Chapter one of a story that i need to think of a name for

"What are you?" Asked a small girl with long spiderweb like strands of silky blond hair.
"Don't you mean who?"answered the boy with dark brown hair and clear gold-brown eyes like sun-light.
"No, why would i mean that I have no interest in who you are I'm going to leave soon."
 she said bluntly or rather rudely even though if someone spoke to her like that she would take no offense.
" It's common curtsey to know someones name before asking a question" he said not even looking up from his book
"If i ask your name and you tell me it will you answer my question?"she prodded he guessed that she had a very curious nature and that people tended to use trick questions with her because of her specificness.
 "Maybe" he said turning the page of his old book that he could practically recite from memory. the young girl set out a huge sigh
 "Ok, who are you?" she said slightly changing her first question.
"I'm Bill" he said
 "You're lying." she said glaring at him angrily.
"I hate it when people lie to me and think i can't tell."
 Surprised he glanced at her keeping his face serene he was a good liar he'd had centuries to practice after all.
"How do you know that?" he questioned
"Can't everyone tell?"she said slightly confused
"No"
She was beginning to arouse his curiosity there was little that did so now.
"Why?" she asked a favorite question for younger children.
"Because they can't."he replied
"Why not?"
"Because you're different"
"Why am i different"
"Because you are"
Seeing this was hopeless she went back to her original question
"What are you ?"
"You still don't know my name" he said trying not to laugh as she scowled at him. He put the book down to get a better look at her
"Why won't you answer my question?" she said crossing her arms over her chest and pouting.
"Because it's a SE-CRET" he said pronouncing each vowel in the last word carefully.
"That's not fair!"
"I know"
Suddenly a voice from inside the house called
"Sarah it's time for music lessons'
"I don't want to go"she wined at the barely visible figure by the massive structure she called home.
" If you don't go I'll take away riding lessons"
"Fine" she said running back toward she house and waved to him. At that moment he realized she'd left something behind. A little stuffed bear with polished buttons and soft clean fur, it was well taken care of. She must love it to take such good care of it being a child he thought. Suddenly another thought hit him I don't want to kill her. After all that was why he had been sent here. What to do, what to do.

Author's Note

Sorry about grammar

Reviews

[The Animal Guy]

Its a great story thus far, we have grammar issues when we write its just that some hide it well than others. My story for instance, has grammar issues that I didn't even know it had. Of course when you read something that is your own you tend to overlook the grammar or the mechanical errors because your mind seems to believe that its correct.

The only way you'll know if its correct or not is by having someone review it and tell you.

I hope you figure out a name for this story because it has potential, I will definitely tell you that.

Keep up the good work.

-Cortez

[xx]

As the other reviewers said, there is the grammar issue that makes this piece difficult to follow, but you seem to be aware of that already, so I won't dwell on it too much: work on punctuation, and play around with sentence structure - get creative (just not crazy)! It's always fun to experiment with sentences, to twist them around this way and that in order to find out what will make your reader want to keep reading.

The other big issue is dialogue - you were partly correct in executing dialogue. You knew that you have to make a new paragraph for new dialogue, a new paragraph when a new person is speaking, but you went a bit too far and made a new paragraph right /after/ the dialogue, for the narrative that is supposed to be connected to the dialogue. For instance, this is what you did:

"What are you?"
Asked a small girl.

But remember, the dialogue portion itself isn't the entire sentence when you add a narrative portion to it, which in this case is the "asked a small girl" part. This means that "asked" doesn't need to be capitalized. Here's a remodeling of that sentence:

"What are you?" asked a small girl.

As you can see, I put the "asked" clause with the dialogue, because together, they make up a sentence, one part dialogue and one part narrative. "Asked" doesn't need to be capitalized, because technically, it is in the middle of that sentence.

Here's another example:

"Because they can't." he replied.

Declarative dialogue, when /not/ standing independently, when paired with a narrative portion, ends in a comma instead of a period. Here's how I would reshape this sentence:

"Because they can't," he replied.

Now, if the dialogue was independent, meaning that it stood alone with no "he/she said/remarked/sneered/etc.," you could then end the dialogue with a period, but again, only if there is no directly connected narrative:

"Because they can't." His eyes darted away from her to inspect the ground.

As you can see, those are two separate sentences; the dialogue is one sentence and stands alone, and the sentence that comes afterward is completely separate. This is why we can end that dialogue with a period, but not the dialogue in the previous example.

I heartily encourage you to proofread work before submitting; I find that my first attempts are always too rough and need some spell checking as well as grammar renovation.

This is an interesting start to the story, and I'm sure that you can turn it into a work of art - just remember, editing is key - and don't give up! :)

-Mina

[jennifer little]

good job

[Sheena Marie Lee]

Like My Husband (The Animal Guy) Said Its a Good Story i cant talk bout the grammer problems cuz i have the same problem

[SuicidePact.]

haha love the title ;)