A Stupid Fight

 

Brent was our topic of discussion of today, and instead of worrying about him, I turned it into something we could snicker at. It’s not my fault Brent was what he was anyways, and to mess with him seemed fine. He was no longer my problem. I didn’t have to look after him anymore. Since I was with my friends I could actually feel less upset, and more humorous about the whole situation.

            “So, he told you he likes a guy?” Joe asked, intrigued that he would say such a thing.

            “Yeah, he flat out said it. He sounded so confused too, as if he didn’t know he did.”

            “Did he say who it was?” Ryan wondered.

            “Nope. Better hope it’s not one of us, right? God, that’d be a mess. Unless he liked Peter, I guess.” I chuckled, and I took another bite of my sandwich as the laughter died down. Peter sat there, uninterested in the conversation, but wanting to say something anyways.

            “Jack, shut up.” He said it plainly and forcibly. The other guys gave out “ooo”s towards Peter’s intimidating sentence.

            “What? We’re just having a little fun.”

            “Whatever.”

            “Aw, c’mon Peter. I’m sure my fairy of a brother doesn’t like you.”

            “Ugh!” Peter bellowed, and then left the table. I looked around to the other guys and they shrugged.

            “I don’t know what’s gotten into him,” Ryan said. Joe nodded in agreement.

            “Who needs him? He was just ruining the fun.” We didn’t need Brent to sit at the table with us, and we sure didn’t need Peter if he was going to try and defend him.

            “Yeah,” Joe agreed. “He’s probably mad just because it hits to close to home. Maybe they need to man up a bit more. Then they’d be able to take a little more than a simple joke.”

            “I don’t think they could man up if they tried,” I pointed out. We all laughed at this and we threw in a few more jokes. Most of them were pretty good, but began to die down as we lost ideas over time.

            “I’ll be back. I’m going to get some chips or something.” I walked up the stairs that went straight to the top level, instead of cutting through the middle level to the snack bar. When I stood in line I couldn’t help but look out into the middle ground. It wasn’t too hard to find my brother, who was talking to Peter, at the table in the middle.

Right next to my brother was a boy I couldn’t see the face of.    His head was lowered, so I could only see his black hair, and he was shaking it back and forth. Brent was watching him, and then he looked up. It was a boy I recognized from our grade, but I didn’t quite know his name. I don’t know why he looked familiar either, he was probably some other face I saw in the halls.

By the way him and Brent were sitting next to each other they seemed really close. Too close to just be friends, I mean Brent and Peter were friends, too. They weren’t touching each other shoulder to shoulder. I returned my focus onto the snack bar, since the lady giving the food called me to attention. As I was paying I couldn’t think of it. It bothered me that in one day he had already found a boy toy. Unless, he had the boy toy for a while and decided to not tell me.

Yet another secret recently revealed by the great Brentinski himself. When I had looked again, they were leaving the commons. They were headed to the main stairwell which led to the math, science, and history hallways, as well as the library. Brent and the boy were still standing close to each other, proving to me that they were a thing. I just didn’t know how he had pulled it off without me knowing until today.

I returned to my class as well, not bothering to stop by the table with my friends as I had promised. I went the long way, going up the opposite stairwell through the foreign language hallway. I didn’t want to run into the two lovers on my way to class. It would not be a pretty sight if I did, but with luck I got to my class before he could. At least, before I discovered by the bell that he would be skipping the rest of seventh block.

When he didn’t come back at all, I began to wonder what he was doing. He was probably still walking around in the hallway with that match of a freak. They were probably holding hands, and talking about how they should go shop for clothes or something. Maybe even talking about shopping for lingerie, I don’t know. Or maybe they were all over each other, making out as if they wouldn’t come back for air.

Ugh, no! If that was the case then I would have to find them and kill them myself. I wouldn’t want my own reputation ruined because my brother decided to be stupid in a public place. If someone only caught a glimpse of that going on, they’d probably think it was me. That would begin ruining me even further than by association. No, that is not what they’d be doing. It’d be better to go back to the lingerie idea instead. It was definitely more practical and safer to let my mind wander and get comedy out of.

“Jack,” the teacher called on me. I looked up to her scanning the room in front of her desk. “Where is Brent?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? That’s impossible, you guys are always together.”

“Well we’re not right now and I could care less about where my brother is.” I told it to her straight. It didn’t matter if he was out of the school. She got up from behind her desk to walk over to mine. She hovered over me, a sign of a teacher to show their power in the classroom. This power didn’t halt me from what I believed in right now.

“Seriously, where did he go? He left his things here, so he couldn’t be far.” I shrugged. “Give me your phone.”

“What?”

“Give me your phone, please.” I did what she said, and then realized what she was doing. If anyone wasn’t there that day, and it seemed like they were skipping, she would call them. She was probably going to try and call Brent.

