Fragments

Fragments

By

Aimee C. Brick

 

 

            She dreams she is trapped in a computer.  Running in fear as a cursor chases her, threatening to delete her from the screen.

****************************

            Lie still and relax, the doctor tells her as she begins the examination.  She’s flooded with memories and begins to shake and cry as the doctor tells her to relax.  When it’s over, the doctor holds her to her shoulder and rocks back and forth, soothing her with words.  Without telling the doctor anything, she knows that the maternal part of this relative stranger has understood.

****************************

            In the second grade, Brian Link kisses her as they lay on the hill outside the high school during Spring Festival.  Across the street, their parents coach their softball teams on to victory.  They spend all day roaming, thrown together by adults who are too busy to watch them.  After searching through a haystack for a needle, and battling each other with pillows while perched on top of a log, they sprawl out on the soft green ground staring at the sky.  As the clamor continues on the softball field and people mill about in the small valley below them, he hands her a dandelion and leans over and kisses her.  Neither of them knows what to say, so they laugh.

            Ten years later, Brian hardly looks at her except to make fun of her and her “weird” friends.

*****************************

            She watches as the blood bubbles to the surface of her skin, streaking the razor blade with bright red flashes.  The music on her stereo builds to a loud crescendo as she leans her head against the wall and closes her eyes, feeling the words of the singer wash over her.  She knows the singer understands her pain, and he’s gone through it too.

Her gaze falls back down to her arm.  The blood has begun to coagulate and form a long scab against her skin.  She presses her arm against a page in her diary, leaving an inkblot-like stain on the pale yellow page.

Tomorrow she will have another wound to hide from the suspicious eyes of her mother.  She cannot tell her; for fear that her mother will think she’s insane, that when she feels bad, she needs to make a hole, as a way of punishing herself or atoning for her sins.

She has no idea what sins she should atone for at this point in her life.

                        ****************************

She covers the mirrors in her bedroom and bathroom with sheets, refusing to see herself.  At night she prowls the house, searching for signs that someone is trying to break in and hurt her once again.  She vaguely remembers an attack similar to that which she fears, but cannot be too sure because sometimes her mind plays tricks on her.  She creeps into her parents’ bedroom and watches them, feeling as if she is the intruder and no longer belongs there.

The people she calls a family all seem so strange to her, so distant, so alien.  She wonders if the problem lies with her or if it is within them.  She seems them through a distant fog, even when they are only a few feet in front of her.  Their conversations are garbled and far away, as if she were hearing them through water.  They look at her, and she wonders what they see.  Do they see her slowing slipping away, her grip on reality becoming more and more fragile?  Do they think everything is fine?  Can they hear the Voice screaming in her head as she stands there before them? 

******************************

Everyday the Voice beckons to her, taunting her, alerting her to the slightest mistake she may make.  The Voice calls to her incessantly, breaking her will and forcing her to listen to his continual tirade of degradation.  She fears she will never be free of Him unless she were to stick a knife in her head and dig Him out.

******************************

She stands on the stairs and listens to her parents.  Once again, they are discussing her.  “I’m ashamed to go anywhere and be seen with her,” her father says.  “It’s gotten to be that I don’t want people to know that she’s my daughter.”

She quietly retreats up to her room, not really surprised by his sentiment, but hurt all the same. 

To compensate, she makes another hole.  As she carves into her shoulder, the knife slips and stabs her in the chest.  The hole is not deep, but it will leave a permanent scar.  She watches the blood flow down her body and stain her jeans.  She will think of something to explain the stain to her mother.

*****************************

Her friends stare at her as she guzzles down another shot of rum.  She ignores their warnings and continues to drink, wanting to kill the bad feelings inside her.  She feels so alone, despite being surrounded by the people who she allows to think know her best.  Nothing can kill the feelings of worthlessness she has inside her.  Her friends continue to stare.  She wants to grab them all and cry out: “Help me!  I’m drowning and no one seems to care!”

She downs another shot and later throws up in the driveway on her sister’s car as her brother drags her into the house.

