Christmas Lights

A poem about loss and coming to terms with it.

The Christmas wasn’t over yet. I didn’t really feel like it had begun at all though really. 

The temperature dropped to indicate that something was coming, goose-bumps erupting on skin, runny noses and ice cold ears and toes. 

The breath becoming a visible reminder to wrap up against the violent winter chill. 

Town was covered in twinkling Christmas lights like stars straight after kids stopped trick-or-treating for Halloween and Christmas gifts were a permanent glittery fixture in every shop window. 

But even then, the festive feeling did not touch me. 

It’s probably because of you. It is because of you. 

Because I miss you so much. 

My everything that I thought I had and would always have

Taken away far too soon leaving my winter heart broken. 

The Christmas tree in our bay towered over me, casting a shadow that reminded me of you when I was by your side. 

The lights gleamed, and the baubles sparkled and shone but the room was dark with no Christmas spirit except that hope that I could feel your spirit close to me. 

I smile, listen to the music, drink the drinks more and more than before and it makes me miss you more and more as I sing silent night. 

I wish he was here that’s all I can say but the words sound empty and weak. 

Less than an insignificant breath or whisper to how utterly consumed I am by the absence of you. 

How much I wish I could point at you, shout your name DAD and have you answer, or not answer 

Depending on whether you sensed the tone of my call as irrelevant or that I wanted something. 

But I always wanted something and I realise now that it was you. 

It is you. 

Dad. 

The writing is hard. 

I blame it on the fact that I don’t have a desk or that I don’t know what to say but I do know what to say, it’s in my heart that is aching to scream out and it’s clouding every imagination I own

Fogging my brain with memories of you instead of fake creative dream worlds I wish to push out onto paper. 

I write this to get it off my chest to get it off my heart and out before I shout and scream before I stop. 

I get this off my chest to help me begin the new year clearly where memories of you can dance in my mind and not fill me with pain and longing. 

I write this because I love you from a part of my heart I didn’t know I had before I lost you. 

Your hat, your car, your smile, your laugh. 

It will never be Christmas without you.

Author's Note

To be honest, I've not written a poem since school. This sort of just tumbled out of me and I think it must have needed to come out. I don't remember whether the punctuation and grammar is correct or anything. Any feedback is welcome.