19. The Second Dumbest Plan in History

A Chapter by Magic Toast

Ace puts her plan to fruition as she and Hades storm Xenu's ship!

Back on Xenu’s ship, multiple detections of hostiles were lighting up the radar in the cockpit. Xenu walked in slowly, his posture straight and perfect. His soldiers either stepped to the side or bowed as he walked past to the three women sitting at the front of the ship. They were frantically trying to make sense of the readings as multiple missiles approached the ship at amazing velocities.

“Sir, we have incoming fire from Huma! They appear to be atomic in design! We’re dealing with high powered explosives!” One of the women cried out.

“Give me visual.” Xenu said calmly. Although the open windows facing Earth were wide open, a second screen descended and covered the view before turning bright green. The missiles were highlighted in dark green with small comments popping from the interface to indicate their current direction and velocity, as well as time until impact.

“Nuclear weapons? These failures of evolution must’ve gotten lucky when making those…” Xenu mused. “Raise shields. Let them hit us. I want this planet to realize just how inferior they really are!”

At his command the three women began to press buttons in sequence, eventually raising black barriers made of pure energy around the ship, making a spherical orb that nothing could penetrate. Luckily Hades was inside when the barrier closed, much to the surprise of everyone in Xenu’s cockpit.

“Sir, an unidentified cruiser entered the barrier just before it closed!” One of the women cried out in shock.

“What?! Show me!” Xenu yelled, grabbing the woman’s chair. The screen focused on the ship as it zoomed at them, seemingly with the intent of ramming the hull.

“It almost looks like…but it can’t be!” Xenu grumbled. He pointed dramatically to the screen and bellowed his orders: “Fire on the ship! Don’t let it get near us! Destroy it!”

The three women furiously pressed buttons and changed dials, turning the gun turrets on the small ship piloted by Hades before unleashing a downpour of energy bullets. Inside his own ship, Hades laughed uncontrollably.

“Good ol’ Xenu! The seasons are more unpredictable than him!” He cheered. He slammed his fist down on a large button before grabbing the wheel and turning it so hard the entire ship rolled to the side.

“You thought that teleport thing was cool, Ace?” He called back, failing to hold back a grin, “Then let me show you why I was chosen to be a pilot of the Karomal Cloud Maulers!” He drove the ship down near the edge of the barrier, allowing the bullets following to crash into the shield and explode on impact. The resulting explosions shook the ship so violently Ace had to tighten her seatbelt. Defying the laws of physics, Hades did a hairpin turn that changed their direction by about 160 degrees in another direction before bursting forward. The hail of fire aimed at them missed every time as it desperately tried to keep up.

“Our guns can’t hold their position! Who is this guy?!” One of the women said. Xenu slammed his hands on her seat, making the poor girl squeak in fear.

“Then use our missiles! Blow that reject into oblivion! He mocks us all by even getting this far, don’t let him mock us anymore!” Xenu roared in fury. He spun around and yelled at the nearest soldier to bring him his strategist and space flight expert. The soldier left, leaving Xenu to turn back to the action and growl in anger.

“No one can move like that.” He grumbled. “There has only been three people capable of such maneuvers, and all of them Outcasts…No matter who it is, they must be killed….”

Hades surfed the black barrier around to the side of Xenu’s ship. Missiles began to follow as the turrets no longer reached him.

“Uh, Hades?” Ace called out, fearing the worst when two missiles appeared on her side of the ship.

“Can’t talk! Being awesome!” Hades called back before flipping a small switch near the steering wheel. Immediately he slammed into the missiles. Ace screamed and held her head for the impact, but was met with only a massive shudder and explosion as Hades ship smashed through the missiles like a wrecking ball into a building. A green and blue barrier flashed solid before vanishing with the flames of the missiles. Hades cheered out.

“Yeah! How do you like that, you grizzled prick?! Shoot your missiles, I’m not afraid!” He yelled at Xenu’s ship. "Custom generators, you mother f-"

“Jesus, Hades, you’re not acting like yourself!” Ace said, shaking. Hades laughed.

“You kidding? I haven’t acted like myself in eons! I’m so glad I get a chance to do this, I hate this guy! The b*****d recruited my girlfriend before I had a chance to say goodbye and never even came by the planet for me to catch up with her! Not to mention he’s so full of himself.” His grip tightened on the wheel. “Even if we don’t make it, just knowing I give this prick this much trouble is something I’ve wanted for billions of your years!”

He flipped the switch back up before pulling down on a large lever in the middle of his console, accelerating the ship to intense speeds. More missiles were fired, but they couldn’t keep up with Hades’ new speed.

The strategist and flight expert hurried into the large cockpit to speak with Xenu, who at this point was beyond furious. Xenu slammed his fist onto a button to bring up a screenshot of the ship and pointed to it dramatically.

