Dark

Katelyn a 16 year old girl, must fight herself from within to keep fear from tearing her limb by limb.

I hurt her I really did. I broke her. I don't blame her for what she thinks she did. See here child, jealousy is a mischevious, manipulative, and dangerous thing! Ha ha little one shame is another but jealousy will cause so much pain, it will make you lash out. Your loved ones will try to help, but you will push them away the feeling of allies and help, will be pushed out by evil, coldness and damp thoughts! Your heart will ache, and I'll put you to rest I'll make you appear emotionally dead I am your new conscious and before you wake up I'll whisper so bitter sweet' "Everyone is gone." Go now wonder about, let your weeps and pitiful self talks be so loud, but remember it's not okay to be proud. Only jealousy is allowed! Hush now, hush now, please lie down, we'll play this game carefully and quietly! But trust me I will not loose, the funny thing is that the price is you. If you shall win and play my little game then you are free to go with no pain, But if you shall loose you are mine and i'll lock you up forever, but don't worry your not going anywhere soon. Some eyes will see death and won't get a single feeling of sadness but instead a feeling of satisfaction. Some hands will hold life but some will use that power for destruction. Some minds are blunt, but others are plagued with the selfish thoughts of self-image, shame, jealousy and power, These things cause doors to open little by little, deeper and deeper into your mind. That's, that's where you'll find me. We'll soon come into contact, I will take your heart and tear it apart little by little. The one thing I like about you is that you know this is gonna be complicated. Which makes it all more the fun! To tear your feelings apart one by one. Let's get started my little game has begun. What if you could see beyond your mind and unlock doors buried deep inside the darkest places in your head? this my friend is a dangerous game not well played by those who try. Questions asked to strong for a person to figure out, thoughts to deep to get back out. So now your locked in, You drew yourself into this little box I made for your heart. Oh little one have you ever heard the phrase "curiosity killed the cat." Ha well my new kitten you'll be mine soon, snatched away like life is taken away from death. What's my name you'll soon find out when you play along. My sweet Katelyn. For now your questions aren't being asked, but your answers are in my grasp. So come. I'm Katelyn. I'm seventeen and a junior at Trevor Davidson High, I'm not very popular, i'm not the girl every guy wants to get with and talk to. I'm the girl who surrounds herself with good people with good intentions. I don't party, I rarely hang out with people and I don't like talking. Instead I go home to a good book and some tea. I sometimes do puzzles like cross words, or riddles. But what I do the most is deep thinking self talks. My mom calls them "trances" She says my eyes go from blue to grey and my state of being, isn't there just my body. She also thinks that if she were to knock on my shoulder it would sound like she was knocking on a hollow Oak Tree. Sometime when I lie down at night I'll go into one of these so called trances with the thought of only one question, it doesn't seem long but when I awake hours have gone by. I wonder what i'll ask myself tonight? Questions seem to take up all my time in the day and all my time at night, and so far none of my questions have been answered. Instead of using the inter-wed like all kids I simply use my hea. Things link together "Connect the dots" and you'll get an answer. Connect facts to get the Knowledge and you'll find peace, or you'll find a lasting comfort of nothing. Don't tell me you're a dreamer please. You can't see with your heart that's what i've come to understand. you see with your mind. listen and it will tell you things, when you see your teacher what do you think? you think oh an instructor, well think of your mind like that. But ten times stronger with the will power of taking over. When I think i'm lonely i'm reminded of it's loyalty! It's true your mind is willpower, your min is everything. don't be scared it will clean up it's messes and no one will be able to trace you. its just you and it. Katelyn I hear my mom whisper Katelyn I hear her a little louder My eyes were scanning across the room but something was holding me still and not letting me out of the water as though as I was drowning in my own body. My heart begun to race my breathing became heavier, my thoughts were squirming, at this point I could feel my body start to tremble and shake, I could see color And then just black.  I woke up in this huge king sized bed with beautiful white lace covering all around me, The covers and bed sheets were so warm it could but my noisy old hag of a grandmother to sleep. It was so cold though I could actually see my breath. I wanted to open the certain that was keeping me inside the devine paradise, and see where I was. But something pulled me back as I reached for the slit to push it aside. I found a chain a silver shark joined chain around my wrist, Then someone or something started laughing ever so silently, right outside. That's when it began to speak.  Be careful little one my game is painful and will make you dread so watch the questions you ask yourself and be careful of what knobs on doors you crack open in your pretty little head. And just then I awoke from the depths feeling relief of being released. All hot, panting, sweaty, and the feeling of chills arising. My mom kept trying to comfort me in saying your safe it's okay! But in my head I wasn't sure.

Reviews

[matrixmark]

I kid you not, this was really good. The first paragraph had me hooked and then pulled me in. Your play on words and sentence structure works really well. Your grammar skills - you have a good understanding of how to correctly punctuation marks..etc. The only thing which I found mssing from the first paragraph was a tone of voice which was being used to describe the sentences.
The second paragraph followed on nicely too.
The sound of the chalkboard - Does anybody like it...lol
Overall, this piece was short and I really did want it to continue because of the intriguing way the first paragraph drew me in.
Please do continue with the story, there is a lot more to come I feel and I for one would gladly read the rest.

Mark.

[Skye Gentry]

Thanks so much!!

[matrixmark]

Welcome.

Mark.

[matrixmark]

But trust me I will not loose, - change the word 'loose' to lose. - this part was in the secnds paragraph near the end in case you were wondering.
I can see that you have added SO MUCH more detail compared to the last time I read it and also reworked some of the other sentences. The dialogue is excellent and the way in which you manipulated the words was flawless. Boy o boy has it paid off.

'noisy hag of a grandmother' - I laughed when I read this.

The end sentence was used perfectly and sets it up nicely for the next chapter.

Excellent work.

Mark.