Chapter One

She sat down beside me, her skirt painting the grass with yellow flowers. I didn't look directly at her, but I could see, she was as beautiful as always. Her brown hair was flowing down around her like chocolate curtains. 
"It's a nice day." 
"Very." I mumbled without turning toward her.
I started pulling pieces of grass out of the lawn. Nerves, I suppose. What I was about to do wasn't exactly going to be easy.
A bird flew over us, past the clouds and the bright blue sky. It was such a pretty setting for such a depressing day. She didn't say much after that, neither did I.
The park began to fill up with pregnant mothers and laughing toddlers. Naïve children playing on the swings, running around without a care in the world. Funny how, I could be jealous of a small child. 
"Want to go get lunch?" I looked at her. I had to at some point. I could fully see her now. She was wearing a simple button up blouse, in black. Her skirt was a sort of mud yellow, with flowers and teapots on it. It looked somewhat like a China set. She didn't wear any makeup, she didn't need to. 
"I already ate." 
That was a lie, of course. She was secretly skipping meals. She thought I didn't know. I wouldn't say anything though, that was her business. I suppose it could have been mine if I knew how to talk to her. 
"Come watch the clouds." She grabbed my wrist and we ran over to the hill with the giant tree I used to climb as a child. Things were so simple back then. I used to climb to the top of tree and not even think about the fact that I could fall and die. 
We laid down on the grassy hill, staring into the sky. The sun was blinding my eyes, but I didn't complain. 
"Do you see that? That one over there, it looks like a giant castle." She said pointing at a giant cloud. I didn't see it. I said I did, it was easier that way. If I told her what I saw in the clouds she'd probably run away screaming. 
"Listen, I need to tell you something." This was it. I had to do it. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster. My hands started shaking; there was a layer of sweat on my forehead. 
She sat up, with a sort of skeptical look on her face. 
"What about?" 
That was a question I didn't want to answer. It was better if I just came out and said it. So many different reactions raced through my mind. She might stand up and walk away, she might slap me, hug me, freeze. So many different…routes she might take. 
I sat still for a few seconds until I realized I wasn't breathing. I sucked in air. She just stared at me saying absolutely nothing, while I looked into the distant trees. 
Should I just say it? Should I have written a letter to her instead? Picked somewhere better to tell her? Probably, but it was too late for that now. 
"You can't do that." She said suddenly. 
"You can't just say you're going to tell me something and then not." 
I turned to face her. Her cheeks were turning a bright pink from anger. I fidgeted with the grass in my hands and stared into the clouds for a couple of minutes. I could hear the screaming children in the background. It was around dinner time now, the parents were bringing their children home. It would be quiet soon, too quiet. The kind of quiet where you feel like everyone can hear your heart beat, hear you every time you swallow, hear every movement you make. The kind of terrible, awkward quiet that comes when there's nothing to say. After I said what I was going to say, there would be that terrible, awkward, quiet, because there would be nothing to say. Probably nothing to say ever again. 
And then I did it. I told her.