Thoughts of Current Life

Essayish thoughts on how im feeling...Not done either....

 

Right now, I’m in such a deep state of thought. Today I may be going crazy just because of what has happened to me over the past year since I had somewhat “came out”. We all know this term, some are ready to pelt rocks at me as I mention it, and others will want to be my best friend so we can discuss the latest trends in the fashion world. Well, if you’re the first group, hear me out, for what I have to say will make your view on homosexuality probably change, and maybe for the better for they are people. As for the second group, well I am not that type of gay. Some strive to obtain their title, but as for me, the title showed up on me without me realizing it.

As a few of my poems mention, I have faced some troublesome times with this guy. Let’s call him, Lex. Now, Lex has been pushing up on me before, and it’s driven me crazy. He has forced me to do unwanted things by bringing out the guilt of my father. This was what set me off completely. I was so angry, because I was in recovery losing my father when my secret of him came out (As said in Cellar of Secrets [Orginal) I’ve given up, and fallen victim, as I was ensnared into the venous fly traps of his thirsts for fresh blood. A fresh soul of his own to crave on. This Dementor, however, had to die. This problem, though, has been dealt with for I no longer see Lex. As for the problem with my father, who has been excommunicated from my life in this point…well I’ve dealt with that too. . 

Many other thoughts parade in circles in my mind as I argue against myself multiple times. These thoughts have happened many times lately and I just let them rush through me until the waterfall of troubles finally ends. The problem with waterfalls, however, is that they continue on and on, just like what I’m forced to face everyday. The sin and lies that stare me in the eyes, and are ready to reveal me for who it believes I am. If I am revealed, I fear I will cower in shame. I’m religious, very religious, and even if I’m hating what “I am”, so be it. I am a Christian, and I can believe being homosexual is wrong. If someone else wants to be gay, then okay, I will fear for you my friend and hope you receive forgiveness. I can make a choice however, and I have believed now that if I try, I can gain the right path. My chains will be broken. They have been rusting as I fight them and they will soon break free, for I am sure of it. I am faithful to my fight now.
            Recently I made the first step, the giant step, across the moon I explore. The dark side I currently travel on as I search for the light to it. I rejected the urges I feel as my hormones send myself into overdrive, and recently I’ve given in to the numbness of rejection. The silence of hate and the settlement of flourishing steals of lust are ending. For I keep reminders around me to keep me pushing the off-railed train that I am forever trying to put back onto the tracks. The train of righteousness which holds the correct feelings of sexuality in its cars. I know with strength I can go back to my path, but to push this massive train I bared on my arms, I have to receive help now. Not only from God, who can simply lift it up and put it on its tracks, but from friends. Friends that I know I trust with my life if ever needed. For if God is to help me I must help in the battle…
            Many quotes I have been specifically holding on to are remembered. Only sometimes are they remembered, though. Quotes such as, “But those who put faith in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar like eagles.” Isaiah 40:31. This is filled with powerful words, and when my mindset hardens as I reach deep inside myself, I continue further to calmness. My search is completed once I reach this feeling of selfishly given forgiveness. “God gives mercy even to the worst sinners.” Another good verse that’s placed in John, verse 3:16.

It’s weird, but my mind goes into many directions at this sudden moment when I lose myself into a trance at the computer screen, but one thought I have, I force myself to latch onto and ride alongside with as it unravels itself. Oh, how much I’ve grown in the last eight months! My boundary issues I’ve dealt with guys in the past are starting to scab and heal itself. I find myself closer to men now, in a healthy way, for those who’ve guided me. It’s sad to say my father has failed his job to protect me from hurt and to heal me of wounds, but people like Rob, John, and Mike have helped tremendously.

            There’s Rob, who has counseled me to deal with the elongated past relationships between my father and I. He helped me grow as a person, and change many views that were falsely gripped to my skin before. Such things that pelted against my mother no longer exist except for being against my father. My cold shoulder has grown, and it gets better training everyday.

