Chapter Seventeen: Torn Between Two Hearts

         “Where were you?” Hadrian’s voice was harsh as he grabbed the reins of my horses. I tried to shove him aside but he wouldn’t budge. “What, am I just supposed to accept the fact that you’re off with some other man and just not care?”

        “What is it with you people assuming I’m off with a man?” I question, throwing daggers at him with my eyes.

        “Then where were you, Callea?” he asks again, harsher.

        “It doesn’t concern you,” I state, giving up on trying to squeeze pass him and putting the reins in his hands for him to take care of the horse.

        “What do you mean it doesn’t concern me? Do you listen to yourself speak sometimes, Callea?”

        “I mean that it’s really none of your business.”

        Hadrian sighs exasperatedly shaking his head at me. I turn, heading back towards the castle. “Oh that’s right. You haven’t heard because you weren’t here!”

        “Heard what?” I ask, spinning around using the same irritated tone as he was. He raises his eyebrows, then turns with the horse to put it back in the stables. I shake my head at him, heading inside the castle. My father was bound to tell me the moment he saw me.

        *~*~*~*~*~*

        I was in complete shock. 

        “I’m not going to marry the duke,” I state, making sure I heard right.

        “Correct,” my father sighed.

        “But I’m still engaged?” my voice squeaks a little at the end of the question. My father nodded again. “To who?” My father motions to the door.

        Hadrian walks in- the same Hadrian that was my old betrothed’s son. He had a straight face that was completely composed. And now I’m engaged to him.

        Six months ago this would have been the most glorious moment in my entire life. Six months ago after he told me he loved me, which he doesn’t believe so I’m not sure how that worked, and six months ago when I was dazzled by his posture and his voice in every way, when he wouldn’t even pay me a single glance. Isn’t he engaged, maybe even already married to Gloriana, my cousin? This isn’t six months ago though.

        I sat there, shocked once again.

        “After speaking with the duke, they have come to the conclusion that you will marry the duke’s son rather than the duke. That way you should both live a long life and perhaps that silly word you love so much wont seem so impossible to you anymore,” my father explains. They came to the conclusion? As in Hadrian actually was a part of it?

        I felt irritated at him then. I clenched my jaw, not saying anything as I still felt like I was completely confused. “Excuse me,” I finally let out after awkward moments of silence. I brushed past Hadrian as I walked out of my father’s chamber and nobody said anything as I did so. I supposed that they were expecting it. I wasn’t quite sure where I was going until I found myself clinging onto the stone wall of my balcony, looking blankly at the red roses below it.

        ‘The ripest roses would exist by the loveliest thing in the castle. I’m sure they must be by your balcony,’ his voice of the past spoke to me as I stared at them, remembering how I made a fool of myself that night, most completely.

        “A rose is no match for an angel,” I said out loud, recalling other words he spoke that night. I gulp, closing my eyes.

        “I lied that night you know,” that same voice that was just barely speaking in my head says aloud. I fix my posture, gritting my teeth together.

        “I know you lied,” I hiss bitterly. “That was the night you proposed to my cousin. You can’t have two wives you know,” I stated then turned around to face him.

        “You don’t even know what you’re talking about,” Hadrian rolls his eyes. I hated how he did that. Ever since he returned to the castle he’d just spoke to me like I am his equal. And we’re not equals and I hate how he keeps being so stubborn all the time, always insisting that I’m the one who’s wrong.

        “Don’t I?” I questioned, amused. “Are you denying what you did?”

        “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he states again.

        “Why did you tell me you loved me then, Hadrian, and then less than an hour passed and my cousin came to me speaking of her new engagement to you? Please, I beg you to explain that.”

        “I don’t need to give you any explanation, you have to marry me regardless. Besides why are you acting so surprised about the engagement, I thought you knew.”

        “What do you mean you thought I knew? How would I know something like that?” I sneer.

        “I brought you to the chamber when our fathers were speaking about it. You told me you thought it could make it work.”

        I recalled the night but I didn’t recall anything about being engaged to Hadrian instead. “I meant that I thought that we could make our idea about the war work. I didn’t know I was going to get engaged to you.”

        “Oh I’m sorry,” he glowers. “Let me just take a step back and allow you to marry my father again, you sound like you’d be much happier.”

        “Most likely I would, because with you I’ll have to worry about the fact that you keep secrets from me all the time,” I glare. “And how you won’t tell me anything because ‘I still have to be your wife’ anyway.”

        He scoffed. “Are you really so blind?” he inquired harshly. “Fine. I told you I loved you because it was what you wanted to hear. Alright? Are you satisfied?”

        “Not quite,” my voice was like ice. “Why are you doing this to Gloriana?”

        He huffed then, shaking his head. “I never loved her. You know I never loved her. And I proposed because she would have made a good wife and since I didn’t believe in the word love I figured that she would…” he shifted uncomfortably for a moment, pausing, “she would please me fine since flirting and kissing seemed to be her favorite things to do. I figured that I would never find love and so I asked her to marry me, knowing it was about time I wed.”