She pushed many buttons on my phone before she finally held it to her ear. She returned to her desk and set it on speaker phone so she could work while she called him. Brent didn’t answer, which I could tell disappointed her. For some reason it disappointed me too, and although I didn’t care where he was, I knew I would have found it funny if he was caught with whatever he was doing.

“Come get your phone.” Was she seriously that lazy? I went up, grabbed it and then sat down. “You better tell your brother when you see him how much he’s in trouble.”

I nodded, replacing the word when with if instead. I wasn’t too sure if Brent would actually want to come home tonight, anyways. There wasn’t any chance I would automatically call him either if he didn’t come home. Why would I go looking for the thing I want a break from? I wouldn’t, so I didn’t plan on doing it.

She left me alone for the rest of the block. I listened to music to pass the time away. Plus the added effect made it seem as if no one was around to bother me. I went on to English, still not seeing Brent. As soon as I walked in, Rachel waved, but not as loving as she would have. It was more of a wave of passing, and I didn’t think of any reason why. I sat in front of her, and she gave me a quick kiss of hello.

“Hey,” she said. I returned the hello, and waited for a little bit more of a talk from her.

“How come you’re so quiet?” I asked, after no interruption of silence came.

“Brent was looking for you this morning.”

“Really?” I tried to play it off cool, as if I was curious to know why. I didn’t ask to know, but I guess I wasn’t required too.

“He seemed a bit frantic when he asked for you. It was more of a nervous look, too, as if he was afraid of you.”

“I don’t know why he’s afraid of me.” After all he was what I was avoiding, not the other way around. “I haven’t spoken to him all day.”

“So, you don’t know what’s wrong with him?”

“Why do I keep getting asked that?” I said, aggravated that it seemed to be the phrase for everyone but me today.

“Well, you’re his brother. Why wouldn’t you get asked that?”

“That doesn’t mean I care about him now…” I looked to the front to make a wall between us. It would only be for temporary if she changed the conversation.

“Why, are you guys in a fight?” I didn’t answer, and waited for the bell to ring so the teacher would start class. “Well…?” I turned around, not being able to refrain from answering that question.

“I’m just upset with him.”

“How come?”

“Just… Ask Brent when he decides not to lie anymore. See if that answers your question.” This time I turned around, and planned on being relentless about turning back for the rest of class.   I never needed to block out Rachel until now, so it wasn’t possible for me to do it. In order for me to zone out of a conversation, I have to practice avoiding their voice. Her voice was not something I purposely avoided listening to.

“Jack, this just isn’t you, it isn’t you guys at all. You guys were the closest brothers I’ve ever seen before.”

“Not anymore,” I said. Technically I didn’t face her again, so I didn’t break my plan. I went around the rules.

“What changed it? Nothing like that can happen over night.”

“He’s gay.” The bell rang, and the teacher began our lecture. I could already tell I had been adapted with a new found luck, because today’s lecture seemed like it would take all hour. Rachel didn’t have time to reply back, or at least was drowned out by the bell. Either way I didn’t hear anything come from her direction.

About halfway through class, I think she got tired of waiting because she put a note on my desk. It appeared out of thin air when I looked down from the board. I didn’t want to open it, but the longer it sat there in front of me, the more it was calling to me to look inside.

 

Seriously, is this tantrum over him being gay? Are you really mad at him for it? It really isn’t his fault you know. It’s no one’s fault actually. It happens; you guys have faced way worse than this. You even told me so.

Aren’t you a Christian? Doesn’t it say in the bible that you’re to love everyone? I don’t mean to be nagging you, but it does.

Now, what about Brent? Does he still love you? Yes. He might be afraid to talk to you, but that’s good. He still respects you AND you’re opinion. The best you can do is to leave it alone.

Think about it.

 

            It wasn’t something that showed up like a sickness. It was more or less a disease that slowly built up into who he became. Like one, it wouldn’t go away without a fight. It would take time and struggling, and that’s what I was doing. I was giving him time to set his priorities. It just seemed like the dark haired boy was the parasite in Brent. It was winning.

            I wrote in response to her message…

 

            I’m a Christian, of course. There are boundaries to love. This is one of them. He crossed the line of being a Christian. I mean, why am I getting the love speech? I love the RIGHT people. Man + Woman=Purity.

            As for respect… he doesn’t show it. He kept more than this from me, and this was the only thing he’s told me so far. He probably only told me because Erin knew first. It was all out of fear, not kindness.

            Now, you tell me who the blame goes to.

 

            I passed it back with a smirk on my face beginning to appear. I was right, and I knew she had to think about it before I’d get a decent reply.

            In a few seconds, she returned it. She had written three harsh words:

           

You’re to blame.

