Babysitters from Hell

In an apartment in the middle of New York City, there lived a decorator. Not a nasty, dirty, trashed apartment or a barren, empty, uninhabitable one—it was an interior decorator’s apartment, and that meant comfort.

 

From the mouths of good-natured, benevolent people, Tasha was a hotheaded, irresponsible, dirty-mouthed, party-until-you-drop sort of woman. And a single mother. In anyone’s eyes, this was not a good combination. However, the decorator’s wild lifestyle had mellowed since she had regained custody of her two tots—much to her neighbors’ relief. Nevertheless, she did enjoy a good party now and again, which is how she found herself in her current predicament.

 

The thing—person?—sitting across from the designer was not one she hoped to ever, in her life, be within ten feet of. A wonderful bouquet of cigarettes and sweat, of Chinese food and rotten eggs penetrated the decorator’s nasal passages, and nearly caused her to swoon on her ultra-modern, black leather couch. Regaining herself, the woman spared a disdainful glance at the mess sitting on her matching recliner and focused on the clipboard in her lap. “So, the agency sent you?”

 

The agglomeration of chaos, mayhem and disarray nodded, before inhaling a wheezy breath. Why did I let it in? Wondered the designer. Nevertheless, she plowed bravely on. “Right. So. What’s your qualifications?” And is this a man or a woman?

 

The wreck glanced at her, and, if Tasha was interpreting the look from beneath the shaggy bangs and a grubby face correctly, gave her a very outraged glare. Right. How dare I ask. Seconds later, the thought hit her, is it even human? She was shocked when she heard it speak. Wheezy, raspy, and painful, the words came. “I cook.” Two words. Yay.

 

“Cook what?” she inquired, polite to the best of her abilities while she was wishing there was something breakable to snap.

 

“Food.” Came the androgynous drawl. Urgh!

 

“Right. Let’s just cut to the chase, hmm? No.”

 

“Okay, let’s not.”

 

Tasha's thoughts were leaning slightly more towards woman than man, but for the sake of her gender-bias, she prayed it was a man, so as not to be ashamed of the entire female sex.

 

“I meant, no, you are not right for me, I am not right for you, and I would never let my children near you, not within fifty feet. So. Goodbye.”

 

The smattering of dirt stood unsteadily, like a toddler, and then stomped out the door.

 

Whew. The next appointment, and thank you, God, I scheduled one, was in five minutes, which Tasha spent cleaning the usually immaculate floors of her apartment—those dirtied by the mud tower, that is. Five minutes flew by, and a knock was heard at the door. That’s the next sitter! Delighted that her night out would have a second chance, Tasha bounded to the door and flung it open.

 

The burly man outside grinned, and held up his boom box to face level. His handlebar moustache muddled his words, but even so, it was all too clear. “I hope you love heavy metal as much as I do!”

 

Author's Note

I love this one--it may not be my best, but I think it is funny. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I do.
And I love the Tolkien reference in the beginning... xD

Reviews

[vukcic]

You're quite talented. Allow me to preface this review with a comment on the fact that I probably do love metal as much as he does, and would hire him on that point alone. Good thing I haven't got children.

Anyway, a few scattered comments:

I like the language here. I imagined it being read to me by Michael Caine, for some reason. I think it's because you used the word "tots."

The plot of this would make for a compelling TV comedy maybe.

I felt, since the protagonist is an interior designer, that you should name precisely the kind of furniture around the place, not just say "ultra-modern black leather couch." That's kind of like a fashion designer saying, "she was totally wearing pants."

Your strength is definitely in descriptions. Impressive arsenal of adjectives. The dialogue, though, seemed a little shoved in, not very natural. You should concentrate on it a bit more.

Overall though, I enjoyed it.

[Nikki <3]

It made me lawl! Love!