Skipping for Safety

            I woke up, still exhausted from the full night’s sleep I experienced. Inside, I felt like shattering. As I sat up in my bed I rubbed my eyes to see clearer. As I looked to my left, I let myself fall back into my bed.

            I stared at the ceiling in disbelief. He had not gotten over it, even though I knew that he couldn’t possibly do that in one night. Still, it would have been nicer if he was to either accept it or go into denial until I plan my next move. He had probably spent the night downstairs to just stay away from me. God, why am I such a screw-up!

            I threw my covers off of me in disgust. I went through my morning routine, as normal. This morning had seemed to last too long of a time then it was suppose to be. Too bad it only seemed that way, it would be better for me not to face him at school. No. I had to face him. To see what he could possibly be thinking about me today.

            I went downstairs, feeling detached as I saw mom sitting there while drinking coffee in a perfectly cozy kitchen. It didn’t fit with me in there. I only interrupted the setting by entering it looking how I did today.

            “Hello mother.” My voice sounded small and insignificant. I hardly expected it to sound any better, and my mom must have assumed sounded that way from me being tired.

            “Hello dear. How are you this morning?” She smoothly set down her coffee as I sat down in s booming slump.

            “I’m okay.” I began enlacing my fingers together, tangling them even more as I messed with them. “Where’s Jack.”

            “Oh, he already left. He said he hadn’t finished his lab for… chemistry? I’m not sure, I hardly heard him when he was on the way out.”

            “He left?” My voice dropped this time landing thickly without warning. I don’t know how he could expect me to at least get to school.

            “Yes, he did.”   She picked up the next section of the morning paper and continued reading.

            “Can you give me a ride?”

            “Sure. Eat your breakfast first.” I resentfully did, afraid that food would cause my stomach to become more upset than it already was.

            After making a breakfast that I had only pushed my fork around in, my mom finally took me to school. As I was about to exit the car, I didn’t want to. I was too afraid to even set foot in that school.

            For some reason the theory of everyone staring at me as I entered the school came into my mind. I trusted Jack, or was sure I did before, but I believed that about Erin. Erin wasn’t even pissed about it because that’s what she does apparently. Jack may very well have the ability to let the school get the message before I even had arrived.

            “Love you honey. Have a good day.” My mom told me, trying to urge me to leave so she could go to work. I wish she knew the half of what my day would be like. Hell, I wish I could expect it as well!
            I opened the door and took a step out. I almost felt like I was falling as I trampled out to regain my balance.

            “Thanks mom.” I bet if she knew as well, she would never utter those words to me again. I held onto that, remembering those three words in the back of my mind, in case anything wrong happened.

            The entrance seemed so much closer than ever, and no matter how slow I walked I eventually got to the door. I could see inside the crowd of people hanging around in the commons. No reaction yet, but they probably are simply unaware of what’s around outside.

            I opened the door and let the warm air flow across my body. I took a few steps in and stood there, ready to leave if I had to. I slowly scanned around me, looking for anyone to gasp and point at my direction. I was surprised that it came as a shock when no one looked at me. I kept walking, going through the crowd to the English stairwell. As I passed by more and more people, I felt safer. I could breathe again. I kept going on, and finally made it across the gigantic space that was now behind me. As soon as I reached the top of the stairs, I stopped.

            I heard the laughter of my friends around the corner. I completely forgot about the blob. We had always called it that, because every morning we all sat in a wide, blob formation that stretched across most of the hallway. No student or teacher seemed to care. I guess it was because it was an every school day tradition.

            This was one of the only days I didn’t want to go to the blob, though. Even though no strangers in this school found out, what about those that Jack and me did know? The only problem was, my class was two feet from the blob. I couldn’t miss he whole class. It was more important to my academics than anything. Maybe I could skip first block. I’m sure I could figure out some excuse if I’m fifteen minutes late. There was traffic on the school road…No, too easy. My mother had a fight with me and made me walk. No, that could be disastrous if my teacher ever called my mom.

            I’ll just walk all the way around the school and end up being a few minutes late, while blaming the lady in the school store. That would have to do. I turned around and took the first set of stairs in the stairwell. As I began to walk down the next set, a voice called me from above.

            “Brent?” I looked up and saw Rachel leaning over the railing. I froze in my step and stared at her.

            “Rachel?” I let out, and knew she wouldn’t hear me.

            “What?” She leaned a little bit over the ledge to hear better than being far from me. She stopped and backed off. “Hold on.”

