An Open Letter to the First Boy who Made Me Realize I Can Be Loved.

he was only my love interest for some time, but that time gave me lessons that will last a lifetime.

We happened out of nowhere. I honestly am still not entirely sure how it happened. But for those who don’t know, here’s the story: In the beginning of my first semester at college, my roommate found a boy online who was in my major and told me to add him on snapchat because he was cute. So I did, and the next day I found out said boy was in my computer class. I ran back to the dorms after class, telling my roommate that he is so much cuter in person. This boy and I began having short conversations over snapchat, and I was starting to realize I had a little crush on him. I went home for fall break, and when I say my friends from high school I told them about how there was this cute boy in my major who I talk to on snapchat but who was too afraid to talk to me in person. The next day, he gave me his number, and we talked all of fall break. When we got back from fall break, he skipped class to hang out with me, and we were inseparable. A few days later, we had a heart-to-heart outside of my dorm building, telling each other things that we don’t like other people knowing about ourselves. When I got back to my room that night, he sent me a text confessing that he had feelings for me, so I told him that I felt the same. I was so happy, I never knew I could be so happy from a boy. Then, I went over to his room one night and stayed over, and I told him that I wanted to kiss him. He responded with a calm, “then do it.” That night was one of my favorite nights at college so far. We spent the weekend together, and we even went to a party together. Whatever we were, it was a nice week-week and a half. But then, he confessed that he didn’t think he was ready for a relationship, which crushed me. To this day, I still question whether or not he had feelings for me, but I respect that he shut it down before anything serious could happen.

Although this never worked out the way I wanted it to, I am glad it happened. I finally know what it feels like to have feelings for someone, and have them feel the same way. I now know how it feels to fall asleep next to someone you could only dream about waking up next to. I know how it feels to wake up early in the morning and seeing someone you feel so strongly attracted to fast asleep, more beautiful than they could ever realize. I’ve learned so much from this short fling, and I learned a ton about myself. I learned that it is possible for someone to have feelings for me, and want to do something about it. I have always believed that no one would ever be interested in me, and now I see that it is not true. Since then, I have had other boys tell me they have feelings for me and it is honestly a hard thing for me to wrap my head around. I can’t imagine anyone seriously having feelings for me, and I don’t know how to deal with it. Another thing I learned is that I am terrified of love- falling in love, and being in love. I have always known I was afraid of it, but now I honestly think I have a love phobia (philophobia, incase anyone doesn’t think this is a real thing). I am absolutely terrified of being in love, someone being in love with me, and being emotionally attached to someone. This shows me that right now in my life, I am not ready for the emotional part of a relationship. I cannot handle that until I am fully stable, or at least much more stable than I am right now. After working on myself, I will finally be able to afford to be emotionally invested in someone. Until then, I still have a lot to learn

To the boy who made me realize that one day, love will be a possibility for me.