Change Your Mind

 

The wind rushed past my ears, causing all other sounds to go mute. It even washed out the deafening sound of the crashes the ocean was making. My arms seemed to flail out around me, not doing anything of importance. They just seemed to dangle there. I was at the peak of being a feather, right before I could be weighed down to the ground.

            My eyes seemed to burn from the quickness in oxygen pushing into them, and the expulsion of tears running out. The two weren’t mixing too terribly well, but I couldn’t close my eyes to try and stop it. What was passing around me was too much for me to go by without being able to look at it. 

            Finally the ground and I met. A sharp blow was given to my body, and I lost the ability to breathe. I didn’t think that from a fall like that I would feel it hurt me. I held onto myself, rolling onto my back, letting out an unstoppable groan. The hard lump that I landed on top of had caused it to happen. As soon I realized what was going on, I had the need to get up again.

            As I did get up, I had to do it slowly. I thought it would be easy to float to my feet, but it had been a difficult task. My mind was fogging up, and my body was moving around trying to find a sort of footing. After many several steps, my attempt became a success and I stood planted to the ground. I then looked down next to me, watching a body continue its groans. My image was tattered and beat, and the tiredness in his partly opened eyes showed the grief he had gone through. It seemed a shock that so much had been forced upon him, and it was easy to tell why he decided to jump. 

I came in on him, holding him down to his position. He was tossing around; finding it extremely hard to escape my grip. He kept on fighting and then he went limp, giving up the struggle. Finally the eyes met the proximity I was in.

            “What were you thinking?” I said softly, shaking my head in sadness. I half expected him to hear me, and the other half thought he would be too out of it to realize what was happening. He kept looking at me, and a stunned look replaced the eyes of grief in a fast pace.

            “What?” He asked again, too shocked to understand where my question had come from. There was no way he could foresee his own body talking to him.

            “What were you thinking when you wanted to kill yourself?” I asked him again, this time with a specific point.

            “I don’t even know anymore…” He closed his eyes, and moved his lips. When I read them, it looked as if he kept repeating the question I asked. His face was still in a pained expression, which became denser in complexity. “I guess it had to just end.”

            “That just a shame,” I said. His death would lead to no healthy recovery for anyone who cared about him.

            “What’s a shame?” How could he not know? He should know that he killing himself was no answer to his healing. It only would stop the suffering, doing nothing else for him but that.

            “That you would end up killing yourself over this. I thought Chad was there for you when you needed him?”

            “Chad wasn’t a strong enough con to keep myself alive I guess.” I got off of him, and let him calm his thoughts. I soon reached out for him, and he extended his hand. I was glad when we had contact again.

            “Here, let me help you up.” He firmly latched on to me as I got him back on his feet. Before I exchanged any more words, I pulled him in while I had the chance. I wrapped my arms around him, and held on tight. I didn’t want to ever have the chance to lose him again. This time was too close. There might never be another time where I’ll get the chance to push him down before it happened. “Just know that right now, I am one of your cons.”

            “Really?” He choked this question up, and I could hear his breathing become irregular. I had held myself up well enough, but now at this point I was ready to expel the tears as well.

            “Of course, Brent. Always and forever, now.” He rested his face into my shoulder and I did the same. Now that I had him where I wanted him, safe and away from harm, I was not going to lose the moment of connection with him. Right before this had happened, decisions were to be made on who I cared for. Right now, it was clear cut. I knew I was with Brent on this fight that would hover over us. As long as I was there to help him, I knew he would get through it. “Where were you this whole time?”
            “I’ve managed going around the area.”

            “What did you manage on?”
            “Some spare money, and my car.” He slept in his car? Was it really that bad for him? I wished that he wasn’t kicked out, or that he went to Chad’s again. Anything was better than him trying to be on his own.

            “That’s terrible, Brent.”

            “I got by.” I was silent. I didn’t want to say that he almost didn’t get by, but I didn’t want to bring him idea. It was only a stupid thought that came to my mind. “How did you know I was here?” He asked, changing the subject. Did I hint regret in his voice?

            “We always came around here before.”

            “Yes, but not here. How did you know I’d be at the ledge?” He was insisting on know the answer.