            I wasn’t quite sure if I should have. My feet remained planted onto the floor, unable to move. Even if I tried, and my brain was already shouting at me to, but it just didn’t happen. A hand patted my arm and I jumped.

            “Whoa there, what’s wrong?”

            “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.” If she had to ask, then Jack would not have told anyone. I couldn’t be positive. She stared at me, letting me know that I was unconvincing. “Honestly… I was just thinking. You scared me.”
            “Okay…” She still didn’t believe me. Her voice had already told me so. I stood there awkwardly, rocking from side to side.

            “Aren’t you going to come up?”

            “I was headed towards my locker really quick.”   Trying to cover up me wanting to go up there, then I curiously and innocently asked, “Is Jack up there yet?”

            “Why? Have you not seen him either?” She sounded confused, and I knew this would be coming. No one would believe that Jack and I could have a fight, especially if the fight was made by him. So, I kept on with his lie.

            “Uh… No, he just left to get here early for a make-up lab.”

            “Oh. We were wondering where you two were. So, are you coming up?”

            “Yeah, I’ll be right up there.”

            “Okay.” She went back upstairs and I went to my locker just down the hall under the English hallway. I opened it, ruffled through my notebooks repeatedly, and then shut it.   I went back up, knowing this time I wouldn’t have anything to fear there.

            “Hey Brent,” Sarah greeted. “Rachel said Jack wasn’t coming to the blob.”

            “Yep. He’s got a lab to do.” This time, being more prepared, the lie came off smoothly. I knew my voice and my facial expressions didn’t match. I still felt miserable, even if Jack hadn’t acted so harshly, yet.

            “When was he gone this week?” Sarah asked me, causing Rachel to look at me as well. They both sat there, waiting for me to reply. All I could do was think of something to say. There wasn’t anyway to reply with an immediate response.

            “He wasn’t. I don’t know why he’s working on it. I guess he didn’t finish it in class?” At least part of that sentence was true.

            “Okay,” Rachel said, then continued her conversation with Sarah. I listened, or at least tried to. They were in their own conversation about some boy Sarah liked and I tried to only watch them. Actually, I had enough things circulating around in my head where I could watch their lips more with no sound coming to my ears.

            The warning bell rang, and we were off to class. I walked Rachel to class, as always, but to the exempt of my brother. Rachel was next door to my own class so it hardly mattered. We didn’t talk too much as we stood in front of her class waiting for the final first bell. Silence was something that seemed to be constantly going on around me.

            It made me feel like a heavy weight by simply anchoring people down. As if I purposely tried to make things around me have a nervous air to it. It was untrue. These moments have showed up from nowhere and had multiplied into something I couldn’t control.

            English wasn’t too exciting. We were reading Huckleberry Finn, a classic that I read twice and kept on my shelf to collect dust. I wasn’t looking forward to it now. Since it allowed my mind to wander during class, it let me do exactly what I tried to avoid.

            My next class, choir, brought a hint of joy to me. The rest was negated by some of the people around me.

            “Are you okay?” They would ask.

            “Do you need someone to talk to?” My friend in my section slipped under his breath.

            “You want a hug?” The alto next to me asked.

            “I’m fine,” I‘d reply, with no enthusiasm. “I’m okay,” I lied. “Not really,” giving a cold shoulder to the world. The same one as I’ve been shown before.

            As time escaped my grasp the last few minutes came to an end. As we began packing up and we sat on the risers waiting for the bell to ring, I wanted to stay in this class longer. No matter how annoyed I was from my classmates, or how angry I felt from singing, this was where I needed to be right now. I belonged here, with people who cared for me. I knew that as soon as I entered my math class, there would be none of those things there. There would be too much obvious tension between Jack and me for anyone to want to get close to us.

            I went to the next class, getting there before the bell rang again. Jack had gotten there a few minutes early as well and was having a conversation with the teacher. The teacher was refusing something that he wanted, but I could see he was pleading her to help him. I went ahead and sat down, watching them talk. The teacher then ended the conversation with a nod and Jack thanked her. 

Another boy came in, Kyle, and the teacher stopped him. She asked him a question and he shrugged. Then he nodded. Jack went to sit down, but not next to me. He sat in the back, on the left row. The farthest spot he could sit from me, while Kyle took a spot next to me.

