already on someone’s bed.

 

By that day on, I was adopted by my aunt and because of the incidents, I lost my interest in school that caused me to drop out. I cannot do well in my studies anyway. I withdrew myself from people close to me. Instead, I situate myself with people whom I know I can destroy my life with. I’ve been involved in stealing and gambling and fighting all over the streets. I became a drug addict like my father was. I spent most of my time on cheap and amateur prostitutes.

 

                Who am I anyway?

 

I am a son of a woman who intentionally killed herself. I am a son of a man who has been overdosed by cocaine, and me? I am no one to be proud of. There’s nothing in my life to be proud of. I am so ashamed of who I am and what I am made of. I am a man with no destination.

 

One day, a woman found me bleeding deep inside. She walked toward me with her black high heels. She wears her short halter dress, so short that it exposed most of her leg's white and immaculate skin. Her lips are red, skin is clear, and hair is long, black and wavy. So wavy that it resembles as the water by the sea. She kissed me and made love with me. Just a one night with her makes me crave for her more. It feels I’ve been encaptured her by sweet lips and her warm touch. I yearn for this one night to be forever.

 

                I stole money from my aunt to buy her from her manager at the cathouse just to take her there away and bring with me.

 

She became the center of my life and she became my purpose for living. I tried to change for her and I became a good man. I loved, her I fed her and I gave her all my love and all that I am. We agreed at each other that we need to change for the better. I applied as a dishwasher in a small restaurant but our lives didn't come so easy.

 

One day we fought at each other. She is complaining why I gave her this kind of poor life. I can't give her a ring or even just a bouquet of flowers. I can't give her new dress unlike before when she was on her filthy job where any men can give her what she wants. I have a job but what I earn is only enough for us to eat.

 

She argues with me while throwing all stuff that she can see complaining about how tired she is with that kind of life that I am giving her.

 

I was stunned as she grabbed a gun on the top of my drawer hidden inside a small black shoulder bag I’ve been keeping for a long time. I stutter not knowing what to say. She threw the gun to my damn face packed her things and walked away. I never dared to chase her because I know she’s already hurting because of me. I am never worthy of her love.

 

In my whole life, it is nothing but pain that I felt. I feel love twice in my life. The love that my parents gave me and the love Mary has given me. Now, they are all gone. They left me broken. Maybe it is really my fault. I didn’t notice that happened to my parents and maybe it is also my mistake that I wasted my life. The reason for my living already left me. I took the gone she threw to me and pointed it to my skull.

 

 

 

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

I finally finished going through the words from the crumpled paper of half finished story which tells about a part of my life and the stone that keeps on pushing my body to the ground is finally lightened.

 

            

This has been my life. I never thought that I would be happy with the choice that I made. If a have chosen to be dead, I never experience this happiness that I am feeling. I am already in my good life.

 

A flashback starts to play again inside my mind seeing a man as he found me inside my house as I mourn. He is resentful with me yelling how wasted I am as I point the gun to my head.

 

“After all that you have been through you will just end up your life like this?” he’s talking to me in a high pitched sound as he is pointing his finger to me. “I know you know you are already a loser but will you still continue as a loser? Will you just let others define you because of that fault of your parents or because of your past mistakes? Will you just kill your life because you think everyone whom you dearly love will love you back or will always be there for you?  Man! Love yourself first. You will not be saved by the people around you. Only you can save yourself.”

 

I am so confused by that moment. He went inside my house seeing me attempting to suicide but he just scolded me but did not took the gun away from my hand. The most questionable is, I don’t even know him at all. In the end, I realized that he is the same guy who clutched to clothes for me to see my father. Maybe he is a blessing for me to present to me the reality.

 

I changed my life but this time, it is for my own self. I looked for a job. I worked hard. I earned money I took a course and ended up becoming a writer. I am alive now living myself for a better, working articles and stories to inspire. I realize that no one in this world was made perfectly with a perfect people surrounding him and you don’t have to try. Instead, just choose to be happy in appreciating it in the goodness of this life. I cannot be changed by anyone but with my own self because if time comes that you feel that there is no one to be there for you to live, there would still be a reason because you live and that is because of yourself.

 

I never had any news about the guy. Though, what he told to me will always be remembered.

Author's Note

Hello.. Thank you for reading.. Comments about this short story will be highly appreciated. Suggestions are also welcome... :)

PS. Athina

Reviews

[Lyrically Inclined]

Very powerful write! Happy you were able to turn it around.

[Athina]

Thank you for reading and for the feedback

[fadingtale]

Very well-written piece! Love the ending - very powerful lines: "I never had any news about the guy. Though, what he told to me will always be remembered."

Thank you for entering the Inspiration contest!

[Athina]

Thank you for your feedback. :)

[MollyBMcGuire]

Very nicely written. I can feel your pain in your words but so pleased at the outcome!

[Athina]

Thank you for the feedback! :)