Right between the line of the Redwood Forest and the mountains lied a large field in which a couple of homes had been spread apart. Mine was one of them. This was a paradise that nobody could ever even imagine to live in, but nobody cared to look for it. Not only was the landscape beautiful, I was in love with it and I was in love with a boy who could change the world.
It never mattered how far I was out in the fields either. I could always hear my mother calling my name out, because nobody was near. Our closest neighbor lived two miles away.
That morning, my interest was captivated on the most interesting flower that I’d seen that spring. It was blue with a tint of yellow highlighting the edges and a yellow center. A ladybug had been on it earlier, but it left before I could even count it’s spots. After sixteen years, that place still seemed to amuse and surprise me with each passing moment because it was always flourishing itself and adding new things for me to explore.
“Ellie, please don’t tell me that you’ve been out here all morning.” I turned around to see Daniel grinning down at me, a lock of his brown hair in his face as he squinted from the sun. Daniel was one of my neighbors that lived two miles away. He was an only child living with his two grandparents ever since his parents died eight years before.
My stomach did a couple cartwheels like it did every time I saw him. He was two years older than me, but I’d known him since I was eight. Since we were the only two that lived remotely near each other and since we were close in age we had gotten to know each other more and more over the years. All of that was during the time I’d fallen more and more in love with him. I only had one younger sister, but she was only two at that point. For a while, I was an only child as well which also helped us bond more closely.
“Only since six,” I replied, turning over onto my back. “The sunrise was perfect, it rose just between those two mountains.” He chuckled, shaking his head slowly.
“Your blouse isn’t white anymore… in fact it has this lovely yellow dandelion color on it,” he smiled, nodding his head toward my shirt. “And your jeans almost match your hair.”
I laughed and I took a hold of the hand he had held out for me. That wasn’t true of course, because my hair was a dark brown color, thus nowhere close to the navy blue color of me jeans, dirt stained or not.
It was only in my head that I imagined him pulling me into a kiss now. Dan didn’t exactly know that I was in love with him. But I was so terrified of telling him.
“I think today is one of those days that you and I need to take a little walk,” he suggested, grinning. I was never able to resist this of course, because it was the ‘little’ walks that wound up lasting for a ridiculous amount of hours. We would confide in each other and tell each other jokes and sometimes we’d end up sleeping beneath the stars counting them and losing track every time. The ‘walks’ were hardly ever walks though. Usually we just went to Toketee Falls, and we’d admire them from the bottom.
I smiled and he reached out to play with one of my curls which caused a fit of butterflies to tighten my stomach. “I think you’re right,” I agreed. When I was around Daniel, I was never unhappy. In fact it was always this sensation like I was floating on clouds, or like everything that would ever bother me suddenly didn’t matter because I was with him. I never could tell if it was his brown eyes that I so easily got lost in or if it was simply his essence and the feeling I got around him.
He put his hands into his pockets as we started walking towards the forest, so I mirrored the action. I silently sighed to myself, wishing he would have grabbed my hand or linked our arms.
“So what’s on the ‘to be’ list for today?” he asked. By this he was referring to the fact that I want to be something different every day. He was always curious to ask about everything I chose to be. In the end, he always found some way to make me change my mind. Not because he’d convince me that I didn’t want to be one, but because he would question me and I would realize myself that I didn’t want to be one. Whenever I changed my mind though, he would ask me what else I wanted to be, and I never had an alternate.
“Today, I want to be a flower. A blue flower with a yellow rim.”
I glanced at him to see his reaction. He grinned and chuckled a little. “Why a blue flower with a yellow rim?” he inquired.
“They’re enticing. I was just playing with one earlier.”
“Aren’t all flowers pretty? Why don’t you want to be a yellow flower with a blue rim?”
“Because blue ones are my favorite now. I’ve never seen one of them before,” I replied.
“But you have seen a yellow one with a blue rim?” he questioned for clarification.
“Well, no-”
“Then how do you know blue ones are your favorite?”
“Here’s a question for you, my friend. How can something be my favorite when I’ve never seen it?” I queried. I’m sure my cheeks were bright red with blush by then, but I didn’t let it bother me. He was used to seeing me blush constantly.
“Well you’ve never seen a unicorn either, but you like them.”
