why me

just something i wrote up

As the sun began to set the night skies slowly became polluted by stars. I began to wonder why I was alone in a field full of fireflies. Today seem to go by in a flash. All that I really felt now was something stirring in my head. It felt like I was rushing back into the past wishing I had done things differently than I did now. I wish I hadn’t opened my month, I wish I didn’t say that I was in love with the most popular girl in school.  All I felt now wanted to be left alone from the world.

Then I realize I had to come back into reality, to the reality that seems to be the wake of my demise.  As I walked home, I dare not step into the lights of the streetlamps or past the blaring windows of the passing shops that lied before me. I didn’t want anyone to see my face. I try to stay within the shadows as best as I can but it failed every time a car light hit me.

I wish I can take it all back. My feelings for her, the confessing I said to her. The looks I gave her to this very moment in time. I blame myself for falling in love with a straight girl. I hated myself for it. I wonder what possess me to fall deeply in love with her.

All these thoughts were running through my head as I walked home from the field. I wonder what would happen at school when Monday came around.  Would I be label as a dkye if the news were to spread as a rapid new plague? Or would I still be the farmer’s kids that people like? Or am I reacting to all of this wrong? Or maybe this is all just a nightmare that I’m having and I still haven’t woken up yet?

  But I realize that is was reality and not some nightmare that I was going to wake up from. I now hated life and I hoop that this new would spread. Slowly reaching my house I began to feel like the weight of the world was crashing all around me. The more weight I felt the closer I got home. How was I going to tell me parents that daughter is gay? How will they react to this assurer of news from me, will they take it okay or will the go beyond mad and disowned me? What if they don’t find out why if I am playing some kind a sick joke one them. I don’t know how to feel about this. Feels like I am losing my mind over something I shouldn’t because this is the 21st century right. Will they take me who I am? Or will I not tell them?

  I won’t tell me they won’t know that I’m gay. Maybe everyone will just think that I was to waste to the point that I was just crazy. I hope they believe that I was. I don’t want people to know about me being gay, I don’t know if I am gay. I have admired beauty of other girls. Isn’t that what we do? I never through that I would be this attracted to a girl before.

  All these thoughts and possible events play throughout my head but then suddenly stop as I find myself in front of my door just standing there blankly into what seem like a deep surreal reality. I pull out my key in a wavy state and open my door. I stumble inside as I made my way to the stairs. I make it to my room. It was cover in shadows of darkness that plague me.

Spuriously I felt comfort in the shadows of darkness that cover my room. It felt safe and away from the world outside of these four walls that surrounded me. As I find my way through the darkness I fell into my bed. It felt as if all the confusing I was feeling skimpily vanishes from within me and I felt myself fall into a deep sleep feeling nothing but the covers hugging me.

  The next morning I felt the warm sun shine on me there the slightly open cartons. The warmth felt good on my skin. Then I soon remember the wake of my fate. For the pleading doom of how I felt for another girl and how she and the rest of the school would feel.

  Luckily I didn’t have to face that till tomorrow morning. All I could do today was feel the sun on my skin and pretend to be normal for another day. As the day goes by I replay the events that led up to my confession. At first it all seems to be hazy and dull from what I can remember. Soon it started getting clearer as I began to relax myself.

  As the memories flow to my mind I saw how I acted that night as if I was watching a drama lesbian movie. It started out when I picked up my first drink of the day. I was a shot of vodka with my friends. Then the party started moving into full swing as we all drank and danced more. Then someone brought drugs and weed. My drug of choice for the night was MDMA and weed. From what I can remember I didn’t confuse my feelings yet to her.

  As the party prolong into the night I started to get more drunk and high. Then I made my way to some people that I knew. I made my way to Sami, Alex and Izzy. As I made my way to them I spotted Ashley (the girl I like) I stumble into her. I was too drunk to say anything but laugh. As I made my way to my friends I felt something coming towards me, as I stop to turn I felt an arm swing over my shoulder.

When I turn to look I saw Danny smile a dorky smile. I smile back and we walked towards my friends. The night was filled with drinks, drugs and laughing. The drugs in my system started to wear off by 1:00 a.m.  And I told my friends that I was going to walk home. As I made my way outside the wind blow a gentle breeze around me. I felt like the dizziness was starting to go away till I heard a voice.

