Chapter 12 You're anti-climactic, I'm melodramatic

“We cross our bridges as we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and the presumption that once our eyes watered.” Stoppard

You're Anti-Climactic, I’m Melodramatic

I remember being dragged outside of the bar by him after we hadn’t spoken in two months after I got home from Europe. I’d be convinced by my friends to come out again for an evening of fun and strong beverages, apparently I was growing more and more solemn every day. He wanted to say that we should be friends, he didn’t have anyone to argue with quite like me. 

I’d sent him a message weeks earlier saying that I had real feelings for him. He’d never replied. So instead now, after all of those months of tugging on my heart strings he, tonight, thought that outside of the bar would be an appropriate time to inform me that he lied to me; enough to at least keep me in his back pocket. 

« You and me, dating, its just not a good idea, we should be friends »

« See, I’d love to believe that, but if you wanted to be my friend you already would have been. Why now, and why just this platonic friendship? Why? » 

He started to say something shallow and noncommittal- basically just very lame. 

« You will be always be fond of me. I represent all of the sins you never had the courage to commit »

« No, stop talking. » and I put my hand over his mouth. He was leaning up against the wall - attempting to be closer to my height. « Everything you say is ridicules, get to the point: Why not? Don’t talk around it, don’t try to shrink it into something manageable. 

« You left, the timing wasn’t right. »

« I moved 45 minutes away. » He began rambling away what he’d just said, hiding behind a thorough respect for what he’d always called grey area. People say life is about timing. Timing is everything. But I don’t believe that. People are considered great because they accomplish things despite their circumstance, love is considered great because it was worth fighting for, despite unfortunate circumstance. For some people the timing will never be right. Thats what makes it great. Didn’t someone say love triumphs over all? Yes its cliche. But cliches are cliches for a reason. If someone really loves you they wont give up, there won’t be a grey area, and time will be no object. 

I felt betrayed,. I had thought this was different. But he was so scared. No this could never be different. Because he wasn’t. I smiled a little, bitterly. What had I ever seen in him? 

“Go ahead, hide behind being indecisive. No one said you had to love me. Hell, I know I didn’t say it. You don’t have to be ready, but you should be honest. Honesty isn't necessarily rude, not if its the best truth you can think of and if honesty is gonna burn a bridge, its probably a bridge you don’t wanna go back across anyway”.

A few seconds passed between us and then he looked at me dead in the eye and said:

« There was no passion. »

And I stopped short. Every fibre of my being burned with passion. Even now. I wanted to kill him, but I wanted to kiss him even more. I didn’t know who was around us, it was just him and I in our little bubble. But then it popped. I didn’t believe him. I knew, deep down in my soul that this was the result of the terrible kiss in July, but it was moot regardless. If he said there was no passion for him, then there wasn’t. You never want to have to convince someone to be with you.

He didn’t say anything else. And I knew he didn't love me. I realized then that I had already gotten my apology the spring before and I wouldn’t be getting another one now. 

And that is how it ended. Not with a bang but a whimper.