A Mix of Luck and Strength

 

I left lunch, still thinking about what’s been bothering me all day. Well, actually for the past couple months, but recently the feeling of envy grew stronger. Envy, along, with the want to be exempt of confusion. I don’t know why it struck me this way but it was if a light switch turned me on and made me think of this. It made me frustrated with this feeling.

            Seeing guys in the hall has made things harder to deny it. Seeing theme with girls just makes it worse, since that brings out the envy in me. The envy of wanting the guy or other times just the simplicity of wanting a relationship. When they’re with said guy, its obvious to me that I want them gone, it’s not too much of a question. All of a sudden it’s as if girls no longer mattered. It’s as if, in Peter’s language, “they’re all nasty when it comes to their junk.”

            You got to love him, but I never thought I would be like him. I just wish I wasn’t…like that. At the very least, I wish I wasn’t confused. I don’t know how to be sure, but I was positive that having a crush—a long term one at that—on a guy classifies you as gay, or maybe bisexual. That is definitely worse, since its way too confusing.   No matter how much variety of choices you can get.

            The rest of my classes passed with a blur such as the ones of this morning. Chemistry was a little bit slower since it was one of the few classes I didn’t have anyone to talk to. There were no true distractions in that class for me to have. I sat, staring at the teacher lecturing as time passed away. I simply wrote down the notes as a mindless robot, copying whatever he showed on the board. I had already decided as soon as I starting doing that, that I would review my things later. Hopefully, I would have more focus then. Just for now I’d have to stick to mindless activities.

            As the school day being to finally come to a close, I waited by the door for the bell to ring. I turned on my iPod and listened to the playlist that currently described me. Listening to music was another great mindless task. Silently I sang under my breath to pass the last couple minutes of wait. My December was the first one to show up on the shuffle.

            “This is my December, this is my snow covered home. This is my December, this is me alone. Just wish that I didn’t feel like there was something I missed.”

            Ring.

            I wish there was a sign that I could see. Something for me to just know that I’m okay. That maybe, it wont be so bad and that I’m overreacting. I continued singing, simply to distract myself from the thoughts that have bothered me all day.

“I’d give it all away, just to have somewhere to go to. Give it all away, just to have someone to go home to.”

I stared at drawing portfolio in my hands, and reviewed my drawings. For one reason, to try to figure out why I signed up for that class and for another, to distract me from the people around me.

            “This is me pretending, this is all I need. Just wish I didn’t feel-”

            A moving force hit me, causing me to discard my portfolio onto the floor. Works fell out causing scattered pages to lie at my feet. My attention quickly came back to what was going on around me.

            “I’m sorry.” I said, as I saw hands in my peripheral vision fluttering to pick up their own things.

            “It was kind of my fault,” a recognizable voice said. I looked up to see a face I wouldn’t have expected to be so close to mine. He began to help me pick up my things as I watched him.

            This boy was definitely gifted with extremely flattering features. He had eyes that were cornflower blue and shimmered from the lights above us. They were the first thing I noticed since they contrasted so well to his dark hair. His black hair was spiked up in disarray, but in a way that was fashionable. He had a light amount of stubble, but instead of looking distasteful, it looked attractive. It gave a little more to the face, and it wasn’t heavy stubble. It seemed as if it was purposely there, since it still formed a nice transition on his chin and above his lips.

            Today wasn’t one of his days where it didn’t matter what he looked like either. He wore a designer midnight blue and grey striped hoodie that partly revealed the black graphic tee underneath. He wore dark denim jeans that allowed enough room for him to walk around. Along with that he wore classic converses.

            I returned to helping him pick up my own things so it didn’t seem strange that I was watching him in shock as he was next to me. I know we have always talked before, in choir at least, but since I was no longer in a class with him there was no connection. I hadn’t had a real conversation since then, and I definitely don’t count simple hellos as ones. So starting this conversation seemed like it would be hard for me since it was so intimidating. I knew I liked him, but him liking me?  That was definitely a stretch of the imagination, I’m sure.

            “Thanks.” I said quickly. I noticed that around us, the hall had been cleared of the other students.