            “I guessed.”
            “You guessed?” He said with shock and hurt in his voice.

            “It didn’t sound like we had much time to find you. I figured you wouldn’t be too far from here, and then thought back to when were children-”

            “Just like I did when I thought of coming here.” He considered this thoughtfully, and looked at me again.

            “Luckily we made it just in time. You were just about to jump, and if we hadn’t gotten lost in there we wouldn’t have to have cut it so close.” I tried to explain to him that it was an accident that we didn’t arrive sooner. I didn’t want him to think that saving him was the second option that was decided down to the last second.

            “Wait, we?”
            “Yeah. Chad’s here too.” I looked off into Chad’s direction and Brent did as well. He looked to me and I let go of him, nodding at the same time. Brent continued to smile, and went to Chad.

            I watched as they hugged each other. Their embrace was tight, and they rested on each other. It was the same scene Chad had watched Brent and I partake in, except this time he was included. It wasn’t surprising that I found them to fit together, and that I could see them with each other later on down the road. I understood I had taken their relationship completely out of context. They weren’t all over each other like animals, but they were comforting.

Chad was whispering sentences to Brent, and he listened nodding a few times. They were exchanging a decent hug, some kind words and just a warmth of a friend that was there. I had to accept that Brent would have another like brother. This one wouldn’t be on the same level of romanticism as me and Brent would, so their distance would be closer, but it was the same idea.

They parted, and walked towards me, hand in hand. That would take getting used to, but still nothing I couldn’t handle. Brent was leaning on his shoulder as they walked, still talking to him. Brent was looking down at the ground, taking it in. I looked to Chad, and as soon as I caught his vision, I silently asked if he was okay. Chad nodded to me, and mouthed back, ‘don’t worry.’

“What will you do now?” I asked my brother. He looked at me with uncertainty.

“I don’t know what I can do.”

“Well, we can rest. That’s something you defiantly need, since you’ve been gone.” I tried to think up more things to suggest. “You could go back home…”

“Are you insane? I can not go back there.” Chad held onto Brent a little snugger. He was rubbing Brent’s arm, trying to get him to not explode again. I didn’t want to push many of his buttons either, since we were still not that far from the ledge.

“You probably can. We’ll just talk to mom and dad-“I tried to assure him, but I needed to convince myself first that this was going to happen. I could see why Brent didn’t think my parents would be easy to sway, and I couldn’t blame his points.

“They won’t listen. They didn’t listen before, so they wouldn’t hear me out now, no matter what I try to do.”

“I could talk to them. I could explain to them how it’s different for you.” This was something that could show promise in him making it through living in that house. He would only have to do it for about a year and a half anyways.

“If you do that, they’ll kick you out as well. It’ll be a guilty by association clause.”

“Then what can we do? If we can’t go home, or find a place on our own, what will happen?” Chad looked at both of us, and looked far off in a gaze. He was thinking about it, just like we were.

“You could stay with me, for the time being. We could work out a deal with my mom for rent, and things like that...” Chad suggested to mainly me.

“Wouldn’t we put you out?”

“Not at all. We’ve got plenty of room in our house.” Brent nodded to this, and I thought it over. It sounded like a good deal, since it had provided us with a roof over our heads. For how long would we be allowed to stay?”

            “As long as you needed to, trust me. It’d be okay, as long as you’re okay.” I nodded, and thanked him. He reached out a hand towards me, and I graciously took it. I pulled him in, and gave him a friendly hug. He was caught off guard for a moment, but returned the hug soon enough.

            “Let’s get out of here before we freeze,” I told them, noticing the Sun had fully disappeared. There was no more warmth left in the air except for our breaths, and our body heat barely touching each other. I ran to the car Brent took, taking the keys out of the car. “Here Chad.”

            Chad stopped in front of the passenger door of my car, and turned to me. I passed him the keys as he walked towards me.

            “You should probably drive, I don’t know if Brent should be going through that mysterious tunnel.”

            “Okay. I’ll be careful.”

“Oh, and when we reach the neighborhood, go to your house. We’ll catch up.” 

