Chapter Thirteen: Life, Love, Lavish

         “Aza, there is something I need to tell you before anything else is spoken between us. I can’t live with the guilt of having lied to you, anymore,” Kier rushed out his words, pulling me into an embrace as soon as he found me.

        “Alright,” I whisper, trying to inhale the fact that he lied to me in some way, but I could hardly allow it to get to me. I lied to him too… but will this man that I have to suddenly confess everything? Like the fact that I’m engaged and I’m still seeing him? Perhaps that I’m not even Kaithronese would be a start, too…

        I’m engaged… I can’t marry Kier. It’s simply not possible anymore yet with his arms wound around me I didn’t want to believe that I had so many obstacles in the way of loving him.

        I didn’t realize just how much I adored him until that moment. I didn’t understand how completely dazzled by him I was, just how passionate my feelings were for him because just holding him, after only moments of touching him my heart started aching, both sorrowfully and joyfully. Joy, to be with him. But the most painful sorrow because I knew, now, just how forbidden and unrealistic the love was, and I knew that somehow I would have to let him go… tonight. And at that very moment, I didn’t know if I could honestly, from the bottom of my heart, do that very thing without shattering the rest of my life ahead of me.

        That’s what’s so insane. I’d only been with him two nights before yet I could hardly breathe without him present. I didn’t just want to be with him, though he is Kaithronese and strictly forbidden, but in that moment I knew that I was forever going to need him. The heartache might have eventually healed but his smell, his warmth and everything about him would not.

        But I couldn’t tell him of my dying adoration either. Because it would only make things harder. I might again promise him thirty days but I wont show. And he can come up conclusions on his own, anything that would allow him to think I simply did not want him back so the wounds of his own, if he’ll have any, could heal too.

        But I just didn’t want to let go.

        “Aza…” Kier’s soft voice practically sung my name as he stroked a hand through my hair. “I’m not a baker within the castle walls. I lied to you.”

        I jerk my head up to meet his anxious eyes. That was all he lied about? “What are you than?” I question. Please, please do not tell me that you are a soldier. By heaven’s I would much, much rather him be a baker.

        “I’m,” he swallowed. I waited for his answer but he just stared at me. I moved my head a little, beckoning for him to continue. “Aza, no matter what I am, will it make a difference to you?”

        “It might,” I admit. Because if there was the slightest possibility that he killed my brother then I’d know I was in an even bigger mess. 

        “In a positive way?” he questions. I lower my head. Most likely not, but how am I to say that? 

        Kier sighed. “I need to tell you anyway. To be honest. I’m the p-” he gulped. “the p-p-poison tester. Oh Aza please understand-”

        “You test for poison?” I gasp. I was shocked. “You hang your life loose on a line every single day-” I start but he stopped me by putting a finger up to my lips.

        “Don’t be angry with me. Please,” he said but then hung his head down, shamefully. I wasn’t angry with him though. I trusted him to know what he was doing, though I was slightly terrified.

        “I’m not upset,” I answer. But I should be upset. If I could play it out for just five minutes, have him convinced that I detest his very soul then I’d never have to live with the guilt…

        “Why have you had a sorrowful face ever since you came tonight then?”

        His asking caused me to collapse in his arms, weeping like a poor baby. Callea, what are you doing? Kier pulled me over to the fountain and sat me down on it.

        “Kier,” I whimpered. “Have you ever had your heart torn out before, so much that you didn’t think you’d ever accumulate it all together again?”

        I had to know just how much I could possibly be hurting him, in thirty days when I would not show up again. When he would realize that I wasn’t going to come and he’d never be able to find me again until I reigned over Aynah and he would know that he absolutely detested my very soul.

        Kier then, letting go of my hands starts to pace back and forth as he stands up and moves away from me. His strides were inconsistent, first fast the slow. I waited, trying not to look like such the baby that I know I am.

        “I have,” he states. Two words, then he stops pacing and looks down. “But it doesn’t matter anymore.”

        By the tone of his voice I could note that it ended on a very bitter note. I considered whether or not to question further. “What was her name?”