            “No problem, Brent.” My name seemed to casually roll off his tongue. It was as if he naturally used it in any normal conversation. As he began to stand up, he kept talking. “How have you been?”

            “Okay, I guess.”

            “You guess?” he chuckled.

            “Yeah. You know, school… life… and such. What about you?”

            “I know what you mean. I’m doing pretty well.”

            “That’s good.” I replied with what felt like a crooked smile.

“You know, you’ve gotten better.”

            “Better at what?”

            “Um… singing.” He said, rubbing the back of his head. He gave a sheepish smile as the level of awkwardness shifted to become a little heavier, now that we were facing each other.

            “Thanks,” I said with a small smile. “I didn’t think I was loud enough for others to hear.”

            “Only slightly.” At that the conversation was up in the air. Within a few seconds I tried to think of something, anything, to talk about. I didn’t want to lose the chance of being alone with him.

            “So how come you left our choir class? Think you’re better than us?” He mused. He initiated the walking, heading towards the back way out of the science department. The way that would lead us straight outside soon enough.

            “Just the deal Mr. Black had made. I don’t know how he came up with though. I think it’d be a lot better if I didn’t make such a huge jump to the higher class, considering how long I’ve been in choir.”

            “Yeah, I’m sure it’s tough, but you’re good enough for it.”

            “No way,” I rejected, actually feeling my face burning. I hoped it was only the heat affected by wearing a jacket inside of the school. I had hoped, but I knew that wasn’t the true reason.

            “See, you do know! I know, too. I mean c’mon, you definitely rocked the final.” He brought up the first example off the top of his head.

            “Yeah, but the final was my kind of music for the voice I have.”

            “Nope, you just have a nice voice. That’s all there is to it.” He rejected any claims to denial I had. A thought entered my head, coming from nowhere. We had hit it off again, and that wasn’t natural. I mean, we were already fighting, of course, in a playful way. We acted like best friends, and no small amount of talk could prepare us for what we were doing now. I just wish he knew the reason that I was blushing before was because he was complimenting me.

            “I prefer yours though,” I slipped in. Now was his turn to have a bright shade of pink resting on his face. “It’s pretty good.”

            “Thanks.” He said, shyly. He then changed the subject to another topic on his mind. I was used to these kind of random changes, since many of my friends, and including myself, do this almost all the time. “Did you see the game on Tuesday? I thought you did, but…”

            I forgot about that. That’s right; he was playing on the soccer team. Thanks to Brad, I found another type of common ground to keep with Chad.

            “Yeah, that was me. It was pretty fun! That was a nice goal you shot. I was surprised you guys weren’t cold. Emily and I were freezing up in the stands.”

            “Yeah, soccer’s definitely something I am good at. I guess we were warm from running around so much.”

            “That’s true. So, since you won do you have any more games?”

            “Actually we have one for competition next week. I’m pretty sure it’s on Monday.”

            “That’s cool. I’ll definitely come and watch.” I had hoped I hadn’t been pushing the envelope by commencing that.

            “That’d be great!” We had reached outside, on the side lot. Many cars were still passing, well, sitting from the long line of students ready to rush out of the school’s grounds. I wasn’t sure what others around us thought as we talked, but if he didn’t care, then neither did I.

            “Hey, so I was wondering…” He expelled slowly.

            “Yeah?”

            “Never mind” he retracted at once.

            “What were you going to say?” I prodded him in telling me, all the while smiling. Hoping that what he’d want to know would be good.

            “Do you want to hang out? Like I guess we could talk more…”

            Was he serious? I couldn’t believe how today has gone, but it’s starting to head in a new direction. It didn’t seem like a joke but it did surprise me. I hoped I wasn’t gawking at what he said. By the fact I didn’t have to shut my mouth to begin talking again, I assumed I didn’t.

            “Serious?”

            “Yeah,” he said looking past me. “I mean I just thought maybe we could listen to music? Maybe I should just go…”

            “No. Sure.” I said swiftly, then slowed down and did some thought processing. “You don’t have to just go, and sure, it would be cool to hang out.”