             I looked at Jack, and he looked at me as well. When the bell rang and he turned his focus to the front, I looked down to my backpack and got out my notebook. I slammed it to the desk, not meaning to do that on purpose. I couldn’t help it.   I was upset once again, and didn’t think he would be so bothered that he couldn’t handle sitting next to me for an hour and a half. I just couldn’t imagine what it would be like when we went home tonight. 

            Math class went by, just as all my other classes had. Jack paid attention to every little detail that the teacher said while I paid attention to nothing at all. I planned on looking the notes up later online, if I did the notes at all.

            The hour finally passed for us to go to lunch. Jack briskly walked out, getting far ahead of me. I just followed with the crowd, getting downstairs eventually. I got my food, and turned out of the line. I looked out at the lunch tables around me and saw Jack at a table at the lower level. He was laughing with most of our friends in the far corner. I looked in the middle level and found an empty table. I sat down, feeling alone and secluded from the laughter and chatter around me.

            “Hey, babe.” Chad sat right next to me. I felt a little bit lighter, knowing he was right there with me. “What’s wrong?”

            “I told him.”

            “Jack?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Already? Last night?”

            “Yes.” I took a bite of my food, trying to fill my mouth so I couldn’t speak.  I chewed slowly while Chad watched me.

            “Well, what happened?” I swallowed my food as soon as he asked, and didn’t feel rude enough to stuff my face again.

            “I told him in our room. He left home and must have slept downstairs. He avoided me all morning, and purposefully sat far from me in math. He doesn’t want to talk to me at all. Not even a nod into my direction.” He scooted closer so I could put my weight onto him. This relationship was still new to us, but he knew being close was the best thing for me. I knew it, too, but I didn’t want to get too close if I could help it. I didn’t want to lose someone else.

            “It’ll be okay. He just needs time.”

            “What if he never understands?”

            “He’ll have to. If he ever wants to keep you, which I wouldn’t know why he shouldn’t, he will have to.”

            I stared at the table, not sure what to say, or what to do. My mind was just blank. For the first time today nothing was moving in my head. It was… peaceful.

            Then Peter came and slammed his lunch onto the table.  He slumped down in a seat a couple of chairs away from us. Chad looked up to him and I followed his lead.

            “What’s up?” Chad asked Peter. Peter looked at him with a dreadful look and crossed arms.

            “I know,” he looked at me. “Erin told me that Jack wasn’t happy about it.”

            “So what’s the big problem?” I asked slowly, still processing this information about Erin. I wish I knew that she’d cause me to dig myself this hole that had made me have no way of getting out of.

            “Well, now he doesn’t care. Now, he’s poking fun at you.”

            I got it. He was probably upset from Jacking letting a crude comment slip in front of Peter. Instead of getting even lower, I began to get upset just like him. If Jack was making fun of me, it showed how much he didn’t get over it. It showed how insecure and immature he had become in the past day that I’ve lost touch with him.

            “What did he say?” Chad asked. Peter glared at him again and shook his head. I rested my hand on Chad’s knee and squeezed it, both for him to not push it and for me to hang onto something. It was the only thing to grip so I wouldn’t explode.

            “I’m sorry.” Chad looked down at his food again. It came to him as well. He couldn’t help but shake his head and I wanted to know what he was thinking. Although, I did have a pretty good guess what it was.

            “It’s fine,” Peter said. He wasn’t assuring that it was, but he didn’t sound upset either. “Anyways, Brent I’m with you. Whatever Jack does to screw with you even more, he’ll just make me walk another step away from him.”

            “Thank you.” I was glad I had another person’s support as well. It helped me feel more upright through it all. I wasn’t as alone as I felt before Chad had came. I wasn’t so lost when Peter got me up to speed. I wasn’t as dumb as when I thought Erin was a friend. I wasn’t so unloved with these two next to me to stick by.

            “What am I going to do now?” I asked either of them, hoping someone had an idea. “I’m going to have to go back to class with that boy.”

            “Seriously?” Chad said, unaware. I nodded and could tell Peter had as well. “You’re not going back to class.”

            “What?”

            “You’re not going sit near him when he’s going to most likely bring up some obnoxious notion. He’s not going to get that chance.”

            “But…” I was lost for words. Did I want to go back?

            “Wait,” Peter said. He was pondering something. “What are you guys doing in class?”

            “We’re just working on homework after lunch. It’s nothing too important.”

            “Okay. Then, how about you just hang out in the library for the rest of the period? You can go back, acting like you’re from another class. Get some work done, or just hang out there. Then you’ll be able to go back to your last class.” It sounded like a good idea, and it would definitely help me avoid any problems with Jack during school hours.