“Okay.” I thanked him, and pulled Brent towards my car instead of the one he took. 

“Where are we going?” He asked me. I had begun to get into the car as soon as I unlocked it.

“I’ll tell you when you get in the car,” I turned it on to get some heat circulating in the vehicle. He got in, ready to hear what I had to say. I headed towards the forest, and Chad started to follow me. “We’re going to go home really quick.”

“Wait, what? Why? I just told you-“

“We just need to grab our things, if we are really not going back.” He looked down, and I turned my head slightly to see him in my peripheral vision. He was mulling over the idea and then accepted it. “It won’t take long. We should only be there to grab what we need. If you think about that now, it won’t take long at all.”

“Okay,” he told me. He looked out the window, resting his head against the glass. I wasn’t ready to leave the place I had called home all my life. A thirty minute ride couldn’t prepare me to want to leave the house I loved. It was such a sudden choice on handling it.

When we first pulled up, we saw that their car was still gone. They must have still been eating, or were soon finishing up. Either way we would have to hurry if we didn’t want to face them. My mother wouldn’t be a problem, I could stand her, but there wasn’t any way I could face my father again. We both ran to our room, and began pulling out clothes we needed. Brent used the half filled bag he had the last two times he was going to go with his things.

I had to find a new bag, but didn’t want to waste time trying to find a proper sized one. I threw my school things inside the bag, trying to make sure I didn’t miss anything I needed. We both packed our clothes by throwing random pieces of fabric into each of our mixes of personal belongings, since we could always sort that out later. I tried to grab anything that we could end up keeping, but was limited to size. Anything from books to music, we grabbed all that would fit inside.

“You ready?” He asked me, as I took one last look around our room. I nodded, not being able to speak.  I thought if I did, it wouldn’t have come out right anyways, or that I would try to stop us from leaving. It didn’t seem like we had another choice that would make sense, because if we stayed here we would be forced out soon enough. Doing it this way was the only way where we could come to terms with it on our own.

“What if we left them a note?” I quickly said, as soon as it came to my mind. We could at least give them some notification that we were okay, and that we knew what we were doing.

“Do you want to write it, or should I?” He asked. I doubted he wanted to write it, because I felt the same way. I decided to take charge and write it, since it would be harder for him to do. I took out a piece of paper and a pen from my bag and placed it on my desk. I began writing anything that would come to mind. I didn’t have time to make it formal or sweet, I just wanted it done before I edited any of it.

I took the pen, leaving the sheet in front of the computer. We walked down the stairs, and Brent exited the door, heading towards the car. I hung up the keys I had to his house next to me, leaving them there alone to not be touched by the original owner ever again. I shut the door behind me walking on the pavement to my car. I got in and started it up again, feeling the cool air inside hit me. It woke me up, and being more aware of what I was doing, I couldn’t change my mind.

My parents would come home to find their sons’ room half empty. What they’ll do with the rest of the things we left behind, I don’t know. The shock of our departure should be enough for them to not want to mess with anything. Of course they would at least rummage through it if they did anything. They would easily find the note sitting in the open, and know that I had written it, even if I signed it to both of us. As soon as they would read it, they would understand what was going on, even though they wouldn’t necessarily realize why we felt like it was the only option. I’m sure as soon as they began reading it they would be able to make guesses. As soon as they picked it up, they would read:

Mom and Dad,

            Me and Brent love you, but we had to leave. We will be safe, and will be staying with someone else that we know. Don’t worry about us, hopefully you wouldn’t be phased by it anyways.

            Brent knew that he couldn’t live here. After what happened to him, he felt unwelcomed and tried to find a way to escape. Thanks to the way he was treated, he almost tried to finish himself off. Now that I got the chance to think about it, I don’t blame him.

            I don’t think I could stay, though. I don’t think I could convince you enough to accept Brent, like I recently have. If I believe Brent’s fine, and you oppose that view, then it would be too hard to live under your roof. If I was gone with him, we would have a better chance at surviving life by being there for each other. You’ve done all you can and enough is enough. It’s time to let go of you guys. Just forget us if that’s the only way to accept our absence.

          From,

          Jack and Brent