That voice was Ashley’s. She was singing softly to herself as she gazes up into the star fill sky. I walked over to her to and ask what she was singing. She blushes to be catch singing, the song reminded me of an old tale my great grandmother would sing to my mother as a child. She smiled to herself at the thought of this old tale as we remember what our parents singing this.

I decide to sit next to her as she continue to tell me what the song she sang even I knew the tale myself, but what the song meant to her. It was a tale that was in a way but yet seem calming in another way. I told her how this made me feel she just smile her bright charming smile at me. Then someone came to us passing around the drug of choice and handed me the MDMA we both took it. Then all of a sudden I have this strong feeling in my gut and a sharp pain in my heart all at the sametime.Then I started to feel all of these emotions for Ashley. I told myself I always had them just never this strong through, it was weird for me to think of this nut then again maybe it was the drugs kicking in to their full effort. Then I feel my month moving and hearing words come out of them. "I love you Ashley" I heard myself say, then my body began to move on its own as I placed my hand on hers. I looked into her eyes and lean in. as I did o saw her lean in as way. All these thoughts were racing through my head then finally our lips met. Her lips were so soft and tasted of strawberry favor vodka mixed in with some gin.               

  As I pulled away I see her cheeks get a bright shade of pink. She places a hand on my cheek and pulls me back into a kiss. Then we heard something we broke away and saw what was coming. It was her boyfriend nick. She pulled away from and ran into his arms. She looked back at me and laugh and said called me a lesbian. I laugh and said what no I’m not it’s the MDMA taking full effort. And we just laughed so more. But then they started telling more people so I took more MDMA in front of people. By the time I started walking home from that everything began to clear up the fog in my head.

  Then that’s when the dread and despair of my emotions began to hunt me in such a short amount of time. I never imagine that I would end up regenting those very moments of my life, yet I felt joy for what I have done. At this moment I find some joy that truly made me happy. Then reality slaps me in the face when I heard my mother call me for breakfast. I felt a wave nastsuria wash over me. I felt as if all my cells betrayed me into feeling this sick. As I went downstairs part of me believe that my parents could see the homosexuality in me. I as felt this rush of anxiety I thought I was going to lose it.

 As I sat at the table my nerves started to get to me and I felt my body turn into something that I can only picture as a black-hole. Then these feelings just vanish. I realize that my parents couldn’t see through the outer texture of my body to see the inner battle that lies within. So I told myself to stop worrying.

   After my almost morning breakdown I began to wonder how my day would be. It was Sunday so I didn't have many options for my day. I don’t go to church, and don’t leave much. So I decided to lie in my bed and read all day. First I pick up a D.C. comic.  I love D.C.; I love the teen titans, the flash and the green lantern.  I had some new issues so I read them all. By the time I was finish reading it was already 2p.m. part of me told me to stay in bed and the other part told me to go and explore this world of ours. I felt confuse by the complex feelings I have. Then something came to mind, I thought for a moment, just a millisecond that I should let myself be happy with this feeling that I felt for this girl.

As I thought and felt, my heart ache then lifted me off my feet to something that I never felt before, not with no one else at less. I felt bliss, simple joy in knowing the fact that I can love something, someone with so much passion and strength that I was now up in the sky leaving our planet. It felt like I was a star in our vase glazay of stars. I was just merely brushing the surface of my feeling till I came crashing back down to our world. To realize I couldn’t live the way I wanted to not with the girl I love since the first time we met.

It took me a moment to take in all of these feelings in to myself. It felt wonderful to know what love is. Then in all the moments that I could enjoy these feelings they just went in disappear. I felt that my world had suddenly gone dark. As if my life wasn’t at the edge of the world, this was going to send me over. I felt my world crumbling from beneath me that I feel the weight of everything that I feel sick. I realize that the feelings I have for Ashley will never be return, these feelings will be the utter destruction to me as I walk down over the edge of what I am feeling. With this I take my leave from this reality and travel deep into the realm of “endless sleep” or “endless dreams”.  Also known as sleep.