I giggled, shaking my head. “There’s a difference. There is only one kind of unicorn, and I never said a unicorn was my favorite.”
“Okay. What about a purple flower? You’ve seen one of them before. Why aren’t purple ones your favorite?”
“Too common,” I responded, shrugging.
“How do you know that blue flowers with yellow rims aren’t common in Wyoming?”
I snickered and gently nudged him. “Now you’re just questioning my choice for the glory of questioning me. I want to be a blue flower with a yellow rim, okay? I just don’t want to be a purple one. If it makes you feel any better then I want to be that one I just saw since it is not common around here.”
“Okay,” he smirked, and nodded.
By then, we were entering into the forest and we slowed down the pace a bit. We both loved wandering through there because it was like a beauty that was unlike any other part of Oregon. The scenery was always green and always smelled amazing like the butterscotch-vanilla of the trees.
“Why a flower?” he questioned after a minute of soft, silky smooth silence.
“Everyone likes flowers.”
“Not everyone,” he retorts. Most people would have found his questioning and rebuttals annoying, but I found them calming. It was almost like I needed a reason to talk to him, and this was one of those conversations that I could always count on.
“Who doesn’t? I don’t know of anyone. Flowers are the sign of love and they add color to places. They’re all different, just like snowflakes.”
“You would agree that flowers have plenty of flaws though?” he inquired.
“So do humans. What kind of flaw did you have in mind?”
“They’re not forever. They die by the season, and then they re-flourish themselves. But when it snows they get too cold and they can’t even go inside to get warm. If they don’t get enough water they wilt, or if they don’t get enough sun they perish. They can be plucked or cut so easily and toute de suite. They’re so helpless.”
“If you really think about it, a human has a lot of those traits too, you know.”
“But what about speaking and listening?” he challenged.
“I wouldn’t mind so much to never speak again,” I answered. “Most of the stuff I say comes out to make me sound ridiculous anyway.” As for listening though, I wasn’t going to admit to him that it would be torture to not be able to hear to him. “Who says a flower can’t hear?”
“I don’t think you sound ridiculous,” he insisted, ignoring my question. “I think you have a beautiful voice.” I could hear the waterfall in the near distance by that time. It sounded much closer now so I knew that it would only be another minute or so before we reached it.
His compliment caused me to turn a brighter shade of red and my cheeks filled up with a rushing torridness. The simple things that he said made me almost go insane. He’d gotten me earlier though about wanting to be a flower. Not because he told me I’d never hear anything again, but because he was wondering how I’d adapt to the lack of ability. If it meant for me to never hear him again, I never would want to be a flower. I couldn’t tell him that though. He’d have changed his mind about me not being ridiculous.
“I don’t want to be a flower, I’ve decided. It wouldn’t mean anything to live outside all the time if it meant that I could never listen to what goes on around me. Who knows if a flower can hear? It’s not a chance I would take.”
“Then what would you be?” he asked.
“Nothing. I don’t want to be anything,” I sighed. “I wonder though. What do you want me to be? Every time you ask me, it’s like you’re expecting me to reply with something. What do you wish I’d want to be?”
The waterfall was in sight, looking just as beautiful as it always did. He motioned for me to sit down on the rock, and he took his seat next to me. “I want you to be something that would suit you. I want you to be something that would never do you any harm, but would only give you bliss. Nothing about being it would make you unhappy. That’s what I want you to be.”
I shook my head, unsure if there was anything that I’d want to be in that case. It seems like everything I want to be has some sort of glitch to it that I simply couldn’t live with.
He became silent, and I let the silence fill me for a moment. It wasn’t an awkward silence, in fact it was a very peaceful silence. The waterfall was the dominant sound besides the occasional cracking of leaves from a squirrel or the whistling from a bird. The smell of the waterfall reflected off of it as well. I closed my eyes, listening to both his breathing and to the perfect world around me at that exquisite moment.
Daniel set a hand on my cheek, and I opened my eyes as his brown eyes locked onto mine. “Ellie… I need to tell you something.”
My heart must have done everything right then. It must have flipped, squirmed, and jumped out of my chest all at once. Did he love me too? Was he finally going to tell me he’d been feeling just as I had for the past eight years? These were the kinds of questions that were filling my mind. “Tell me,” I whispered.