        “Rebecca,” he replied silently. “She visited the palace often and befriended me when I was fourteen, about four years ago. She mocked me constantly but I was a fool in love. I declared such love one morning after a year of taking her mock and her scorn like the idiot I was.  And she rejoiced at my love. The more time I was around her the more affectionate I grew for her. Then one day after two or three months of becoming her dog a servant came to me,” Kier huffed now, refusing to make any sort of eye contact with me. “And told me he had seen her committing harlotry with my uncle. It crushed me and two months later she was his wife after it became evident that she was with child. I swore to myself that I would never again allow my heart to become so chained again. Yet somehow,” Kier pauses now, then smiles, “my heart repaired. It was agonizing but I lived through it. You see, there was this day when I lost my virgin lips and I knew I was in trouble.”

        “You mean,” I gulp, “you mean I was the first woman you had ever kissed?” I was practically whispering. Did that mean he loved me or that he had potential to love me? Or did he plan on staying true to his word and never loving again? My head felt suddenly confused and I couldn’t speak.

        “Perhaps…” he grins. Why was he being so secretive? What was there to hide anymore? Why couldn’t he just tell me how he feels about me.

        Ugh, I should stop caring! I wont have him in the end anyway and if it is true that he does love me then I’m soon to shatter his heart for the second time… or was I doing both of us a favor by leaving? 

        “And why is it that you asked such a question? He queries, sitting down again. My pain felt irrelevant to his though. 

        I shook my head. “I was just curious,” I lied.

        “And then, why are you sad?” he presses.

        I should just tell him. Just tell him and spare me from consequences that could be possible.

        “I don’t think I can see you again after tonight, Kier. Obligations seem to be getting more and more in the way.”

        He pauses, not saying anything. I was getting nervous that he was going to be angry, to tell me that it was okay or maybe even tell me that if I didn’t wish to see him then he didn’t wish to see me. 

        “What sort of obligations?” he asked after a few hushed moments. His voice didn’t seem angry, but rather… panicked.

        “Obligations such as responsibility… for a start,” I reply, not wanting to be saying this. It was like the reality of it was being poured out at that very instance, and I didn’t know if I could do it.

        “But for one night every month why not forget those responsibilities?”

        “Because,” I whisper. “Because I can’t.”

        There is another while of silence. Kier’s perfect blue eyes stare into my silver, just staring and I notice our faces getting slightly closer and closer.

        “It’s your choice,” he breathes. “But Aza… I would really love to see you as often as I possibly could. For ten minutes in a day, for every second I could get with you. And I know it’s strange because I hardly know you but because of my previous dreams I feel like I’ve known you my whole life. If you must go and never return because it’s what’s best then do so. If you feel as if you hardly know me and that’s why it is strange for you, to keep seeing me then I understand that as well. But understand that I do not wish to see you go.”

        If only I could tell him how I’m engaged and how it wont be possible to continue this. The more I see him the worse it will hurt, later, because someday someone is going to know. 

        I fall back into his arms, squeezing him tightly. Once again I just didn’t ever want t let go and I didn’t want to have to think of any of the consequences. Because there would be many consequences, that much I am sure of, whether it be the destruction of my heart or by continuing this affair, getting caught and losing any potential I had for becoming a great queen. 

        Kier ran his nose along my ear and I closed my eyes, breathing in his musky scent.

        “Her eyes were as a mountain of most miraculous of gems, yet with their loss does the mountain crumble. Her lips burned red as a brilliant flame, seeking joy and burning hope that they did start. She was like a goddess, not for beauty but for her spirit that was free and had a power and mind of its own. If I could taste that soul for a millionth time then I should thrive in splendor for an eternity. Oh how my heart so throbs in agony to know that she might only feel of my skin once more,” Kier whispered poetically into my ear. I felt more tears jerking at my eyes.

        It was that I couldn’t go. Not because he didn’t want me to but because I didn’t want me to. Because I know I can’t take it, and I know it very well. After thirty days I would find myself losing my sense of breathing and I would always feel this sense as if there is something more… far more than marrying without love. Was I going to let an engagement get in my way of seeing the man I really loved? It hurt to think about.

        There wouldn’t be any more thinking about it. The fact was that I couldn’t leave him, no matter what. No matter if he didn’t or couldn’t love me, no matter how every moment of the pathetic affair was completely and utterly forbidden. It was because I was so hideously in unstoppable, and uncontrollable love, floating on that wonderful cloud of infinite sensation.