Chapter Nineteen: Heart's Death

         I’m not sure how long I sat, just watching him. Tears came and went as I did so. I felt for the first time since Vorion’s death that I had a hole in my heart and this time I was being forced to cause the misery myself.

        I would have just sat there all night if I could have. I could have watched him pacing forever, looking around, sitting down and then standing back up and pacing again.

        But I had to face this. The hole in my heart growing larger, I stand up and I slowly drag myself in his direction, hiding my tear stricken face without being conspicuous.

        When he spotted me he instantly twirled my around in his arms, laughing. Oh, he was so happy. And if I wasn’t dry of tears, I would have cried again as he said, “Oh Aza this is the most wonderful night of my life. You see, for a moment there I was worried you had forgotten it was twenty one days instead of thirty but you showed up so there’s nothing to worry about.”

        His voice was extremely ecstatic. I’m not sure if it seemed even more so because I was in an especially awful state or because it really was so.

        “If I could err of the sounds which my heart speaks at this moment,” he continues as I dig my face into his chest, smelling him and letting him speak despite that I know I shouldn’t. “After you left me last time I could hardly sleep and then everything suddenly came into realization. My heart so soars in this bright night and I feel as if my voice may not cease to stop for I don’t know how much one mouth could possibly hold when it’s this exuberant and excited all at once. The thoughts racing through my mind like flashes of insane lightning don’t even compare to the unsteady beating of my sick heart! Oh Aza if only I could speak what exactly I mean without it being so simple, because nothing about it feels like it’s less complex than that of science or mysteries in history. And I have so much to tell you, and it may just take a lifetime but for once in my life I feel like I have an eternity ahead of me. And of course-” Kier lets out a big sigh and I can feel his heart, knowing just how anxious it is, and I knew for certain that he was happier than I’d ever seen him in that moment. “The Baron Richard was only so thrilled when I insisted that I must ask his daughter a question when the time was right. And that’s now, Aza, right here in this spot with his daughter, where I met the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on with the most intelligent mind I have ever known. And I’ve been debating whether or not to tell you of something else but I want to surprise you. Aza, I love you. Love is hardly even a strong enough word for the affection that I feel for you- I love you, I cherish you, absolutely and unconditionally adore you.  I can hardly spend a single moment without you. Aza, will you-”

        He stopped himself in that moment, just as he took both of my hands in his and then he quickly withdrew, pulling back from me. He lifted up my left hand and stared at the gem fashioned onto my finger. His face went from confusion to hurt. The night became suddenly quiet and after he looked at it long and hard, I noticed that in his other hand he was holding a different gem, designed much, much more artistically then the one on my finger.

        His eyes met mine, noticing for the first time the red splotches on it. He stared, his eyes full of complete and utter sorrow and pain. I wondered if he was even breathing.

        “What’s this?” he practically whispered. The hole grew even larger as more tears from my formally dry eyes begin to sprout out.

        He loved me. I’d doubted it all along that it was so but from his words I could hear that he was just as lovesick about me as I was about him. And suddenly I felt more pain then I had experienced even from Vorion’s death. I felt like I was suffocating and that the world I had once loved around me was caving in, sending me to an early death. I’m sure he saw the pain in my eyes too but he slowly let go of my hand, not touching me at all.

        “Kier,” I sob. “How many men did you kill in the war?” I asked.

        “The war?” he questions. “Aza, what about this rock on your left hand? Here I am dedicating my entire life to you and you want to know how many men I’ve killed in the war?”

        “Please, Kier,” my voice cracks.

        He shakes his head. “Many.”

        I nod my head, slowly. I knew it was true but somehow it hurt more to hear it. “Kier I have to go now.”

        “Aza, no, explain to me how you’re engaged. Do you love the man? How is it even possible after your father promised me your hand.”

        “The Baron Richard is not my father,” I whimper, hysterically. I start to walk away but Kier jumps in front of me, pacing backwards as I do so.

        “Do you not love me Aza, is that it? Please, explain to me what’s wrong, do you love him more than me?”

        “No, no,” I shake my head, avoiding his gaze.

        “Do you love me? Aza, tell me this, please! If you do then I swear on my life that I could be yours if you’d just tell me-”

        I knew this would happen. I knew it and I hated how he was so frantic because it just made me even sicker and sicker to my stomach. I wanted to tell him so bad, but I knew that the moment I did that I would give up everything for him and this war would be doomed, because he so obviously did not feel the same way about it that I felt.

        There was only one way I could get out of this. Make him hate me, because even with the knowledge that he had killed many of my people I could still never, ever hate him myself.

