Moonlit Lament

A cycle of fragile harmony... Please read the description. :)

A raven cawed overhead the young woman as she flew across the tree-shadowed cobblestones, her porcelain skin flushed excitedly, ebony locks flying out behind her like silken wings as her flowing white dress billowed around her thin legs. Her mother’s beams caught the tulle, making it softly shimmer, as if she were wishing the young woman “good luck”.       

 

             “It’s going to work this time, I feel it!”

 

            But even her determination couldn’t withhold her fear as she skidded to a stop in front of the towering gates separating the two celestial kingdoms. Her palace was cloaked in the darkness she reveled in, the soft deep blues and purples of her world adorned with thousands of glittering stars, like the jewels of the crescent insignia resting atop her head. She was Lunetta, the patroness of the night, standing before the gates of the sun god, her radiant counterpart.     

 

            She hesitantly opened her twisted wrought iron gate and stepped outside of it, feeling the warmth of the golden gates of heaven bathe her, washing her out, even at this distance from the sun’s full glow.    

 

            Cradling a soft, pale blossom close to her chest, Lunetta crept up to the dim pool of light that divided their two worlds, gently setting the flower into it while stroking its petals comfortingly.

 

            “Please… Prove to me that I can live in the light, too…” She murmured, watching the bud as it slowly bloomed even more…before it suddenly snapped closed to save itself from the light, just as all of her other creations had, too.

 

            Lunetta’s heart clenched in despair, and she quickly reached to revive her flower when it suddenly shriveled a little. A greater glow was present. 

 

            “Lunetta…?” 

 

            She froze, before slowly lifting her head to meet a pair of glittering eyes, seeming faceted like diamonds as they reflected all the colors of the rainbow in his mesmerizing glow. 

 

            “Andreis…” she greeted him emotionlessly as she thought of her own dull, blue-grey orbs, flecked with silver and black like the craters of the moon. She could never compare to the sun standing before her in all his glory, his wispy golden curls cascading across his bronzed forehead, his lean form draped in glowing, pure-white cloth, held in place by brooches of the finest shimmering jewels; clothed in clouds and adorned by the earth itself singing praises to him.

 

            No. Lunetta could never compare.

 

            “You came here,” the sun god murmured, withholding his surprise.

 

            “Am I not welcome?” she retorted, trying to sound belligerent, but only coming across timid. 

 

            “No, no, my home is yours!”

 

            “Same to you…if you should ever choose to visit…” She replied coolly, but the image of the glowing Andreis in her garden of shadows just couldn’t be summoned. Impossible…   

 

            But, then again, what was she doing where she didn’t belong?

 

            “What is this…?” Andreis murmured, stooping to scoop up the milky-white flower.

 

            “Don’t!” Lunetta cried out, snatching the blossom away to save it from its death. “It is a Moon Flower… Y-you cannot touch it…” She stuttered, embarrassed at her outburst.  

 

            “Ah…” Andreis cast his eyes downward, disheartened.   

 

            "I'm trying to make it strong enough to withstand sunlight... But...but if it just had a little more time at night... If...if I had more time..."  

 

            A lump in her throat, she forced herself to meet Andreis’s opal gaze, sadness and disappointment in his eyes. 

 

            "Lunetta... You know that if the moon shines any longer than it should, the peoples' harvests will disrupt, the earth will bend in hazardous ways. I'm sorry..."

 

            "I… I don't even know where that came from... It was an idiotic request..." She felt she had no right to speak such a desire to this being far more powerful than she. Lunetta turned to leave, but a warm hand wrapped firmly around her cold wrist.  

 

            "L-let go! You'll burn me!" She shrieked in a panic, trying to twist away. 

 

            "Calm down and accept what you are and you won't burn! You're just as important as I am, Lunetta! We're equals, don't you see?”

 

            "Then treat me like one..." She replied simply, the gravity in her steel-grey eyes and hard voice shocking Andreis into releasing her. 

 

            Her skin was seared where he touched.

 

            “Please… I am of you and you are of me! No matter what you think, we are forever intertwined! We need each other… I need you…”

 

            “No! I rise when you beckon, oblivious to my feelings or me! I am your marionette, an echo that gets ever fainter! The days pass, crime rises, everyone fears the night! No one wants to be alone in darkness! I have to bear the souls of the dead and bring them up to place them amongst the starts and they resent me for it! They want to be a ray of light, a beacon to their loved ones! Not a shard of oblivion!” She screeched a jumbled mess of reasons upon reasons she had kept deep inside, brewing in a pot of resentment and stirred in the broth of jealousy that cracked her noble demeanor.    

 

            “I-I apologize…” A stunned Andreis stuttered as Lunetta caught her breath. “I had no idea you felt this way… Please, forgive me…” He began to bow, but stopped, realizing that he didn’t want to kneel to her. All this time he had subconsciously looked down on her and only now he realized his mistake.  

 

            Lunetta saw this and grew ever more bitter, spinning on her heel to whisk away in a flurry of freezing stardust. 

 

            “You are nothing without me, Lunetta!” Andreis cried out in a moment of self-fury, wanting to blame her instead and immediately regretting his harshness, his glow dimming slightly.