*****************************

When she does sleep, in dreams He comes to her, and takes her over and over again.  She wakes up in a cold sweat, never remembering what it was that she has dreamed about.  It’s always the same, and she feels dirty, so gets up and takes a shower.  Her mother knocks on the door and asks why she is taking a shower at three in the morning.  “I thought it was time to get up,” she answers; afraid to tell her mother that she fears she is going insane.

*****************************

Just relax and everything will be all right, the psychologist tells her as she goes under.  She feels herself floating back in time to the days when she was happiest, before the darkness took over her life.

She is happy and free, running in the front yard, skipping with her brother and sisters.  She laughs and squeals as they chase her around the tree her parents planted the year she was born.  It is her tree, having claimed it with initials written in crayon on the smooth gray bark.  She stops and admires her handiwork, going over the letters with her finger.

The sounds of her brother and sisters disappear and she is alone.  The sky has gone gray, the wind grown cold as she searches for her family.  The house seems miles away, growing smaller and smaller as she trudges toward the warm safety of it.

I’ll take you home, He says, appearing before her.  She allows Him to take her hand in His.  Mommy and Daddy had always warned her about going off with strangers, but He’s no stranger—He’s family.  She goes with Him and He promises He will take her to the house after He takes her for a ride in His truck.  Would you like to get some ice cream? He asks.  She nods, knowing that Mommy and Daddy will understand if she’s a little late for dinner.

****************************

When she is in the fifth grade, He takes her and a friend for ice cream.  As they ride in the back of the pickup, He drives them all over town, to places she does not know.  As she looks into the cab of the truck, she sees Him smiling at her in the rearview mirror.  He brings them back home, where she runs to the bathroom and throws up the ice cream.

*****************************

She screams but her cries are muffled as she tries to break free from the cage she is encased in.  It’s happening again, she realizes as she hears voices approaching. Where are Mommy and Daddy?  she wonders.  Where have they gone?  Have they really left me here with Them?

The cover is lifted and for a second she can see light.  He’s there, His brother beside Him, looking into the trees.  From far off, she hears her mother’s laughter, but her mother misses her cries.  He pushes His brother aside and gets into the sleeping bag with her and tells her they’re going to play house.  I’m the daddy, and you’re the mommy, but we’re both too sick to go to work, so we have to stay in bed all day.  He kisses her mouth and puts His arms around her.  The other one waits outside the bag for his turn.  It’s starting again, she thinks as she closes her eyes and tries to wish herself free.

****************************

            She thinks she loves the boy with the sad gray eyes, who tells her all about himself and asks only that she listen and tell him about herself in return.  She gives herself over to him at a party one night, after everyone else has left the apartment.  When it’s over, she cries, not knowing why.  He falls asleep.

****************************

            In the hospital, they tell her to relax as she is put into restraints and wheeled down a long brightly lit hall.  The doctors ask her question after question, wanting to know what would drive her to try to take her own life.  They point the finger at her parents, who in turn blame her friends.  She is mindless, wordless, powerless to explain the fear that lurks within her and everyday threatens to tear her limb from limb, bringing her world crashing down around her.

            They drug her, in an effort to keep her happy.  The side effects make her constipated, sleepless, and hot all the time.  She tries to meditate in order the calm the Voice in her head, but It remains, screaming and crying to get out.  Another pill, twice daily, quiets It only temporarily.

            In therapy, the doctor tells her she has too much anger, and she must learn to contain it.  She calls him an a*****e and tells him to go to hell.  He ignores her, choosing instead to focus on the boy sitting across from her who tried to kill his girlfriend.

            After six weeks, she is released, deemed “cured” by the staff.  The memories continue to flood her mind as she sleeps and gradually she begins to remember it all, what she felt as He and His brother took away her innocence and hope.

****************************

            Her wounds healed, she enters college, where she looks forward to the day when she’ll be on her own and free of the memories.  The pain lessens, never fully disappearing.  She tells herself over and over that she is a survivor, and that is the best thing in the world to be.