“I’ve been thinking for a while. I haven’t told you about it because I wasn’t sure how you would react but I’ve just been rehearsing it over in my head. Ellie, I’m,” I inhaled hugely, unsure if I could breathe at that point.
“Ellie, I’m leaving.”
Whatever my heart and mind was doing before, it completely shattered when I heard those words. I swore at that very moment my heart literally split into two pieces, if not more. “Ellie?” he asked.
“Your leaving?” I breathed. “What do you mean?”
“Ellie,” he sighed, and he lowered his hand that was on my cheek. “I’m finished with school now, and I need to do something. I need to help in Iraq, and I just thought you would understand because-”
“You’re going to Iraq?” I gasped. Gulping, I tried to stop the tears that were seconds away from exploding out everywhere. “For how long?” I practically whispered. The tears started falling, and I turned away, not wanting to let him see me cry.
“I knew this was going to be hard for me to tell you,” he muttered to himself. “Ellie, it’s not because of you. I just feel like it’s one of those things that I need to do. Ellie believe me, you’re the most amazing girl, and it’s going to fly by so fast. It’s only a couple years…”
“Two years?” I squeaked. I really wanted to be happy for him that he decided to do this, I wanted to be happy that he was going to serve my country… but I couldn’t. I couldn’t be happy because I wanted him to stay with me. I wanted him to stay with me to watch the sunsets, to cheer me up, to go on adventures in the woods with me and to make me blush every time he said something that just made my heart basically swoon.
“This is so much harder than it was in my head,” he suddenly said. “I’ll be back though Ells. Nothing is going to happen to me and we can still write. I’ll be back in time for your graduation and I’ll be able to update you on everything all the time.”
“When are you leaving?”
He donned silence, as if he was hoping I wouldn’t ask that question. “Tomorrow,” he answered brusquely. That was what I was afraid he would say. “I couldn’t bring myself to tell you sooner… I just couldn’t do it.”
Maybe this was all something I wasn’t quite mature enough to handle. It was all something that I would understand come two years, and something that might even turn things for the better in the end. He would do something miraculous, I knew he would. I was too stubborn though and I didn’t want him to leave.
I stood up, and he mimicked me, placing his hands on both my arms behind me. “Ells…” he started but didn’t continue, like he didn’t know how to continue.
“Don’t worry about me,” I whimpered foolishly. “I want you to go. Really, I do,” I lied. If I told him I didn’t want him to go though, he wouldn’t have. He was like that. He listened to those around him a lot. I didn’t want the burden of making him stay though, because I knew he didn’t want to.
“Just write to me at least once a week, okay?” I rushed out, biting on my lip. “Just promise me you’ll write.”
With that, I just started to run. I didn’t want to stick with him, because I didn’t want to tell him goodbye. He was going to come back in two years, and I would realize how silly I was for over-reacting with too many goodbyes. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
He called my name after me, but I didn’t heed his words. I only ran faster, being careful not to trip over stumps and roots. When my home came into view I pressed on faster until I collapsed on my porch. I was in hysterics, so much that my stomach hurt as I wept on the front of my porch.
What I was hoping would happen didn’t. I cried for only a couple minutes before Daniel was behind me. He didn’t say anything. He just stood there in all his depressed glory. My mind wasn’t working properly as I stood up and walked over to him. I was going to push him and tell him to go away but instead he grabbed my wrist before I could make the move.
Suddenly, I found myself leaning up until my lips were pressed against his. He seemed to have been expecting it though because he almost immediately put his hand on my face and he pressed his lips into mine as well. My heart started pounding much too quickly and with his other arm he wrapped me closer and my breaths became unsteady.
Reentering reality I pushed him away, tears still staining my cheeks. This had to be an instinct of his. “Just leave,” I told him, and I walked up the stairs of my porch and into my house, slamming the door behind me.
It didn’t matter that night who tried to calm me. My mother, my father, nobody. Anything they said was simply just a waste of words. I only wanted to be with Daniel forever, and I didn’t want him to leave.
Kissing him was something I’d only dreamed of doing until that day, but I came to find that a kiss means nothing when you don’t know how the other person really feels about you.