            “Sweet!” His face lit up again and he led me to his car. We hopped in and started leaving the school. We hardly said anything during the ride, but it wasn’t too long of one. He lived just a few minutes away, and I know I was too busy soaking in the fact that we were hanging out. I hoped he was as well, but didn’t want to assume, no matter if it was his suggestion to do come with him.

            We had eventually arrived at his house, which was a nice two story building that was russet on the siding, and had a bistre colored roof. An atrium sat in front, connected to one of the rooms of the house. A long pathway from the driveway led to the door, and flowers were placed in lengthened beds on both sides.

            We didn’t follow the path, and instead he led me to the back by following the rest of the driveway on foot. A sun room was jutted out in the back. As I looked to his back yard I saw an abandoned swing set, attached to a wooden play house. The whole structure laid on the edge of the field and the vast forest behind it.

            As we went through the sliding door inside the sun room, a young aged woman greeted us. She had honey ginger hair, with several strands of auburn highlights, put up into a ponytail. She had not faced the timing of age yet, and her skin looked like the color of a smooth harvest moon. Her lavender rose lips prominent against the color of her skin. She was a few inches shorter than me, with help from her incredible posture.

            “Hello, I’m Mrs. Matthews.” She extended her hand out, and I gladly took it.

            “I’m Brent. It’s nice to meet you.”

            “Likewise. So what are you guys going to be up to?”

            “We’re just hanging out,” Chad told her.

            “Okay. Do you guys want anything? We have some food in the pantry. We have a variety of drinks. Do you want any soda Brent?” She sweetly offered to me.

            “No thank you.” I politely responded.

            “Let me know if you do. All you have to do is holler at me.”

            “I will.” I smiled at her generosity.

            “The basement’s this way,” Chad brought up. We exited the kitchen and went through an already open door just ahead. It led to a basement downstairs. It was a wide, and long room which contained two room spaces, cut off by a small amount of wall that came out from the left side. To the very right as we entered was a wide screen TV, and a couch that extended around the whole left corner of the front ‘room’. In the back, there was a guest bedroom with a night stand on each side.

            “Your mom seems nice,” I mentioned to him. He began to head over to a stereo system placed next to the TV.

            “She really is. Along with my dad, they are pretty likable parents.” He put on a cd that opened up wit a rock ballad. “What kind of music do you like?”

            “Anything really, it doesn’t matter to me. Mostly alterative, but this is fine.” He nodded to me.

“We’ll leave it at this then.” He took a seat on the couch towards the middle. I decided to take a seat as well on the opposite corner, not to far from the angle as well.

            “You’ve got a nice place. The basement’s really cool.” I continued looking around, noting the paintings on the wall.

            “Thanks.” He said with a tiny amount of pride. “To tell you the truth I’m surprised you came here.” He said, looking down at his feet in front of him.

            “What do you mean?”

            “Well, we’re friends right?” He looked up, but held his face in the direction of his feet. I was baffled at how he looked as he stared at me with puppy dog eyes.

            “Yeah.”

            “Are we best friends?” He questioned with a neutral tone. I didn’t know how to answer that with a correct response. I didn’t want to say yes, since we weren’t exactly best friends, but I didn’t want to say no in case he actually thought we were.

            “We could be considered good friends.” I hoped that was a good safety measure. “Why?”

            “It just seems like hanging out might have felt weird…” I couldn’t tell whether he was beating around the bush or just talking. My heart kept saying that he just didn’t want to admit the kind of truth that it wanted to hear. I began to realize it since it slowly felt as it was increasing the strengths of pumps and that it would eventually burst. I couldn’t feel the feeling of belief in my gut, so I tried my hardest to just let it be. I took an attempt to block it out of my mind at the time being.

            “I don’t get why it would be weird,” I said innocently enough. “We’ve known each other for half a year, right?”

            “Yeah,” he sighed. “That’s true. I just don’t know.” The feeling of being uncomfortable that I felt earlier began to creep back to us. I felt like our day was coming to a close and that this would be it on any recovering truths. I felt fear well up inside me, and no matter how much I wanted to continue the conversation in this way, I couldn’t get the courage to do it. I wasn’t even in my home, so if something went wrong I would have to walk home, and even though I don’t live far, it’s only a small distance because it would be by car.

