The love that was never return

i don't really know how to describe it.

 There was once a girl I always dreamt about. She was wonderful in every way. She knew how to make me smile and laugh and she knew what made me feel sad and alone- but we will always remain friends. We can never be anything more, but we can always be something less. Her name… she didn't have a name, and if she did, she would never tell me.

   We could never be alone together because that was forbidden. We had to be with other people in order to hang out no matter what we've done together. That was our relationship, the relationship I couldn't handle, not with the feelings I have for her. She was always in my dreams. I saw her wherever I went no matter where it was. I could be walking home and I’d still see her. She lived in a different part of town.

   She lived where I never dare to go. And if I do, i know i can’t return with what i want. I knew this, yet I still went to her part of town, but not to see her. I never even asked where she lived, and even if I did, she would never have told me. Where I did go however, was past her part of town, deeper into where i knew she lived. I would be with my friends, just pleading with them. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be with her. Like me, they didn’t have the answer. Finally I realized for myself why we couldn’t be together. We can never be more then friends because we happen to both be girls. In this world, no one gender can date the same sex, it’s forbidden and I, nor others in this world will ever understand why. We just know we can only be friends nothing more, but always less.  So with this strange law we cannot even kiss our mothers and grandmothers good bye, not even if you are just a small child. But yet in the shadows of the night, we find ourselves breaking this law and doing what we feel is right. 

Yet not her nor I have ever done such things in the dead of night. At this time I was scared to know her anymore then I already did, I was scared of falling in love with her.

    When I first met her, it was at a place that few people know about. It was a place where our kind can be ourselves. It was a night I’ll never forget. The night I met my nameless girl. I saw her standing there with a look of confusion in her eyes. It seemed to me that she didn’t know if she should be there or not, but I just had to approach her and say “hi”. At first she seemed scared to talk to me, but after a few minutes she began to come out of her shell, this is when our friendship began. Then I asked for her number, and later her Facebook. The more we talked the more we began to like each other and before I could even see it coming, I fell in love with her. After I realized what was happening, I forced myself to pull away from her. I stopped talking to her the way I used to and I grew cold towards her in an attempt to stop a relationship from blossoming.  

     After a few weeks of this behavior, she came to me demanding an explanation for why I’ve been so distant.  I try to think of a way to tell her, but instead I just can’t help but walk away. She approaches me again, still curious as to why I’ve been acting the way I have been. I look away from her and begin to walk quickly, I almost start to run. She tries to catch up with me but she just cant. I run into a dark alley and I can’t help crying. I asked myself, ‘Why does this have to happen to me?’ A few hours later I walk out of the alley and I notice it’s dark outside. I wander around, hoping to see her again, but I don’t.  I walk aimlessly through the darkness, allowing myself to be consumed by it. I fall to my knees and look up into the star filled sky, just wondering why can’t I be with her. We both love each other isn’t that all right? Rain, rain fell I know that meant no. Tears begin to fell again and I can’t help but cry out in pain.

  Then everything went black. I wake up in a place I never been before. Then I hear a voice. It’s a man voices. He comes through the door and smiles.” So your awake”, I just nod. He comes closer, and then another voice is heard. This time I know who it is. It’s her. She was standing in the doorway looking straight through me, then she walked away, she was gone, before I could even comprehend that she was there in the first place. All I could do was let my head fall into my hands and hold back the tears. I began walking towards the door, but before I could reach it, the man stopped me. 

“I don’t think you should leave just yet, you may have a concussion. Relax, sit back down until I check you out and see if everything’s alright. Just wait there one second, I’ll be right back.”

I do as I’m told and I sit back down, staring into space. I was wondering why I was here, here where she lives, and why this man was taking care of me. I felt guilty, like I shouldn’t be here. I considered trying to escape, running away somehow. Then I heard him walking back into the room, kicking me straight out of my daydream and back into the reality of the situation. He begins to inspect my head for any sign of a concussion. 

He stepped back from me, smiling and looking satisfied.

“You’re just fine, you can go whenever you’re ready.”  

As soon as he gave me the all clear, I immediately started making my way out. But just as I had the door slightly ajar, she grabbed my hand from the other side before I had the chance to even realize she was there. She began running towards the stairs, and with incredible force, dragged me along with her. My mind was spinning from the short run and all I heard was a door closing behind us. I look around my surroundings and realize that we’re in her bedroom. I noticed her bed with its pink pillowcase and comforter, that made me laugh as she never struck me as the kind of girl that would have a pink bedroom. I imagined her drifting off to sleep there every night. There were shelves full of her books, comics and a few stuffed animals, including a small toy bunny. It looked as though it could have been violet once, but as it aged it had now faded to a light shade of lilac. It wore a defeated expression on its face, the same face all old toys seem to have. For some reason it really made me smile. I guess because it caused me to picture her loving it like a best friend when she was still a small child. There was also a wooden dresser which I imagined contained her clothing, flawless, like everything else about her. Being there in her room felt like I might as well have been back in my own room, it wasn’t all that different from mine. It made me feel the same way, safe and comforted, calm and at ease. After the soothing thoughts I had whilst I was looking around at her things, realizing that I was there with her, and the reality of the conversation that comes next was the exact thing to put a damper on my mood. But the fact that she dragged me up here to be alone means something more than the silence we’re standing in. But the silence doesn’t last long. She starts to talk, at first quite softly, she seemed nervous, but then her voice became loud and fast. I tried to stop her, I tried to calm her down, but I can’t. The only thing on my mind is how I can stop myself from kissing her. In my head I don’t want to kiss her, but my body seems to act all on its own. Our lips touch. Her lips are soft. Then our tough’s slip into each other and our kiss became more passionate. When we pull away from each other we were looking into each other eyes, without saying a word we knew what would happen now. Once again she started to talk again but not low or fast but a whispers into my eye.

 “ I love you Alex”

“I love you too, Rose”

  After we said those words to each other our world change. We begin to date each other in secret. We still had out boyfriends but did nothing with them. We would always hang out at night and at parties with other people just like us. 

“ Alex can I ask you something?”

 “Sure you can Rose.”

“How did you know you where different from everyone else and that you knew that you like girls or came to that?”

  It took me a while to think of an answer for that question.

“ I don’t know, I mean, I’ve always like girls for as long as I can remember and up in till a few years ago I fully understood myself and realize it, I ask myself how and why, but then after that I said to myself who should care I am myself and I will be myself and no one can change that.”

  “She just looks at smile and me.”

“You got guts to say that.”

“Really? What about you, how did you know all of this?”

 It took her a while to answer that question too.

 “It the same as you but different in some ways.”

“ How is it different in some way?”

“Its different in some ways because I was scare to realize it for myself in then when I saw you the night we met that feeling went away but I was still scare because I didn’t know if you would like me but I now know that you like me.”

 ‘Really I thought you didn’t like me but I wanted to talk to you anyway.”

“Really?”

“ Yes, really Rose.”

 After those words our lips lock once again. With more passion, with that kiss, all that we had been feeling since the day we met all came out at once. With that we finally get to say I love you with our bodies in a way that only we can.

Author's Note

my first. hope you like it.