I don’t think that passenger seat has ever looked so good to me, he tells me about his night, I count the colors in his eyes. He goes on about the fires and lives lost as we amiably drive. I was honored to be with this legendary fireman, revered for his spectacular saves as well as honor and compassion as a captain. We were driving back from a long call and his brown speckled eyes were heavy with the days tragedies, his eyelids concealing every emotion with each blink that he was farther away from what we had just experienced. Still new on the job, my heart felt like it was going to burst inside me, my stomach churning in the aftermath of adrenaline and anxiety. The owners had come through alright, but I had almost landed myself in the hospital, alongside my comrades, being driven in the ambulances we worked with everyday. I tried hard to concentrate on his words of advice on the subjects of life, but I couldn’t. I stared straight ahead with every intention of listening to him, but the passing streets and the familiarity of my home town drew me back to the scene….
“We got fire!” I heard the firefighters announce over the radio, the crackling heard behind them. The radio shut off and everything was silent for a few minutes. I pulled my hood over my head and tucked the loose ends of my hair back behind the ridged edges. We all waited for word of their success, but the eerie silence grew. Even the officers and chief was getting restless. We radioed them from the outside, but there was no answer. My mind went from thinking about homework to anxious and alert as I began to pick up on the sound. Faces grew grave and like a slow motion movie the sounds grew louder. “weeooeeeeoooweeeeoeoo” it was faint at first, like a warning. Already crews were assembling, ready to rush in after the signal that even the newest members knew meant someone was down. “Probie, get the…” Captain Bart’s sentence was interrupted by a large ball of fire that erupted from the windows and blew glass everywhere. Our brothers landed in the freshly fallen snow, their air pack PASS alarms voicing their unconscious cries. My captain, who always seemed to be looking after me, ran to find where I lay staring at the burned face of on of our department members. The explosion had thrown me flat on my back and the firefighters inside had been tossed from the building. One of the older and seasoned men had landed right next to me, his pack blaring as his unconscious form lay still, his burned face turned towards me. Stunned, I didn’t even realize the pain in my head from hitting the ice. Immediately my captain blocked my view of our brother and called for the medics to hurry faster as they stumbled with their bags in the snow. “Don’t bother with treatment, get the stretcher and get him to the hospital now!” he ordered our crew who were helping pull the stretcher from the ambulance. I was disoriented, but recognized I had more work to do then lie in the snow like the newbie I was. The heavy airpack weighed me down as I struggled to get up, much like a turtle on its back in the sand. With a firm hand my captain pushed me down. “Woah there probie, lay down.” he said gently, taking time only for a second from his command. “I said move, you want one of our own to die in the snow? Get that stretcher over here and call two more ambulances, I want it done yesterday!” I was desperate to get up, I knew how bad it looked. Everyone else was in a flurry of activity trying to rescue our firefighter brothers and I was lying like a little girl in the snow. But my head hurt and I still wasn’t sure what had happened, or even what I would do if I got up other then stumble around. I didn’t even know how to work the stretchers or backboard anyone yet. I was as new as could be to the fire service I had volunteered so readily for. A few minutes passed and the captain was still yelling orders as the ambulances pulled away with their sirens screaming in a plea for the lives that had given themselves to the fire and flame to save this couples home. Activities slowed as firefighters cleaned up and milled around listlessly in their groups distressing over their brothers. The captain’s attention was turned to me, his voice was always a little softer around me then it was with the guys, but he was all business. His guard couldn’t be let down for a moment or he would break. I knew it was his best friend in the service they had taken away and I smartly kept my mouth shut. “Are you hurt anywhere?” I knew to answer right away and not be slow about it. “Just my head, cap.” His calloused palms touched my cheek as he moved back my hood. I knew those same hands had fought fires, held dying people, and loved his own family. He fought fires and ran medical calls on his spare time from work, his kids events, and time with his family. Volunteer fireman were on call 24/7 and he was at most of the calls. He also seemed to make it his personal business to look after the newbies or affectionately called “probies” - probationary fireman. He carefully examined my head. “Well your not bleeding,” he commented as he loosened the straps on my air pack. “Can you move everything?” “Yeah, I’m good, cap.” “Can you stand up?” I pulled my arms out of the air pack straps and undid the buckle around my waist. “Yeah I’m fine,” I replied, sitting up and looking around for my helmet. “Georgie’s got it,” the captain assured me as he helped me up. He gave a grim smile, “Come on, kiddo. We’re lining up to see the medics. If they confirm your alright we’ll clean up and head home, alright?” I nodded, following behind him numbly. The image and the smell of burned flesh would always forever haunt my mind, I knew it. Me and captain were last in line and waited in the cold for almost an hour. “Here kid,” he piled his own turnout coat over mine. “I got a sweater on, I’m not cold.” “I’m fine,” I said, clearing my throat, but he just turned his back to me and I knew there was no giving it back to him and secretly I was grateful for it, but I had to prove myself. This was part of the hobby I had chosen. Cold and death came with the territory, although seeing your own dead or close to death was something no company would ever get over. We all huddled together while we waited and tough as we all had to be, you could see tears coming from those who were close to the men who were inside. I clenched my teeth together to keep from shivering as I clutched my helmet George had given back to me and we waited to go home. My turn came last and captain sat right beside me in the ambulance as they took my pulse and blood pressure. “Are you hurt?” the medic, a young girl much like myself, asked. I knew she too was volunteering and probably was in the same college grounds as me two hours ago. “No, I’m fine.” I answered, blankly. “Alrighty then, your set. Go home, get some sleep.” “Let’s go boys!” the captain called, leading me to the truck where he let me sit in the officers seat. Our small crew was gone, only the engine had their whole crew. Both the brush truck and the ladder were missing their comrades and we all felt it.
“Earth to Probie,” Captain said, tapping my shoulder. “They’ll be alright. Their tough guys, they’ll make it,” he assured both me and himself as we drove through the dark snowy night. I studied his face as he drove, the unyielding shield that kept him from breaking down was set in place, although that kind smile never left his face for a moment. “You did great, Probie. Don’t expect any more of yourself then what you gave. This is what we do and you did the best you can. That’s all we can ask for from you guys.” I found myself talking before I could stop. “But his face…I cant get the picture out of my mind, Bart…I mean captain.” “Bart will do,” he corrected. “Your part of us now. This is what separates you from all the other joes that walk into the firehouse. You have experience that will be with you for the rest of your life. It will seem odd to go to school tomorrow knowing that the most interesting thing any of your classmates did tonight was homework and it will seem like nothing has happened, even though you are still crying inside. Don’t be afraid to come talk to me about tonight. I’m always here for you, for all of you. Encourage the other guys to do the same. Talk it out, work it out. It’s gonna be alright and tomorrow or the next day, you’ll gear up and do this again. Its part of what we do, but don’t ever be afraid to show emotion. It is not a bad thing to be afraid, but it is true courage that overcomes that fear in order to help others. God is with our brothers, they will pull through.” I hung on his every word. My school clothes, now stuck to me with nervous sweat, reminded me of the boringness I would face the next day as the ordinary would once again take over, even though I almost stared death in the face. As much as I wanted to be a rough and tough don’t-care kind of girl, I knew I was just as scared and just as sad as the tough firemen who cried in worry for their brothers. I warmed my hands in the heater of the truck and felt love for this kind and respectable man. I was proud to call him my captain and for the first time I knew why the firehouse was called a family. Experience had taught me well.
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