            “You okay?” I tried to reach out to him. He nodded, and I couldn’t believe him. His facial expressions showed some type of unhappiness, and him deciding to not look at me only made me worse. If I wanted to do it, it would be right now. I haven’t felt rejection before, and for this to be the first time would cause everything I’ve done to build a relationship with this boy to be cut off.

I’ve wanted to show him so much that I liked him, to give him hints. I have done so, many times, so either he doesn’t realize it, or he likes me back. Those were my two options to think on. They’re the two things that would decide what happened right now. I had to just give up this fight inside me and just go forward, starting today. I first tested my luck, of course.

“I know that’s not true,” I told him bluntly. He looked up with a surprised look on his face, but sadness still lingered.

“I’m fine,” he implied sternly, but the shake in his voice told me otherwise.

“Do you want to be best friends? Is it that?” He shook his head, and then gave his shoulder a shrug as he did so.  “You know, I don’t feel good about it either.”

“About what?” His voice changed to hurt, and I reconsidered my sentence.

            “I mean I’m feeling what you’re feeling right now.”

            “No. You really don’t.” He understood what I meant, but he didn’t think about the underlying message to it. I was going to prove it to him, and if it wasn’t right then I would know how to make my next move.

            “You’re feeling a sort of frustration because you don’t know how to speak your mind, and so you’re afraid and stressed.” He looked at me, staring. I stared back, unable to see what was in those glossy eyes. Again, I continued when the silence wasn’t broken. “Am I right?”

            There was a long pause in which he still didn’t reply. He just stared at me, but no look came across as, ‘you’re right. Just show me you love me, too.’ Finally, he shook his head, and that was one out of the two signals I was looking for. That doesn’t mean it was the one I wanted to be chosen. As soon as it had happened I felt as if I couldn’t be in the same room as he was any longer. I began to get up, and as I did I felt the weight of my body again. “I’m sorry.”

            I had no clue how to react, and I felt like I should have gotten out of there. My panic was with me the whole time and now it was more dominant than any other sensation.   I felt my first foot step onto ground again, and my other one did the same. I was walking to the door, in what felt like misery, and the pace would not quicken for me. The sooner the pain ended, the better it would be for me. If I felt this way now, in front of him, then who’s to know how I’m going to break down in the privacy of my own room? Realizing that much is what made reality’s time seem so subjectable, and made it continue this moment to the longest degree.

            I felt a light pressure on my wrist. As soon as I had felt it, it was already gone. I stopped in a second, and stood watching the door. I wanted to see if it wasn’t something I imagined from a warm draft from a vent, or something just as similar. The sensation came back quickly from a different angle and this time it didn’t leave. As it lingered, I took a breath in and turned around.

            Our eyes met the instant I did. I saw beads of liquid on his cheeks, placed below the corners of his eyes. His mouth hung slightly, his speech obviously interrupted. He took a double take and shook his head again, this shake being a quicker one to help his thoughts land in the right place.

            “I didn’t mean you weren’t right,” he said in a whisper. “Actually you were right. I just couldn’t believe you were.”

“Really?” I had crossed signals, and now it switched on me. This change of thought I wasn’t ready for but I quickly recovered.

            “Yes, I don’t know how you did it.”

            “I figured it out because I feel the same… about you.” The last part of that sentence was said quickly, but I know he caught it. His step closer to me indicated so.

            “Elaborate,” he almost forcibly told me out of urgency. In a softer tone he asked, “Please?” I took a breath and ended up releasing it to both our feet below me. I sighed again before I looked up to him, fully prepared.

            “I hope you realize that I like you.” There. It was out there for him to see, and for the truth to be known. As soon as the last word was said, I felt well again. A sense of accomplishment came, and I was glad that I didn’t walk up those steps. I felt that way for now, at least.