        “Your pleasure and pride,” I roll my eyes. “And you just let her.”

        “Of course I did,” he grunts. “I’m human still.”

        “You’re a man,” I retort. I was sure they hadn’t done anything too extreme because Gloriana had strong beliefs about waiting for marriage, that she spoke to me about from time to time even when they were engaged.

        “That I am,” he nods, not fighting with me for once in his life.

        “Why are you marrying me instead then? Gloriana you at least had convinced that you believed in love. I know you don’t, and why do you think I want to marry a man I know can never love me? Is it because I happen to be more beautiful than Gloriana, the idea of being king, tell me.”

        “Do you ever run out of questions?” he asks exasperated. “I’m doing you a favor. If both the queen and king of Aynah want to end the war then what choice would Aynah have then to defend them both? You should be thanking me.”

        My mind drew a blank. He was right. Oh, was he right. I’d be going into a loveless marriage though, and love has been a word I’ve dreamed about for my entire life.

        I understood in that moment that with great things come great sacrifice. To make two lands at peace I was quite possibly going to have to give up one of the two things I wanted most. It was clear that I couldn’t have them both. And sure enough, then, it was truly clear that I could never have love.

        It’s because he’s Kaithronese. And I’ve been trying to fight it for almost four months now but the truth was that he was Kaithronese. And he had no idea who I was, and if he did then he’d want to kill me. Because he’s bloodthirsty and hateful- and I know, just now, that I’ve been fighting that miserable truth for too long now. Love blinded me and the choice was clear.

        I could run away with Kier and bask in love for my life but also in lies, and never see the war end. Or I could marry Hadrian, never be loved, but end the eternal hatred between two countries that has been going on for so, so long.

        This is my first collision with the words love and hate. The first thing they offer is sacrifice. Hard, cold, painful sacrifice. And no matter which sacrifice I made I’d always, always be miserable.

        I love Kier, there is no doubt about that. But does he love me? If he can’t confess it to Aza, how would he confess it to the loathed Princess Callea?

        A tear trickled down my cheek because I knew what I had to do. “Maybe I don’t want your help. Maybe I just want you to go back to Gloriana,” I whispered. 

        “But the princess would make me happier. With the princess it’s not about the pleasure, but I can speak to her and she actually makes me think. She makes me argue with her, and she won’t just agree with everything I say, so with her, once in a while she puts my head straight. She‘s independent and I actually have to worry about her, which makes her far more exciting and then she says things that amuse me at every given moment. The princess reads and gains all the education she can, and I hate to admit she is much smarter than I am. The princess would make me much, much happier.”

        “You’re selfish,” I cry.

        “By grace, I know that,” he replies. “And I didn’t realize it until last night.”

        Hadrian lifts up my chin, forcing me to meet his big brown eyes. As if echoing my pain, clouds covered the sun adding a sense of gloom to the balcony. “And before I realized how selfish I am I understood that I’m very envious. Because I knew you were off with someone and I felt a feeling I had never experienced before in my life- uncontrollable jealousy. And that’s when I realized that I didn’t want you to be with any man, not unless it was me. Then, you see, that’s when the selfishness kicked in when I spoke to my father and insisted that I have you. That you would be my wife. And when I still felt jealous even though it was decided that I could marry you, but you were still gone and with someone else and I still couldn’t do anything, I understood one thing, last of all. Not only that I needed to be with you for the rest of my life to keep me sane but that a word I thought was a fantasy, completely made up, a word that was just a rumor even though that princess that’s far smarter than I am told me it was real, I finally came to understand for myself that for goodness sakes, it was the most real and perfect and harmonious word in the entire world. Princess Callea of Aynah, I am yours in every way because I’m absolutely mad about you. I love you- and this time I mean that I do without a doubt in my mind.” Hadrian ends his rant and I feel like I’m hardly breathing. 

        I closed my eyes, sucking in as much breath as I can then I release it. My heart was pounding crazily. 

        “Callea say something.”

        “I don’t know what to say,” I breath out unsteadily.

        “Say you’ll marry me,” he says. “Callea, will you marry me?”

        I open my eyes and then I see that he’s holding a ring in front of my face, a beautiful white gold with a very elegantly cut diamond on it.

        I knew that no matter what I said I had to. But right then it felt like I actually had the choice regardless, like he was giving me the choice to choose which sacrifices I was going to give. “Yes,” I answered. “Yes, I’ll marry you.”

        He grinned and in it I saw that he wasn’t lying. He did love me. And so, as I leaned up to kiss him it didn’t feel like so much of a sacrifice because I comprehended that I really did want to marry him. As my lips touched his he lifted me up with a pleasant chuckle in his throat and then the rain poured down as our kiss flourished.