            John, my youth leader, has led me further to my traveling towards God. Youth camp changed my life, and he was there to guide me to it. Thursday night, I learned more of myself, and was finally filled with the Holy Spirit for the real first time during prayer and worship. Friday, visions from Preston and John himself came into their mind of my sins being washed away on the table that was labeled with my name. I felt freedom in my grasp and at camp I set my heart onto my new goals.

            Mike, who I met at a youth weekend and have suddenly grown a great relationship with. We talked a lot on the issues I am now facing and he had an input with what I think about everyday. I always seem to need more than one view to help me as I think of these intellectual topics. (Except this time, no matter how many views I get, I end up lost and confused)

            See, I’ve added faith to this “conversion” for awhile now and I don’t know my feelings anymore. The spectrum I thought I had found is now switched all around and my thoughts are everywhere. I find myself definitely thinking differently, and I am now assuming this confusion to be part of the process I’m in. This assumption comes from the fact that when I think like this, I am subconsciously happy inside, so I figure that means it’s the right thing I’m headed towards. Maybe a section of the train is closer than I thought and the third rail of electricity is beginning to re-spark it again. I know I’m forcing this train back onto the tracks, but I’m not forcing myself to be a different person, just the person I used to be.

            I think the lust I find in certain people is a devil’s whisper in my ear, and the wanting of love from a woman is my soul that is uncovering itself from under the bed sheet that was laid upon it. For if I don’t lust towards woman, it may not mean what I used to think it did. Maybe I’ll reach that stage over time, or skip it altogether, but I think progress has already been in order. 

            The lusting thoughts I have that are sinful in a double-meaning are ransacking the correcting thoughts. However, I am on guard now, more than ever before. When they come across I try really hard to correct them and face them into the right direction. The trouble I see everyday from school that loomed over from last year in a mutual class we had continues to haunt me. Now, I feel a pain different from last year. It’s the pain of not wanting this lust or this person, even if my body tries to fight my mind. He’s one of my Volturis that I have who set out to reek punishments to me that I should not be forced to face. He would be connected to Marcus, careless and bored. Someone who obviously interprets relationships, but does nothing to change them. Aro would be the devil, his doings causing the past to come back to the top again to sink those good times to the bottom. My final Volturi to complete the trio would be Caius, the thing that continues to hold onto me and doesn’t want me to escape from it’s grasp.

            So I have 3 strings to cut before I release myself fully. The first is my romanticism. My obsession over love, and not just him, but everything related to it. The want to have a relationship and things such as that. As I think more of it however, it is him who can cause it for he gives me hope, and when I get this hope I forget in an instant about correcting my thoughts and think of him. Even if I am imperfect, for I am human, it is disgraceful that I cannot forget about him. When anyone tends to pay attention to me, whether it be like him when he glances at me or another person who stands next to me and stares at me (not like creeper style, but yes, stares at me), then I catch that and hope for love.

The second string is one of my personal feats to beat, and it’s going to be hard to let go of it for it’s bonded me to it now but I’m progressing in this task.    The third string (honestly, in deep thought) is that I’m now labeled gay, and I’m unsure of the moment what I am. I guess I need to find myself to fully decide at this current state of traveling I’m in. I don’t feel anything for anyone in theatre however, and whether I turn out gay, straight, or just a Taurus, I don’t remember the dressing room. I feel girls as a different being with personal rights, and I don’t remember those kinds of things to use for later. That’s the doings of the gentleman inside me. Even though I am just a boy, I do have morals.

            So I will keep two verses in my mind, so that I don’t have to wait to go look it up. The first being, "In EVERY battle you will need FAITH as your SHEILD to stop the fiery arrow aimed at you by Satan.  Put on Salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God."  Ephesians 6: 16-17. The second, shortest and biggest one is the promise that I “I have made a covenant with my eyes and mind" Job 3:1.

            So where my story goes now I do not know till it continues on. Every breath that keeps me alive for a few more seconds will determine the path ahead of me as I fight to control it to be the right path.