Unhappy endings

the bizarre case of unhappiness

As much as she wanted to be a free-spirited individual, unbounded by any fetter, she knew deep down inside that her true self has died, buried and forgotten by the world as she sat in this cold room filled with so much remembrance of her once jovial self.

she had so much aspirations whilst her support was here, it was all in pure illumination and lively when she told her mother about her dreams, they used to sit this, now cold, 1 room apartment with only a single bed, for her sickly mother, and 1 couch for her to sit in and keep her occupied whilst she coughed and raved about the supernatural. Yes, her mother was of poor health and that also manipulated her state of mind non the less she still managed to conversant to her about her aspirations in life, school was her priority but she never finished high school and not only that she has a 7 year old son, in which she cherished at the same height she cherished her sickly mother. Yes she did make mistakes in her lifetime but one does deserve a second chance even so she doesn't regret the birth of her son, she will never slap the hand of God that provided him with such a blessing.

she coughed and raved and spat until she can’t no more as she was frantically calling for help and her young'un  was perplexed at this untimely event, he just stood in the door way and view the entire event with a narrowed view as if the moon was viewing the world.

he watch her mother telephones for help, speaking in an incomprehensible tone which stuttered  amidst the sobs, he just stood there looking at grandma cough and shake with so much vehement then all just went silent.

She just looked at her with sheer despair as she gasp her last breath and her aspiration mimicked death as well.

they took her away, burial awaits her,  and all she was left with was this cold 1 room apartment and 1 couch and her son was nowhere near her as he went to find solace somewhere else and now at this present moment she just sat in this cold room burying her own soul and love for life.   

      

Reviews

[Sesame]

Hello Stanley,

What a said little story this is. It does lack something in structure though, I can't uncover a beginning, middle and ending here. There is no build up, story twist or trigger in here that makes me read on mouth-opened in amazement. Also your sentences are very very long and contain multiple subjects. You. Should. Cut. These. Sentences. Down. A. Bit.

Next to that there are some errors in, most of them in your verb tense.

managed to conversant to her - "converse to her" but rather I would go for "to speak to her"

she can’t no more - "could do so no more"

he just stood in the door way and view the entire event -> "witnessed the entire event"

he watch her mother telephones for help, "..watched...telephone.."

in an incomprehensible tone which stuttered -> "in an incomprehensible stutter"

as she gasp her last breath -> "gasped"

Hope this helps!

Regards, Sesame.

@followsesame on Twitter
www.themagiccave.com

[stanley]

thanks for the feedback, your input will help me to pay much attention to those error, thank you

[Sesame]

You are welcome!