Prologue

        

 

 

            “You like him?!” Erin turned to me, shock forming across her face.

            “No! Of course I don’t. I’m not gay!” My voice faltered on the last sentence as I denied it. I tried to muster up anger, but it just wouldn’t come. How lucky am I? I already felt my hands shaking as I was going through clothes to find.

            “When you said Peter was hot, I thought you-”

            “No, Erin. I didn’t say that, I meant something different.” I interrupted her, not wanting her to say it again.

            Was my forehead beginning to sweat? I put my hand, pretending like I was scratching my brow, but it was no longer there. It must have slid down my face. Which would only make it even more noticeable. Crap.

            “Well what did you mean by that? That could only mean one thing…right?” She faced me, and I kept pushing around the clothes on the rack. I started to try to ignore her questions, and pulled out shirts, surveying their quality. Only doing it for show, so Erin might do the same. “So you disagree with Peter then? You do think Peter’s hot?”

            “No,” I was pulling for an answer. Any answer I could think of that wouldn’t be too obvious. “I said he was wrong on him being unattractive because…”

            What kind of excuse could I make? There were no good ones coming off the top of my head, or at least any that wouldn’t continue to tip her off. I would have to really think about it. I looked to her quickly in the corner of my eye. She was still watching me. If I didn’t choose a way out soon, she would know. “I meant that he shouldn’t put himself down like that. I’m sure a lot of people like him. He’s definitely a catch.”

            “How would you know that?” She asked me, holding her hand to her hip with an eyebrow raising her expression. Obviously that wasn’t something that wouldn’t tip her off. “So you think that?”

            “C’mon, we’ve talked about it at the table before.”

            “No, we haven’t.” She thought about it to make sure, and I could be in the clear if I kept going with this lie.

            “Yes, we have. Remember that Peter said there were a group of girls who liked him before?” I think that happened. At least I was hoping.

            “You know that we really have not talked about that. Brent, if you’re gay, it’s okay. No one is here to judge you…”

            “There are a lot of people judging me!” My eyes snapped up to hr as soon as I said it. I had told her.

            “That’s not true. I’m not here to judge you, and neither are the others. You already know we love Peter just the same. She touched a hand to my elbow and I left it there. For now.

            “You’d be the first to not care. You and Peter that is.” I said with a solemn voice. I could already tell that if you don’t do things like others expect, you just get stuck alone.

            “There’s more people that are accepting of your lifestyle than you think.”

            “Like who? Not my family, if that’s what you mean. My church probably doesn’t either.”

            “That doesn’t matter. Churches condemn a lot of things. They’re too full of hypocrisy to do anything as they yell at others for things they do themselves.” I cringed at her attack on my own religion.

            “Just stop,” I told her in command. I may have been scared, at time, of my religion but I still believed in God. I strongly believed in Him. Christ was a first priority to me, and hopefully that would be enough to look past what I’ve felt towards my own sex.

            “Sorry. I didn’t mean to be offensive,” she seriously regretted it, so I let it pass by. We normally left the religion talk alone.

            “I know. It’s fine.”

            “So if your family doesn’t know, does anyone?”

            “Nope.”

            “Not even Peter?” Why was he always on her mind? He was beginning to annoy me, I mean, he’s so lucky. He gets to do anything he wants openly and no one’s there to breathe fiery commands down his neck.

            “Why would I tell Peter?”

            “I don’t know…” She stuck to observing clothes.

            “Maybe you would want to confide in someone you knew. Who was…like you. You know, that way you could see ho to tell anyone.” She quickly continued the reassurance, “that is if you want to. You could just see what it was like for him.”

            “No. I haven’t even tried to talk to Peter.” I didn’t plan coming out soon, if ever. It seemed kind of filthy to even think about admitting it to others.

            “Would you think about telling him?”

            “Not at all.” Did she not know why? “You do know I don’t want to tell anyone, right? No offence, but I didn’t want to tell you.”

            “I understand that. It’s hard to do on the first time, but you can tell someone you know.”

            “Yep.” I didn’t really agree with her. I only said that to keep us off the conversation. I didn’t want to hear as much as I did, but I couldn’t ignore it. It was about my own personal life, and when she’s so open about it, I have to let my ears perk up to anything she talked about.

            “It isn’t shameful. Even if your religion does shun it. It just depends on how you handle it. One guy in your life isn’t horrible; it’s just what your heart tells you to do. Now, if you’re sleeping with three or four guys every night, and getting drunk while… well never mind that. You get the point. If you use your cards wisely, you wouldn’t be completely destined to hell. Your god understands, at least that’s what I’ve been told. ‘Forgiveness of a savior’ right?”

            “I guess we’ll see what happens. I’ll think about it okay? Just please, don’t tell anyone until I do.” I was going to keep on begging her, but I stopped. I didn’t have to plead to her to keep it a secret. She was a friend, and if she didn’t know it went without saying then she was no friend to have at all.

            “Alright, I won’t. I was just asking for you to think about it.” She smiled, satisfied enough with what she said. I believed her the final time she said it, and smiled back to her for being loyal to me. I wasn’t smiling on the inside, though. Someone had known my secret, and no matter how I could trust her with it, one of the skeletons came rattling out of my closet ready to be seen.