 

            I feverishly wrote back. I tried to make a closing argument that would leave her stumped, and that would make sense. When it began, it started out in a stream of conscious form.

            In the middle of my sentence, the paper was swiped by someone in front of me. I expected it to be a nosy student, wanting to get in the way of a private conversation. My pen was still holding pressure down on the paper, causing it to run a line all the way down the page. When I looked up it was Mr. Coleman, with the note in his hand.

            “What is this, you two lovebirds? Note passing in my class? Should I read it out loud?” I looked at Rachel, and she winced.

            “I don’t think you should…” I suggested to him.

            “Nonsense. You write notes in here, I think it’s fair to say that we should hear it.” He looked it over, and began to blush. “Or maybe we shouldn’t…”

            The class snickered, and Mr. Coleman was a pretty sharp man. He caught on to the class’ thoughts. After all it wasn’t hard to deduce that this was high school, and the room was filled with immature teenagers.

            “It does not contain anything inappropriate; it is just something not to be revealed to the class. I’m not that mean about things I hope you two know.” I nodded in agreement while Rachel thanked him. I rolled my eyes to her, and he gave her the note. She kept it in her binder; I’m sure to later read what I had written before. Also, so she could keep it and so I wouldn’t have the teacher read it out loud. She didn’t dare write any more notes and I didn’t have any need to for the rest of the class.

            “I’ll call you later, we need to talk about this,” she said. She was ready to exit the room, throwing her backpack onto her shoulder.

            “Okay.” I began to get up from my seat. There was no kiss exchanged this time, and I was sure my next phone call with her would contain an argument. I was not looking forward to that for tonight. 

            I left as soon as the final bell rung, heading down the music stairwell. I went down the hallway straight ahead, but cut through the band room to outside. Brent could get his own ride; I wasn’t in the mood to take him home. I didn’t think I would have planned on giving him one no matter what happened today. He could get a ride with his boyfriend…

            I tried to be one of the first ones out of the lot, but it seemed like everyone else did, too. Due to the long line in front of me, I sat in my car and waited for the lot to get less crowed. I turned on my stereo, and it began at the ending of the cd that was already in there. I stared off into the sky ahead of me, waiting for the lot to be increasingly vacant.

            I finally escaped, and drove around a bit. I stayed within the area of the school, but kept on driving. A café caught my eye, and I decided to grab a mocha and then go home afterwards. 

            I just needed something to drink that was warm, and would help relax me in some way. As I entered this cafe this as well. The atmosphere was collected and warm, and was nice due to the low amount of noise. People were more busy at their laptops, than to sit around and talk as if they were yelling at each other. As soon as I walked in, I wanted to change my plans of today. I wouldn't mind spending most of the afternoon here.

"How can I help you?" A woman at the counter, whose name tag read Sarah, said. "Would you like to try our new candy cane hot cocoa?"

"No thank you," I politely declined. I wanted the same thing I normally get at coffee shops. "I'll have a white chocolate mocha."

"Okay. That will be three-twenty five." I reached into my pocket to grab my wallet and when I looked up to hand her the amount, I saw the boy working behind the coffee machine. I looked to read his name tag to double check it was the same person. His name tag still read Peter.

I avoided looking at him, and handed the woman exact change so I could go to a table immediately. I didn't want to have to face him, because I knew if he began talking to me, it wouldn't be a good thing. I went to sat down, shaking my head on the way as the woman asked me if I wanted a receipt.

I waited for my name to be called so I could grab my drink, and then leave. When I had to go up there, I waited for Peter's attention to be put elsewhere. Once it was, I went up the the pick-up counter, and grabbed it. As soon as my fingers touched the cup, his back no longer was to me. The smile he had on his face had diminished, and his eyebrows turned into a very distinct V. I could hear the drink in my hand slosh as it shook.

Once Peter's face contained a snarl, the sloshing stopped. I had become firm, and looked at him in the eyes. His expressing gave in a little, but they were still clearly visible. As I had felt my face, I could tell that I was reflecting Peter's expressions back at him. I let my go, but I didn't turn it into a nervous look. I just turned and left the store, keeping my head forward to not look back at him.

"I guess I'm not going back there again," I said aloud to myself in the car. I went home, this time not caring to look at the speedometer to tell if I was too fast or not. Speed could no longer affect my feelings. I only knew that the things around me were a blur, yet they continued to be once I had stopped.

I walked up the hard wood stairs to my room, and threw my backpack onto my bed. I dropped into my chair in front of my computer and played one of my playlists I kept in my media player. I opened the file that I always used to help me think, and set it on random.

I meant to do some work on the computer but I laid back in my chair, staring at the player. I watched as the bar on the bottom moved within every second, and then looked at the song switching. Interestingly enough, it wasn't boring. It wasn't tedious. It was helping me concentrate on my exploding thoughts so that I could focus on each one separately, instead of letting them blend together.