            “What about my things? I would have to go back to class for them,” I pointed out, not really wanting to find a negative side to Peter’s plan.

            “Get it after class.” Chad suggested. “You can just explain the situation to her. Would she understand that sort of thing?”

            “I guess. I’m sure she wouldn’t care that I missed thirty minutes. At least I hope she doesn’t.”

            “Then it’s settled. That’d be the best way to avoid him in my opinion,” Paul said, letting a little bit of pride slip through.

            “It really is a good plan,” Chad encouraged.

            “Yeah, it is,” I agreed. This plan didn’t give me any other choices, and it was a pretty satisfying deal.

            “Do you want me to come with you? I could serve as a distraction,” Chad asked me.

            “No. You don’t have to miss class because of me.” No matter how much I wanted him to come with me; I couldn’t let it affect him so much.

            “It’s not a problem. I know my teacher wouldn’t care. She loves me too much as a student to want to get me into trouble. After we go to your class we can tell my English teacher the same problem. She will understand for sure.”

            “Okay.” I gave in easily, knowing it wouldn’t take very much to change my mind. I didn’t mind the explanations. They would be a lot easier than seeing Jack’s face as he—if he looked at me. Peter watched us converse, and I could tell he wasn’t offended. He wanted to be there for me, and knew Chad would hold the most support as we went through this.

            “The distraction will definitely help you Brent,” Peter said. I began to believe the same thing, although I wasn’t quite sure why.

            I couldn’t think of any work to help distract me when we went to the library. The only thing to do was to talk to Chad, and when I realized this, I was thankful he was skipping just to help me out. I hated being alone, and when it was through a tough time it became more of a fear. I would latch onto my brother even more during my dark times, and before he never rejected the need of his advice. Times are different now.

            We sat in the back for privacy, and laid out a couple of notebooks in front of us. We had to try to make it look like we were working.

            “How long should it take for him to get over it?” I asked him in a hushed tone. We had to be extremely quiet so we couldn’t easily be overheard in the still room.

            “Well, he’s already joking about it, so I’m not sure.”

“You saw Peter. Chad definitely isn’t joking about it in a humorous way.” 

“Maybe it’s not in the best way, but maybe it’s how he copes with it,” he suggested. “I think you should maybe give him a week. Hopefully that’s the longest it will take.”

            “A whole week?” Could I even last that long?

            “Well, given his thoughts on the matter, I think a week is fair. He has to get some kind of grace period.” He had a point.

            I stared out the window that stretched along the side to make a transparent wall. I looked below us to see the courtyard, and to see a group of friends outside for an “extended” lunch. I could tell all of them were friends except two of them. Two teens were sitting next to each other, and one of them offered food to his girlfriend. She accepted, since it was obvious she had no lunch to eat. He seemed to have to convince her to eat, but he did succeed. In return he was awarded a kiss.

            After the kiss they smiled to each other, and sat even closer, with his arm around her. I began to shift in my seat as I watched them, and Chad looked over to see what I was becoming tense about. He didn’t say anything when he looked, so I wasn’t sure that he understood what I was sick of.

            He made it obvious that he did catch on because he scooted closer to me and wrapped a hand around mine. His side was against mine, in a welcoming fashion. He was warm and comfortable, but I had a sense of immorality crawling on my skin as if they were goose bumps. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. 

Once I have what I want, it always crumbles in front of me. No matter how long it’s taken to get there. Now I can’t ever be sure about something, because if I am I’m always missing the mark. I hate giving up, but this may be one of those times I would have to. All these intertwining conflicts is just too much for to handle, with or without someone else. Adding someone else just makes it worse, since you bring in the difficulties of them as well.

“What are you thinking now?” He asked me. I didn’t reply right away, since I couldn’t find an answer to correctly describe what I was feeling. 

            “I’m thinking too much. About Jack, about you, about how screwed up I am…”

            “That’s not true,” he said. He shook his head in agreement with his words. I didn’t believe him, but I couldn’t tell him that. It would somehow come out wrong if I did.

            “Okay,” I said, leaving it at that. Agreeing with him I was sure would end the fatal chance of an argument. “I just don’t know what to do.”

            “I know. I know you don’t. Not very many of us do, but I’m here to help you through it.”

            “Thanks.” This was with sincerity, not just another end to a statement, or thought. He would help me the best he could, and with what I had in my plans, help would be something I could accept.