Being Bottled Up

 

"At least you know she can be trusted," Chad said with a concern that I caught from his voice.

"What’s wrong?"

"I just want you to make sure she can be. Going to other people and telling them things doesn't necessarily mean they can keep it to themselves." I knew what he meant. Secrets are lost all the time, especially in high school, since they end up spreading around so fast.

"I know that we talked about it before. I mean about how I didn't really wanted to have others in school know." Was one talk enough though? I began to doubt her, since Erin is only human.

"Have you kept it well too?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like, are you good at acting up the part of being straight?" He curiously asked.

"Yeah. I know i do, since now its simply a concious effort."

"That helps. I just don't want you to have to fight against it so hard if she decides to use it as blackmail."

"Thanks for looking out for me," I told him, now confident that he was a sweet person. I was shocked that I found some one like him, no matter how hard it was to get where I was today. His worry wasn't over either.

"I think it would be better to tell someone closer to you," he stopped. He expected me to understand, but I signaled him to continue. "Instead of going to a friend, you could have gone to the person who knows you to the core. Your brother." Oh. That's what he was meaning.

"Could I really go to him?"

"Why couldn't you?" He inquired.

"Well... Because he'll be upset, or feel betrayed." I listed the answers reaching out from the back of my head.

"He shouldn't feel that way."

"How do you know?"

"If he finds out from one of your friends, or his friends, he'll feel betrayed, then. He'll feel as if you don't believe that you can trust him. That would total your relationship for the rest of your lives if that were to happen. Besides, you shouldn't keep yourself so bottled up, anyways." Once again he had proven his view pretty well. I had closed myself to everyone but Erin, and most recently Chad. Both were spur of the moment actions and feelings. I hadn’t planned on any of these things to happen so soon.

That was besides the point. They had both found out while Jack still had no clue.

"Well, what about 'what Jack doesn't know won't hurt him?'" I smiled slightly, looking up at him. He looked at me with a serious expression, not wanting to take this that lightly. My smile began to drop to a smile that was caused by trying to hard to not frown. He really was dedicated for me to tell him.

"You don't seem to know what it would feel like if you told him." His shoulders eased up, and his face returned to a more cheerful state. I began to do the same, but I still could feel the knots that were growing on my shoulders from the stress. He was relaxed, and made an expressive tone. "It feels wonderful when you tell a friend, but you'll keep wanting to tell more. It doesn't seem to fully help you, so you think telling more people will. Once your family knows, its a weight off your shoulders. You can get support at school, but when you're at home, you will want the same leverage. That's your motivation in telling them."

He was right, as he had been through this entire conversation. I've been hiding it and it feels like I can never make myself vulnerable. I know if I do then everyone will know that I'm gay, and i keep on thinking that would be the end of me. Home, like Chad said, was different. School didn't matter, since when you're home, you're with the people you will be with for the rest of your life.

"That's very true," I told him. It was all I could say. I couldn't argue with his logic, and I couldn't help but have a part of me agree.

"It is. It really is." He reviewed his point in his head, and seemed to be surprised he had thought up what he just said.

"How would I tell Jack?" I asked, and then rephrased. "Well, first how did you tell your mom?"

"I told her straight out." He let the story roll of his tongue, as he could easily remember it. It was probably one of the most important events in his life, so he could probably vividly see it as he told me. "We were in the car on the way home from our trip in Chicago. We were arriving in the city, and were talking about things that were going on with us ever since we left. Somehow a moment came where I felt like I had to just tell her. So I did. I began with saying, 'Mom... I like boys'. Then, she was extremely happy that I had just told her something that was too hard to do, and she made me talk about who I like and such. It was actually kind of embarrassing after she knew." He smiled, amused at his mother's reaction.

"That probably wouldn't happen with Jack and I." I felt a little down, since it didn't give me too much insight to the future. It just gave me another person's testimony of how they came out.

"Well, not exactly. He would have to be happy that you didn't keep something such as this from him, though. Once you tell someone it, your relationship with them shifts. It brings you a closer understanding of them as a human being."

"When should I tell him then?" I asked, beginning to give into the want of being closer to my brother again, as we were when were were younger a couple years before this mess. Before I ever considered I was gay, and way before I ever had liked Chad.

