I Wonder

I Wonder

 

            Did I ever cross your mind?  Over the course of the years, as you thought back on your life, reflected on the things you had done, where you had been, did you ever once think of me and feel just the smallest touch of regret?  Of remorse?  As you lay just on the good side of death a few years ago, did you feel you should confess or make amends?  When news of my suicide attempt and subsequent hospitalization reached you, did you pause and think you might be the smallest bit responsible? 
            Did you ever think of me?  Did you ever wonder how the many lies you told me affected me?  How they rolled around in my head, gaining a voice that screamed at me from within? 

            Did the same voices torment you in the quiet moments?  Lying awake late at night, did you give yourself over to them, taking everything they said as faith?  Hearing repeatedly words like WORTHLESS, DAMAGED, CRAZY, SICK reverberating through your head?
            Did you start to find comfort in these words, somehow falling under their spell until you were numb?  The numbness having taken over, did you then walk like a zombie through your life, watching everyone and everything as if on a movie screen, searching for some sign of understanding, a spark of connection, a moment of clarity?  Did everyone you encounter in your life scare the hell out of you?

            With the voices now a constant hum within your brain, did you start to hate what you had become?  Did you realize what a waste you had made of your life and how truly pointless it was to go on because it would never get any better, there would never be any relief?  That there would never be any happiness in your entire worthless existence? 

            Did you ever wonder what became of me?

            Did you care?

            Did you ever wonder how close you came to killing me?

            I wonder about these things every day, and will until the day I die.  I just wonder if you ever do?