Ch. 1- The Room

Days Missing: 1      12:38:56 AM

 

Alexandria

I wake up; my head feeling like it's been split in two.

My hand paws my head. It feels wet. I pull it away, and my hand is covered in blood. My body hurts, and I can barely move. I struggle to sit up. I hold my arms up to my face. There are bruises shaped like fingers wrapped around my fore arms. More bruises trail my wrists, as if they were bound. They are turning purple.   

I sit up, and try to take in my surroundings. I'm on a small bed, the sheets covered in grime. The room I’m in is low-lit.

I look around. The walls are made of brick, and the air is damp with must. There are no doors. There are no windows. My breath quickens as I begin to panic.

How did I get here?

I can barely remember what happened last night. Just glimpses. I remember Eneko telling me to run, but I wasn’t quick enough. They engulfed me from every direction, towering over me.  I couldn’t fight them off. They surrounded us like animals stalking their prey. Zane and Eneko tried to fight them off.  

Zane, I think.

Where's Zane?

My palms are becoming clammy and I begin to shake. Something tells me he’s not here.  

There's a creak and a part of the wall suddenly opens. My head snaps up, and I become tense, my body becoming alert.

A man stands there in the doorway. He is tall, with broad shoulders and short black hair.  He towers over me with a disdainful sneer. His eyes are jet black, like an angry beast, filled with lust and anger.

So much anger.

Something tells me he’s the one who told those men to take me.

His lips curl up into a cruel smile, his long fingers flexing. I stare up at him, eyes wide with fear.

"Ah," he says, his voice deep, leaking with evil.

"You're awake."

Reviews

[dw817]

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You are not mentioning what kind of review you want so I'll start with spelling and grammar.

"My hand paws my head." If you are an animal it could be, "My paw touches my head." or if you are a bipedal human it could be, "My hand touches my head." but likely not the way it is you have here.

"There are bruises shaped like fingers wrapped around my [fore arms/forearms]." (conjoin)

As for the story itself, it certainly is a grim and depressing way to start. I've always believed the tension and oppression in a story should be somewhere in the middle, not near the end or the beginning.

While some readers may be intrigued and entranced by the violence and brutality to follow so soon into a plot, others may not be so, thinking this should be something worked into.

Please consider.

[Alleyway Rover]

Responding to a read request I got from you.

First thing I notice is the present tense. I’ve had this discussion with other authors, but it’s my opinion that present tense is really hard to pull off for anything longer then a short story. The problem I have with it is the urgency that it inherently conveys. It’s a constant, “Go! Go! Go! Get out of the couch you lazy idiot! No, you can’t bring the Cheetos! Move!” It ups the excitement at first but after a while it’s just distracting. It works in short bursts, but as a medium for telling a story, it just doesn’t work for me.

Tense should be one of those things operating in the background. It should help tell the story. The story is the most important part. If it doesn’t help the story then it needs to be taken outside and made to stand in a corner. The minute it draws attention to itself, it’s not helping.

But like I said, that’s just my opinion. Now somebody get me a cane so I can tell those damn kids to get off my lawn.

Anyway, on to the story:

Overall pretty good. I think it covers everything a first chapter should have. It introduces the characters, provides the conflict and there’s enough mystery and excitement to pull the reader to the next chapter.

I notice a lot of telling not showing. For example:
“Something tells me he’s not here.  ”
“Something tells me he’s the one who told those men to take me.”

What tells him these things? What clues does he see around him that make him come to these conclusions? What smells, tastes, sights, sounds, sensations are around him that lead him to this?

Also: “"Ah," he says, his voice deep, leaking with evil.”
Obviously there’s something besides this man that make the MC think ‘evil’. So what is it?

One last thing, you describe the room as:
“I look around. The walls are made of brick, and the air is damp with must. There are no doors….”

And yet….
“A man stands there in the doorway.”

I hope this gives you some ideas moving forward.

Cheers!

[JordanIsaacSmith]

So, I read the prologue and though "Oh... what's going on here?" go to this chapter and the first thing I see is "Days Missing: 1"; fantastic opening to a story, I've not seen any stories written that way before. And then the suspense only builds up from there. Very good start, well done.

[RainDancer1997]

Very suspenseful:) And you left us with a great cliffhanger:) Well done:)!