"You should let him know when the moment is right. That doesn't mean you should wait forever, though," he warned me. I could tell this was a warning to not procrastinate on my decision. "If you wait to long, and let too many moments pass by, you won't get any more. It's almost like a set stock pile you get before the consequence of running out."

"How do I know if the moment is right?" I asked, not understanding how I could possibly know right on the spot.

"You can tell. It's a feeling you get from nowhere that whispers to you to say it." I guess they did come out of nowhere. "Sometimes you have to create the moment on your own, and then it will come. Sort of like getting the ball rolling."

"So the sooner the better then?" I was hoping he would have to rethink about it, and that he would go to saying longer was alright to do. He didn't. He stuck with what he had set his mind to.

"That's exactly my point," he confirmed. I rested on him again, tired of the long day. I could feel myself drifting into sleep as I felt him move under me in rhythm to his breathing. I tried to concentrate on that, but that began to affect me even worse than by thinking about what's on my mind. I felt his arm around my back and I felt his hand rub against my arm in a comforting way. "It'll be worth it. I promise."

"I'm sure it will be, it'll just be hard to do."

"After all the hardships, it'll bring joy to you," he said. His love for things to be well for everyone seemed to be shining out of him. I could tell he was an excellent person to be around, and best of all be with. He really wanted all the different kinds of situations in this world to be enjoyable and to fit in the scheme of things.

I wondered what it will be like when we are actually together sooner on. How we would act to each other, and if it will be something helpful to both of us, instead of destructive. Another thing I thought of is how others would react. If they would look at us as freaks, or if we would be easily accepted into society as the world is changing and evolving.

"What are we going to do about other people?" I looked up at him.

"What do you mean?" He met his eyes with me, and I almost lost myself in his blue eyes again.

"Uh..." I brought myself back again, and tried to keep myself level. "Are we going to let other people know about us?" He looked ahead and thought about it.

"Hmm..." As he thought about it I began to go through possible outcomes of going public. We could be ridiculed in front of the school. Be made fun of, and get hurt. People could try and graffiti our house just because of two guys liking each other. We could get pushed up against lockers, or from one outrageous student get killed in a millisecond. In any time something horrible could happen.

There would people who would have to defend us, though. There are a good amount of homosexuals in our school. We could be easily blend into the crowd without it even mattering to someone. Even though high school is more forgiving than the outside world, it's a good example of what will be coming into the real world later on. Of how life is switching views, and becoming more open to newer possibilities.

"We can let them know," he stated, bringing me out of the scenarios cluttering in my head. "We'll just be careful."

"Of what?"

"Just of certain situations. If something happens, we can get through it. That's not what we need to worry about though. I think the most important thing is to tell your brother. We wouldn't be able to go public without him finding out immediately, right?"

"Right." I guess Chad and I being open about our relationship was another motivator. A pretty good one too, if I had to say it.

"I won't rush you, though. I get it. I just don't want us to have to hide it forever, though. It'd be nice if Jack knew anytime soon..."

"I will. You can rush me if you want. I don't want to either, I'm just scared is all."

"Of other people? It shouldn't matter as long as we are with eachother."

"Of my brother." Other people don't matter to me. The hurt they bring me may effect me, but my brother's opinion is the only thing that is worth something to me. "You can rush me if you want to. My brother needs to know about me. It's been too long trying to cover it up all the time."

"Okay. I just didn't want to make you panicky." If he didn't prod me along. If he didn't cause me to shake to my spine, then I wouldn't go on with the plan. I would stay behind everyone, and place a screen in front of me so I couldn't be seen. That wouldn't be a good thing to endure through.

"You couldn't make me panicky if you tried. You're one of the only people I can remain calm to." He really was the one for me to go to in problems like this. He was there for me, to keep me in a warm hug, so I could think. He was the one to suggest brilliant ideas so I can build things going to an upwards direction.

"I'm glad to hear that." He hugged me tighter then, and once again I let out a soft sigh. He kept on relaxing me, and he did it by instinct. He rested his head on top of mine, and laid there feeling the body heat of each other continually reflect. This time we really did fall asleep.

"Wake up. You've got to go home." I felt my head roll off his shoulder, and I caught it in mid air. I woke up, feeling alert and looking for him. He had stood up, and I did too. I feel back down again from the sudden tiredness that hit me again from the weight of my body. I got up once more, this time becoming more stable.

