An Open Letter to the Person I Don't Know Anymore.

it sucks that i can't even look at you anymore.

You were my best friend. My person. My soulmate. In a friend version. We were supposed to be friends until death, and maybe even after that. You were my reason to stay alive, to continue to be. You helped me with my self-harm, with my depression, with my anxiety, with my eating disorder. You were there for me when no one else was. And just like that, you left.

You leaving was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to go through in my life thus far. I felt the wind knock out of my lungs, my spirit leave my soul, and what good parts I found in myself through you, vanished. My whole world came tumbling down. I was crushed. Devastated. I couldn't function. The void was too large for me to deal with. I didn't know how to live without you. You broke me, destroyed me, and you didn't even care.

The worst part is, I believed every lie you told me. "I am never going to leave you." "I am so much happier when I am with you." "I will never ignore you again." "I don't want to hurt you." "You are my best friend." "No one comes before you." "When you're sad, I'm sad." "I care about you." and the worst of them all, "I love you."

The sad thing is, I can't even count all the lies. Those are just the ones I heard most frequently. Some of the lies that hurt the most though, is when you lied to me about your relationship with him, and when you would cancel our plans to be with him. That was when I started to realize I meant nothing to you.

One of the lies that pisses me off the most is that you promised, promised, that we would talk either over the phone or face to face. And guess what!!! Never once did. All I wanted to do was relieve myself, and you too, of some stress. But you can't take one second to think of anyone but yourself. 

You put me through all this s**t, and so much more, and you know what? I hate you. I hate you for what you did to me. I hate you for how you treated me. I hate you for every negative thing you caused in my life. I hate how you made me feel like I was the bad guy, like it was all my fault. I hate how I find myself googling emotional abuse because I can't tell if that's part of what happened in our friendship. But most of all, I hate that I still love you. That I still need you. That I still want my best friend back. Because I know you will never, ever, be there again. 

But, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I stumbled upon your picture and though about all the things you've taught me. So, even though our friendship was nothing but me pushing aside terrible treatment from my so-called best friend, here are some things I am thankful for:

- Thank you for showing me I deserve better.

- Thank you for showing me that I should think long and hard before I trust someone.

- Thank you for showing me that I don't need to be dependent on other people.

- Thank you for showing me that true friends will not treat me the way that you did.

- Thank you for showing me that some people let relationships get between friendships.

- Thank you for showing me that I shouldn't settle for less.

- Thank you for showing me that people who care, will stay. And that not all people who say they care, do. 

I am thankful for these lessons, and so, so many others. Because of you, I may have lost myself for half a year, but now I have renewed myself and I know what I deserve and trust me, I deserve so much more than your s****y friendship.