 

            “And neither are you!” She screamed at him before fleeing to her lair, meteors falling to earth as she cried, the goddess of the night wasting away into a vulnerable ball of agony.  

 

            Thus, her weakened moon waxes and wanes throughout the months. Resentment, worthlessness; they are heavy burdens to bear. But centuries passed and she couldn’t bring herself to return to the sun. Perhaps she was too defiant, or maybe too humiliated.          

 

            But her dark feelings still remain, which is why you cannot see her nightly masterpiece in the city, obscured behind the factory smoke and pollution. She hides, watching as evil cloaks itself in her darkness to preform nasty deeds, driving her even farther into misery. 

 

            But, if you travel to the countryside, you’ll see her dance in all her splendor where she believes no one is watching, her indigo canvas glittering and swirling to the rhythm of nature’s subtle song. 

 

            As for Andreis, his heart aches to see her again, to make amends. When the moon fades and the sun rises, the clouds are tinged pink in the crimson dawn, his heart bleeding with regret over the horizon as the cycle continues in fragile harmony. At least, until the next eclipse... 

Author's Note

This is a short story I had to write for my English class. We were supposed to research different mythologies then write our own about why the way the world works the way it does.

At first I thought it was for an actual grade so I stayed strictly within the guidelines, then she surprised us by saying it was just a participation grade and we could have fun with it! So I went back and added more detail and put more of my style and emotion into it. Hope you like it! :)

Reviews

[C. Rose]

In my opinion, your strengths here are dialogue and tension.
It was an enjoyable read.
I'd like a bit more scenery, rather I'd like the scenery more spread out. There are times where the setting freezes and the dialogue floats away.

My personal way of understanding writing is that there are four elements.
Dialogue, Description, Action, and Thought.
Every author's style is going to be different, but balance is key.

By this way of thinking, I'd say that the minimal ACTION and the plentiful THOUGHTS is fitting for this story, but the DIALOGUE noticeably outweighs the DESCRIPTION.

In my writing style, dialogue doesn't play as large a role as it could, so I am a touch biased - even so - consider what balance would best fit this story.

[Felicity's Eve]

Thanks for the helpful review! :) I've always thought description was one of my strong points, but since this had a word Is limit I had to set the scene quickly. I would like to play around more with this peice, but lately I haven't had the time.

I like the way you think of those elements and how they fit together.

Thanks again, Rose. :)

[emmajoygreen]

If everyone laid out punctuation and spacing - editing and general checking would be a very happy space! As for the story, tis as mythical as it comes, delightful in fact and perhaps influenced by the day-night theme we all know. You really are very skilled. Great read, many thanks for sharing.

[Brad Dehler]

Very enjoyable read. Your description of the mythological landscape is amazing. Cradling a soft, pale blossom close to her chest, Lunetta crept up to the dim pool of light that divided their two worlds, gently setting the flower into it while stroking its petals comfortingly.. Very captivating

[Ardra]

Beautiful story... I enjoyed reading every bit of it :)

[Joshua Demarest]

Wow! I love etiological myths, and this blew me away! I've always like the femininity of the moon - and this story took the typical image of a moon goddess (the strong Artemis) and added a lot of vulnerability. I think that's a great addition to a "character" that has a natural tendency to wax and wain.

I agree with previous reviews that this could be stretched out into a longer story if you wanted, but as a mythological story that explains a natural phenomenon, it works amazingly well as is! I think it's brilliant that you added the touch of modern - incorporating why the moon is often obscured in metropolitan areas in addition to why it waxes and wains.

I think there are a couple areas where the pacing is a bit abrupt - Andreis' quick escalation from an apology to lashing out in a REALLY harsh manner (which could be explained away with his fiery nature) - but overall it worked really well. Really enjoyed reading this!

--edit--

If you ever consider revisiting this, I think you could play with those sunny days when you can see the moon peeking over the horizon as Lunetta trying to work up the courage to speak to him again, etc. Just a thought!

[Bacchus]

this was a fun write for me to read...

made me say- i want to write more than poetry, short stories, and novels too

because they can be delightful too.

I love the ending... but it made me wonder on those days where you can see the moon early in the night sky- what she must be saying to him.

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

This was really good and I like it alot alot, I love stories that have to do with space because of how amplified imagination can be! I would like for you to read one of my stories title Romance of Sun and Moon, The First Eclipse and let me know what you think. your story is amazing and I like the way u write, I will be further reading your work. Good imagination.

[Ahmad Cox]

I do enjoy what you did with the story and considering it is a homework assignment you did a good job.

[SquinklaPsyOps]

Magnificent!! I am almost at a loss for words. Absolutely no critique necessary here for a story that shines with each successive line.

[KittyKatgirl]

Wow this is really good :) I love the idea of the two gods one is the sun god and the other is moon goddess. And they have feelings for each other but they can not be together. Great story and I might look at more of your work soon.

[Nix]

Amazingly compelling story. I found my hairs standing on end at a certain point. You clearly have a way with words. Well written, friend.