"What time is it?" I asked him, rubbing my eyes.

"I'm not sure, it's almost dinner is all I know."

"Okay." We headed upstairs to go to his car. We stopped when his mother saw us and called out to me.

"Brent, do you want to stay for dinner?"

"That's okay. I don't want to worry my parents."

"Okay, maybe some other time then." I nodded.

"Thanks for letting me over," I thanked her politely.

"It was no problem at all. Come back again soon."

"I'm sure I will," I said under my breath. Chad caught it and we both chuckled to the joke. We got into his car quickly to escape the coldness in his garage. The drive wasn't as anxious as it had been on the way to his house. We were closer to each other now, and we knew what the other was thinking before we arrived here. It felt good to have everything in the open in front of him now, and that any worry, or curiosity I've had of him has been answered.

I begin to think of the air of my own house. I knew that until I told Jack the air would be just like it had been when I was in Chad's car. There would be a tension, too obvious to have anyone miss it. Until it was over, there would be questions of why it's awkward for me, or why I can't be there. Once it's all told and done with, it would feel better. I would feel better.

I just didn't know if I had to be open in just my room, or when me and Jack were alone there. I had begun to wonder about my parents as well and what I should tell them.

"Chad, what about my mom and dad? There a lot more into the older generation than Jack is." His hands gripped onto the wheel a little tighter, and he leaned in a little looking at the road.

"I'm not sure what you need to do about that." I had him stumped, and since he was the one to go to answers for, I didn't know what to do. He couldn't be stumped for too long if I took a different approach.

"Should I tell them with Jack?"

"No," he said almost immediately. He began to process his thoughts, and then told me straight from what he was thinking. "Tell him first... Then you can get support from him. Once you do, then you can both tell your parents so that it's easier for you, and that they understand you can't be changed."

"Okay." I looked out the window again, thinking about anything else I needed to know before I would have to go. We went through my family, and ourselves, last was me. Something I didn't want to bring up. I was too afraid of Jack because I knew what he would think. He would think the same thing I was right now.

I am too different than anyone else. I didn't agree with myself before that I could be gay. I tried to focus on girls, I really did. I thought I had done what I wanted to do, and thought I found the perfect girl. As soon as I had kissed her, there wasn't anything there. it was over as soon as the kiss ended, and believe me, it didn't last very long. That's when I had to admit to myself that I didn't like girls.

I know when I'm with Chad I don't think too much of it, even when Chad is in my near presence. The feeling is still there to pounce on me. If Jack doesn't agree with who I like, then how can I end up agreeing with myself. I just couldn't do it. He would end up influencing me too much to bring me back down, if I wasn't careful.

"Chad?" I asked, ready to say what was on my mind.

"Yeah?"

"...Thanks for your help."

"No problem."

I had chickened out. I didn't want to hurt him and make him think he was worth anything to me. He really was worth everything to me, just like my brother. I just couldn't face him if he doubted me ever wanting him. If I had made the statement I planned on saying, I would have done exactly that.

"Good luck," he wished as we arrived in my driveway. "Make sure you're careful, okay?"

"I will be. I'll make sure of it."

"Goodbye," he said sadly.

"Bye," I replied. I hugged him again, not ready to give him a kiss. I was pretty sure he was ready as well, or knew that I wasn't. As soon as I lifted my arms, he did just as naturally. He didn't pout or reject the hug, and so when I gave his hug, I made sure to tightly hold on as if it would be the last time to make contact with him.

I got out of his car slowly, and closed his door at the same speed. I didn't really want to go inside, because I could tell with my luck that it would happen sooner than later. The sooner is not always the better this time. I had to keep moving though. I couldn't freeze myself outside just because I didn't want to converse with my own family.

I finally walked up the steps to the door, hoping for a perfect moment to come to me later, but still dreading the moment all the same. As I put my hand on the doorknob, I looked into the tall, slim window on the right of the door. Jack was on the couch resting, and I didn't plan on waking him.

I opened the door and quickly closed it. I quietly headed towards the stairs so I could go to my room. As I looked at him to see if he was still asleep, I could see the disturbed body wake. His eyes began to open, and he smiled to me.