Love Me, Love Me Not

When we first met, there was something about you that caught my eye, but I wasn’t too sure as to what it was, so I just brushed the feeling off. At first, I didn’t really want you; in fact, I was trying to find ways to avoid you, but I figured, you were a nice guy so I’d give you a chance. I was used to the “a*****e guy,” who liked to take advantage of my kindness and never let me enjoy life the way I wanted to and then I met you.

I’d never really been with a “nice guy” before, so I didn’t know what I was getting myself into, or if I was getting myself into anything at all. So we hung out, a few times, but it was always with friends; we never really went on “dates.” We weren’t really hanging out to date; we were just hanging to, well…hang out! I remember one night specifically, where I didn’t have my car and I needed a ride home so I asked you if you could take me, little did I know you were trying to get me to hang out with you alone for so long but never had the courage to ask me. You had just gotten off work and we parked a few houses down mine and what was only supposed to be a 15 minute hang out because you were tired and wanted to go home since it was almost midnight, ended up with us sitting in your car for about 3 hours, talking about nothing and just laughing and smiling. That’s when I knew you were different. That’s when I knew I loved you. That’s when I knew.

I didn’t verbalize it. Everything was happening so fast for me, but I had been through so much in my life and had grown up so fast that I had experienced different parts of life and had developed maturity in the “love department” a lot faster then most people my age. I always had control over my life and knew exactly what I was doing and what I was getting myself into, but you, you made things different for me. You made things better and I didn’t know how to take control of it. I wasn’t used to it. I was confused.

We dated for a month or so, or talked, whatever it’s called nowadays and you asked me to be your girlfriend and I was so happy I felt like a fat kid in a candy store. I was afraid to lose you so I tried my hardest to hold on to you by doing everything I shouldn’t have and saying everything I never should have said. It just all went wrong. And you woke up one morning and felt indifferent and that day I felt something in the pit of my stomach; something I never felt before. It was different.

We were hanging out in the car and you were acting weird. We began the conversation and that’s when I knew what was coming. Whatever feeling I felt in my stomach rushed to the top of my throat and I felt like I was choking and I heard the words, “I think we should break up.” When I tried to find reasons as to why we shouldn’t be together, nothing was making sense. “We never fought, we were always so happy, why do you want to end this?” “I just think we should see other people. My feelings for you have faded.” “How can they fade when one week ago you were making summer plans with me?” “I need to explore my options; see what else is out there for me.” “You were constantly asking me if I was happy with you, why would you ask me that if it didn’t mean anything to you?” “Of course it meant something to me, we had a good run, now we need to move on.” “You didn’t even give us a chance. How could we have a good run when we never even started?”

That day I had hit rock bottom. I’ve loved before and I’ve supposedly fallen in love before, but what I felt for you and what I felt that day when I knew we were done was different. I had finally experienced true heartache and I didn’t like it. I had these crazy thoughts in my head, which I had explained to my friends and they all thought that I was losing it. Of course I was losing it! But what I felt was real and what I knew was real and I knew something was going to happen. I had a master plan. I wasn’t going to do what every girl did, which was be vulnerable and still try to hold on and talk to you and be your “friend.” You can never be someone’s friend if you’ve fallen in love and have lost them. There will always be feelings involved. One will always feel more than the other. One will always hurt.

So I did the unthinkable, the most difficult thing that anyone could possibly do; I let you go. It was the smartest thing I could have ever done. I was miserable and I felt as if I was torn in two. I was never the type to show feelings; show emotion; show love. Losing you was the hardest thing that had ever happened to me where I was able to feel every emotion that I wasn’t able to feel before. There were a few conversations between us here and there and we kept in touch. You were trying to hang out with me constantly. I couldn’t understand why, but I didn’t ask questions. My answer to you was always no.

Then I heard the news of your grandmother’s passing and I hadn’t talked to you in weeks. I made a phone call, which changed everything between us. I guess when you lose someone close to you, it’s a different emotion that everyone feels and the person you least expect to be there for you is the first to make sure you’re okay. I was that someone that day.

So we started hanging out again and it was constant. We started “talking” again and began to get closer, reaching the point of, what you can call, dating without the title. You would constantly remind me, “We’re not friends with benefits. We’re more than that. You will always mean more to me then that.” I believed you. I trusted you. I tried to slowly let you in again until one day. We were at your best friend’s party. I saw you hanging out and talking to people. It didn’t bother me; or so I told myself it didn’t until the end of the night when you got a girl’s phone number and the smirk I saw on your friend’s face that made me feel like I was the stupidest girl on this planet. I took off and you followed me. Asked me what’s wrong; the usual dramatic exit right?

You had another “reality check” and realized that we were once again becoming something and you were afraid so you were pulling back. Again. This time I didn’t cry. This time I didn’t show you any emotion. This time I was strong.

I looked straight into your eyes and said, “You want to stop this? We’ll stop it. You don’t need to explain yourself to me. You don’t need to say anything at all. But just know one thing. I’ve cared for you when you had no one. I was there for you when you felt like you were alone. I was the one taking care of you when you weren’t feeling well. I was the one making you smile when you were upset. I was the one. You broke me once; you’re not going to break me again. I’m not your toy. I will be your friend when you need someone to talk to, but after tonight please do not ever contact me again.” I got in my car and I drove off. Of course after I drove down a few blocks, I called my best friend and started crying my eyes out, but at least in front of you I looked like I wasn’t in pain and you hadn’t affected me.

This time things were different. I moved on. And I was receiving surprisingly emotional phone calls from you. You were scared and confused and didn’t know what you were feeling or what you were doing. You were upset that you hurt me. You were upset that you had lost your best friend. You told me you missed me and had been doing a lot of thinking and realized that there was no one else but me that you wanted to be with. You told me you loved me. You love me. I love you too.

Reviews

[Richy Moon]

....That is some powerful writing. You hear all this stuff about looks and how rich he is and stuff, but this story... It really reminds you that only love really matters! I like it!