The First, Two Words

Two words

Quiet nature

Red legs

Meticulous thought

No doubt

My fresh

Smooth brother

You’re not

 

These eyes, see all

These ears, hear much

My threads, get wrinkled

My shoes, get scuffed

 

Two words

Ride on

Quest up

Rise down

Orthodox

Never that

Dues paid

World renown

 

These eyes, see all

These ears, hear much

My threads, get wrinkled

My shoes, get scuffed

Reviews

[Alrick]

I disagree with maidahl with her dislike of "these", i think it works well though she is right that to some people it is odd and strange and weird, but being your style i think that you should definitely stick with it and i think these works great!

A great poem, i love the meanings behind it, and it's one of those poems that can be reread without getting bored of it!

[Honey54]

"These eyes, see all

These ears, hear much

My threads, get wrinkled

My shoes, get scuffed"

i like the way you put that...so much is behind those lines..

[Jordan A. Wilson]

This where I got the concept for this piece. Try saying it to the beat of this song and see how it flows.
http://youtu.be/tkFOBx6j0l8

[w]

Repetition can work, but I feel it doesn't here. Your "two words" are less than vague leaving the reader confused at best.

[Rhea752]

great meter. i like the idea of using only 2 words at a time. i could see it as a song.

[Rodney Russ]

Nice use of refrain. May work better as a song.

[Laura Maidah]

"These eyes, see all
These ears, hear much" has my only problem. I don't like these. I can see the speaker pointing at his own eyes and ears. It's awkward to make the reader question POV like that. We can't see what you see. You repeat that verse and it really is distinctly weird. Everything else is superb. Very almost charismatic poem.

[kayla]

I love this. In my mind I was reading it like a rap song haha, and it worked pretty well that way juss saying. Anyways, very good(:

[victoria]

great flow

[Harley (arbiter)]

Woah. This was Awesome. I love you're style and it kinda (to me) reads like a song. That may just be my weird brain though. But Great write.