        Why did he have to confess his love to me tonight? WHY!? Is it some sick joke that heaven decided to play on me, to make everything as miserable for me as humanly possible?

        “I couldn’t ever marry a man who shed another man’s blood.”

        Kier paused in place then. He let me walk past him and I wanted him so badly to insist that I marry him, that I shouldn’t leave and that he’d never kill again if it meant I’d love him. But he didn’t. In fact as I was near to the next corner I turned back to look at him. And he was still standing there, I could even see the pain in his eyes from this distance.

        He never did anything wrong though. He never made me unhappy in any way and I felt so guilty for doing all of this to him.

        Before anything could settle in, I turned again and ran.

        *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

        “Give me one reason to keep trying,” I cried as I found myself miserably sobbing into Hadrian’s chest. It was still dark out when I arrived back at the castle and I didn’t want to be alone. So I woke Hadrian up.

        I was expecting him to be grouchy since I had woken him up but he blinked a couple of times then softly ran a hand through my hair. “Love, what’s wrong?” he asked, simply, definitely contradicting the angry reaction that I was preparing for.

        “You were right, Hadrian,” I sniffled. “Nothing good ever comes from love. So what’s the use of fighting for something so disastrous?”

        “I really wish that you wouldn’t have listened to me sometimes. What do you mean nothing good comes out of it?”

        “I mean you,” I whined. “You’ve been stomping all over me since day one of our engagement and putting me down at every possible chance you get. All kinds of love are foolish. All kinds of love destroy people in the end.”

        “Callea,” he breathes slowly. “You’re exhausted. Just sleep-”

        “I can’t sleep,” I answered bitterly. 

        “You need to keep trying because if you don’t stop the war,” he starts to explain, “nobody will, and you’ll have to take the guilt of not trying to stop it with you to your grave.”

        “I’ve tried everything. They don’t listen to me. I don’t know if they’ll listen to you either Hadrian, they’re so set in hatred… they chose their hate over their love. If love is the thing that insists that it won’t be a part of hate, hate then decides it doesn’t care to be a part of love. Love doesn’t conquer, Hadrian. Hate is love’s equal, in a real world neither of them could truly conquer the other. And it’s taken me nearly sixteen years to discover this myself, but this is the truth within the secrets of detestation and adoration. There is no point in trying to stop what won’t listen. It’s like trying to get a world of cat’s and dogs to quit hating each other. It’s impossible. A waste of time.”

        Hadrian’s hand lightly touches my cheek. “Love will find a way. Hatred and love may be equals, but love is the one that’s right and good. Hatred is never good, and you know that much is true. Hatred is the easiest emotion. But it takes a strong heart to love. Both are contagious but only one of the emotions lead to a happy ending. Love will never be easy. But it will always, always be worth it.”

        I couldn’t find a word of what he was saying true though. It was never worth it to love Kier because I had to give him up in the end. 

        “Callea, I know we fight a lot. But you know I love you, despite all the rude remarks I say, don’t you?”

        I lied against him in silence. The truth was that I didn’t really know that. I didn’t really know if I could believe him about that. I wanted to, especially as he reiterated it just then. But I wasn’t completely sure still.

        “Oh…” he sighed, understanding what my silence meant. He slid me off of him then positioned either of his arms on each side of me. He leaned down and kissed me, more passionately then he had ever done before. In my misery, I succumbed to kissing him back, both of our hearts escalating quickly as he just pressed his lips against mine.

        Moments later one of his hands started fiddling with the back of my dress. As I understood what he was doing I pulled back from him. “Hadrian…”

        Knowing that I had caught him he tries to cover it up by putting his hands on my face and continuing to kiss me. But I already knew everything.

        Such as the reason he kept going to see Gloriana.

        He’s a harlot- and how deep that passion within him was, I didn’t know but I was certain it was true in that moment. But I also knew that he wasn’t lying when he said he loved me- a small fraction of him did love me. But most of his mind was elsewhere, because I understood that thought that small fraction loved me he was mostly anxious about my beauty- anxious that the beauty would be his. It made more sense why he wanted to marry me sooner. 

        And I knew then that I didn’t love him. I didn’t hate him either, but I most certainly did not love him, which became most evident in that moment. I would never love him more then a simple friend, because only when we were friends could I truly tolerate him. 

        I released from him again. He was smiling and I wasn’t sure if it was out of lust or happiness. I pulled myself out from under him and slid to the floor.

        “Goodnight Hadrian,” I stated. The tears in my eyes soaked my cheeks for the umpteenth time that night as I recognized the difference, most certainly, of lust and love.