            He took a couple steps back again, distancing ourselves from each other. His eyes slowly went from the ground to the ceiling as he thoroughly inspected me. His natural eyes returned and began revealing him again, and I could tell he was thinking. He nodded his head slowly once.

            He got closer again, but this time he was right against me. He had brought his arms up and I felt his hands around my hips. His head was leaned on my shoulder and for the first time I heard how quick his breathing had been. The breaths he took had recently begun rehabilitating themselves. I knew what this embrace had meant and I wrapped myself around him as well. He brought his head upright again and met them to my eyes.

            “I do feel the same way.”

            “I figured as much,” I said gently. He let out a jagged breath that was meant as a single laugh and I smiled at him. When I lifted up one hand and wiped his tears, he revealed his sheepish smile again. “There we go, just what we needed.”

            “Whoa,” I said from alarm. He fell back into me a bit rough by losing his balance in his knees. I brought him to the couch with me and sat there, with an arm still around him as he relaxed.

            “You okay?” I asked, rubbing his arm. He rested his head onto my right shoulder, all insecurities vanished.

            “I’m a lot better, trust me.” I felt blissful as we sat in this position both resting upon each other. We were both in a mutual understanding of what we wanted all this time, and it felt perfectly right. It was as if it was fate that we were together.

            “Who would have known this would have turned out all right?”

            “I’m glad it did,” he admitted. I agreed with him. “I was never sure what you were thinking. When I thought I did, it seemed some days it was true, and on the other days-”

            “I know what you mean. I think just the uncertainty caused this to be harder than it was meant to be.” If only there was none of that before I almost broke the last chance. I was once again thankful I didn’t.

            “There were so many times I thought that you weren’t gay.”

            “I felt the same way with you,” I reminded him. “It seemed like you never showed that you were, even to me.”

            “I just didn’t want anyone to know I was,” he justified.

            “Does no one know you’re gay?” I lowered my voice, knowing his mother was just upstairs. I felt a little guilty about not being so careful before now.

            “Just my parents know. Actually I told my mom, but they always discuss everything. Which is fine with me, they’re my parents. I knew they would eventually.”

            “That’s it? Nothing happened?”

            “You mean anything bad? No. I was afraid how my dad would react and if he would react disgustingly. It was quite the opposite, though. Besides the immediate shock, he was really laid back about it, just like my mother was when I told her. Actually they weren’t in shock for too long, too. I’m glad they accepted it. I mean it’s not like I could just change my view.”

            “Wish that would apply to me…” I was sure I couldn’t let anyone know.

            “Did your parents not react well?”

            “Actually, I haven’t told them at all.”

            “Does anyone else know? Like your best friend or anything?”

            “Actually, only one other person does. I did not tell her on purpose, though. She kind of was messing around with me, and was talking about how gays acted. When she was poking some fun at our friend Peter I got defensive in a different way, from what she was saying. Before I realized what I said, she understood I was gay.” I know when it happened I wished she wasn’t so observant. Nothing just slipped past her, and if it did, it wouldn’t be for very long.

            “You didn’t deny it?”

            “I tried to…” I said solemnly. 

“Oh.” He got what I meant and felt the same wave of remorse as I did. He allowed me to let my thoughts wander as I thought about Erin knowing. As soon as she figured it out, I was upset that it had gotten out. We were best friends, sure, but it was still scary to have someone know. She accepted me though, just like Chad’s family had for him. She got over it and just went back to how things normally were. That’s what I liked about her. You could be a hideous three headed troll and she would still love you.

            “Do you trust her to know?” I thought this over, and I was sure I did. I know we’ve shared secrets before and I could trust her with them.

            “Yeah, I do. I’m sure she knows not to tell anyone.”

 

Reviews

[Chris]

I really like the story so far. The prologue gave a good enough of a hook to get me interested in the story. The point of view you use is also pretty good since we get a look into other characters' heads (of course, assuming it's not going to just stay as Brent for the rest of the story). I also like how you ended this chapter since it can give the reader a kind of suspense of whether Brent can really trust Erin or not (or at least that's what I got from it anyway). There are a few minor typos and misspellings here and there though, but I'm sure you'll notice them whenever you edit the book.