Brent had now gotten himself a boyfriend. He couldn't have just been there for moral support, they were too attached to the hip at lunch. I couldn't believe he kept that from me. They had to have already been dating, there was no way he could hook up with someone the day after what happened last night.  He didn't have the guts to do it after he knew how I felt, nor did he have the nerve to ask someone.

I didn't know where his morality was. He knew how wrong it is to do this, but he continues on. i don't know why I even believed he was a Christian like we were. He had been so deceiving for who knows how long. Did he even plan on telling me last night he had found someone? I didn't know liking someone had now meant, "by the way, I'm dating the guy." I thought that was a separate sentence, with a separate meaning.

I wonder if me and Erin were the only ones who knew before. If he had told Erin, and the boy he was with, there was no way he could have stopped there. I was certain my friends didn't know before I told them, they showed a sincere shock to it. Peter might not have today. He might had already known before, although I couldn't guess why. I knew if Brent was dating him, there would no way to miss it. Peter had to be a friend of consent instead. Leaving me out of a circle that kept getting bigger by each new discovery and theory. It would never end either. It would continue with the answers to questions I didn't ask, and the secrets to the question I did.

I went downstairs to grab a drink. I didn't want to continue analyzing Brent as if he was a new found species. It wouldn't lead me to anywhere, so I just had to get rid of the experiment. As the ice touched my lips, they turned numb, along with my mind. It helped relieve myself of offense and defense, and let me become neutral. It allowed myself to disappear, mentally of course.

I had drunk three or four glasses before I had quenched my thirst, and had gotten rid of most of my overactive mind. As I passed a couple rooms as I headed to the stairwell. I found them empty. Brent had obviously not come home when I was gone. Maybe he couldn't find a ride home...

Or he had decided to spend him time with someone else. I went back to my bed, and wished that the numbness I experienced could have lasted longer. Now I was thinking about Brent being alone with this guy. All these scenarios going through my mind all ended the same. They were happy together, and even worse, they were acting as if they were in love. As if love for them was something that could be possible.

I looked out the revealed window across from my line of sight. I watched as the clouds whisked through the sky, and as my eyes followed a few I slowed them down. I messed with their speed, keeping my boredom away from me. My music still played in the background, and my foot was still moving my body to the heavy, short beats.

Another reflection from a passing vehicle shone into my room, but this one was closer. The light sat there on one of my walls, and it must have come from the driveway. My brother must have finally arrived home. I sat up, putting my support on my elbows. I lifted my head a bit more to see the door of the car open. I moved my elbows out from under me and fell back onto my bed.

It was only my mother coming home from work. I looked to the clock to see why she was here so early, and surprisingly she was actually late. She arrived at around five thirty, meaning I had wasted over two hours by doing nothing but contemplating things. I heard the door shut below me.

"Jack? Brent? You guys here?" She shouted from the stairs.

"I'm here, mom." I shouted back, not getting up from my bed.

"Where's Brent?"

"I don't know. I guess he's with friends." I really didn't know. I had a guess, which didn't mean I was wrong. Who else would give him a ride besides Peter and mystery man.

"Okay. I'm going to start dinner soon. Turn down that music, too!"

"Alright, mom." I got up and lowered the sound from my computer speakers and then returned to lie on my bed. I could then hear her go into the kitchen and begin putting pans onto the counter. A little while after that, I heard the t.v. turn on and begin playing her favorite show's theme song, so I brought the music back to the same volume. This time I sat in the chair, not going back to the bed if I would have to lower the sound again.

I wondered what my parents would think of Brent. I was pretty sure I knew my step-father's view, he made it clear of that. My mother was more kind, though. She had given people more grace than they accounted for. She was a definitely a giver to society.

After Brent telling me, he wouldn't tell them. There was no way he would have the strength to, epically if he had to say it to their faces. They would never find out, but they needed to know. Someone had to help the process so I wouldn't be the only one here to know, and so I wouldn't be alone in trying to change him. That takes more than one person's will power to do that.

If I were to tell them, my mother would be the best to tell. He needed some type of mercy in the beginning, although he wouldn't get more than a bucket load of it. No matter how forgiving my mother was, she can't give too much. She's still a human with views on people's righteousness.

I went downstairs and still found her engrossed into her show. I sat down next to her, pretending to watch it with her. Once a commercial came she lowered the volume to make the t.v. harder to hear or pay attention to.

"How was your day?" She asked, turning her attention to me.

"Good, I guess. It was a lot more overwhelming today."

"At least the day's almost over, right honey?"

"Yeah, that's true."

"Do you want to tell me what happened today?" She asked sweetly. That's when I decided to go in for the plunge.

"Well, it doesn't just focus on me this time. Mom, I need to tell you something about Brent."