Months passed slowly. Weeks were long and that Summer was the most repetitious of my entire life. When it had been one year, I could hardly believe it. We’d write still, writing letters up to ten pages long. Every time I saw my name on a letter with his handwriting I couldn’t help but open it immediately and reread it over and over.
I’d often go to the waterfall, and I’d wade my hand into the water. At night, when no one else was there I’d swim for a brief amount of time, just like we used to do. I could never look at a blue flower the same way, and with every letter, he would always ask me what I was that day. I’d respond, and in his next letter he would respond by questioning everything about it, all in one paragraph.
Sunrise to sunset I awaited impatiently for him to come back. I missed watching the stars and counting them, I missed the lengthy conversations, and mostly, I wished I could kiss him once more.
Sometimes, during the past months I would spend some time with Daniel’s grandparents. They enjoyed my company as much as I liked to visit with them. We could laugh for hours talking about him. Each day I became more proud of him. I was going to be honored to have him back and I was going to be so very, very happy of his decision. When I got a phone call from his grandmother asking me if I could come over for a while it was just a friendly call, meaning that she wanted my company.
I’d gotten right into my car and I drove over. After the short drive I was there, and I found his grandmother sitting on the rocking chair as I came in, knitting together what looked like a blanket. Her eyes were clouded over in tears, and I knew exactly what was wrong immediately.
“Oh no,” I panted, sinking down onto the sofa. She only shook her head as another tear came down her cheek. My heart was crushed into a puzzle that would take much time to repair, and I bit the inside of my cheek, dying inside already.
“Darling…” she said, looking up at me. “I know. I know.”
Nobody needed to tell me what had happened. I already knew. She didn’t need to tell me that Dan was a great boy, that he was going to be someone big one day. I knew that as well.
Never again were we going to take a midnight walk. Never again would he ask me what I wished to be, and never again would we visit the Falls together, and laugh for priceless hours. Never would I get the chance to confide to him all my love.
“I only called you over here to give you this. Don’t read it until you’re ready, but they told me that they found it in his pocket when they found him.” She held out a piece of notebook paper to me, her hand shaking as she handed it to me. I nodded my head, and I sensed she wanted to be alone. I left, and in the car my vision became so blurry, and the lump in my throat became so huge that I was afraid that I couldn’t do anything.
Late that night my dad came to my rescue, when he showed up to drive me home since I wasn’t capable of doing it myself. I wasn’t in hysterics, I was just shedding tears wildly. It was almost peaceful, but I still felt like a part of my heart left me, and it was never going to be restored. It was plainly and mostly just sad, impossible, and surreal.
Morning, after a sleepless night, I took the letter with me to the bottom of the waterfall. I shook as I unfolded it, and I took a deep breath.
Ells,
If you get this letter, then it’s because I’m gone. I write this quickly, with a fear in my veins. Rumor has gotten out that some of the Iraqi troops are heading this way, and we have to get out of here. We’re hiding right now, but I needed to write to you one last time. If I lived through this, this letter would have been torn and swallowed by me.
I want you to know something, Ellie. I love you, but I’ve always been terrified to tell you. I didn’t know if you felt the same, and until you kissed me I had no idea that not telling you was cowardly of me. I swear to this day that I’ve never felt such joy in my life, and I wanted to tell you right then but I wasn’t sure if it was an instinct of yours or if it was real. By the way you blush every time I speak to you and by the way you always seemed so happy when you were with me, I’m almost positive that you love me too though. I love you, Ellie, you know I do. I want you to never doubt that I did, because the evidence is right here. You’re the girl I’ve always wanted to spend my whole life with.
I’m not afraid of death, Ellie, but I’m sure that it’s going to happen. I’m just afraid of you, and I never want you to stop being you. I want you to always remember me, and I want you to always remember what I want you to be. Think back on me from time to time and if this place called heaven really does exist, then I will be at the gates waiting for you there. Go to the waterfall sometimes, and know that if I could, I would be there with you.
Be someone, Ellie. Be somebody I couldn’t be.
Love,
Daniel
A smile escaped from me as another tear rolled down my cheek. A simple letter explained everything. Our kiss was of every wonderful thing, and it happened because we both loved each other and we were just too scared to admit it. He loved me as much as I loved him. It was a kiss from heaven, from paradise, and it happened in my eternal paradise. My Eden.
Dear Daniel,
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