“Who is this?!” He yelled. The strategist, Athena, recoiled in fear while the flight expert merely flinched.

“Sir, a single picture of a ship isn’t enough detail.” The expert stated. Xenu turned to Athena.

“You’ve seen this ship before! Back on your planet, this was one of their standard models! I demand to know whose piloting that ship, and I demand to know how I can destroy it. Even missiles are ineffective!”

“M-Missiles? How is that possible sir?” Athena whispered.

“That ship actually rammed my best artillery and came out without a single scratch due to some sort of barrier! Those ships don’t even have barrier generators installed- as far as I was told, they were never even suppose to leave the atmosphere. That is a Karomalian ship, Athena- who is in there?!”

“I don’t know! I don’t…” Athena screamed, backing away in terror at Xenu’s rage. Suddenly it dawned on her who it might be. “But it can’t be…” She accidentally said out loud.

“I order you to tell me who is in that vehicle, Athena.” Xenu said. Athena looked at the flight expert before looking back to Xenu.

“I-I don’t know, sir. I thought I did, but considering how many Karomalians currently in service to the queen it’s impossible to know.”

“And like I said, I cannot tell you anything more.” The expert shrugged. “All I can say is it’s a heavily modified ship. It has its own barrier generator and is now capable of long distance space flight. I wouldn’t be surprised if it had a space wrinkler installed, so who knows where it came from. If you want to destroy it so badly, the only way is to overpower the generators”

Xenu looked at them both in shock before yelling to the ceiling in anger, letting out a blast of flames from his mouth.

“This is unacceptable! That ship is taunting us now, and I want it gone! Send everything we have at it! Blow it out of the sky! Show that pilot why he’s inferior to us all!!”

The three women nodded in agreement before firing all possible weapons on the ship, not just missiles. The inside of the barrier lit up with the raw firepower being sent out at Hades’ ship, who at this point was merely taunting Xenu by flying circles around his ship. Suddenly a massive vibration jostled the black barrier and all inside it, sending Xenu’s crew not currently in seats flying, including Xenu.

“What was that?” Ace asked Hades, whose ship also was sent flying with the quake. Hades had smashed directly into Xenu’s ship due to the quake, getting lodged into the side of the hull.

“Remember those nukes you and Alex were concerned about?” Hades responded. “Let’s just say we don’t have to be concerned anymore. Anyway, enough play- you need to get inside. Now!” Hades unbuckled his seatbelt and walked to the back of the ship to uncover a hatch. Lowering a glass door to seal him inside, he opened the hatch- a massive suction could be seen sucking the air into the void of space within the barrier. Ace gasped and ran to the glass.

“Hades!” She cried out. Hades looked back at her and grinned, giving her a thumbs up. Despite being in a vacuum, he was fine. He jumped down the hole but landed on the hull of Xenu’s ship only feet away from the side. He attached silver piping to the hatch that lead straight to the hull before slicing Xenu’s ship with his black tendrils to create a circle for Ace to get in. Air burst back in, pressurizing the small area Hades sealed off. After pressing a button on the side of his ship, Hades raised the glass and walked to Ace.

“Alright, it’s all you!” He said. Ace stepped back in shock.

“You were in a vacuum of space! What the hell!” She said.

“Psh! People don’t need to breathe. We keep air on our ships as semantics, and because demies aren’t as resilient. Anyway, in you go. I don’t know Xenu’s ship too well, but based on your plan it doesn’t matter! Get in there and do your thing- I’ll see you on the ground.”

“What about Xenu? We need to get him on the ground for Alex.”

Hades winked. “Leave that to me. You have fifteen minutes, Ace. Hop to it!” He grabbed Ace and hurled her into the hole, much to her shock, before sealing the hatch and putting the ship in reverse to pull it free. The silver piping he had laid before somehow wrapped itself over the hole he made, sealing it and preventing any more air to be lost.

Ace got to her feet and looked around frantically. The hallways were long and wide, completely covered in chrome. No piping showed like she expected, and everything was featureless. She groaned- Ace had no idea where to go or what to do. Although she conceived the plan, she never thought the details out. She began running in one direction, which soon turned into controlled flight through the hallways before running into a soldier who turned the corner just as she flew past. The soldier yelped but grabbed a small earpiece and held it to his head.

“Intruder! Intruder on level-” The soldier tried to call out before Ace grabbed him by the neck and threw him into the wall. The soldier collapsed, but Ace grabbed him by his jacket and slammed him into the wall again.

“Prisoner holding cells, please!” She said. The soldier shuddered and pointed down the hallway to the way he came. She winked to him before headbutting the poor soldier so hard he fell to the ground unconscious. Ace dashed down the hallway before coming to a map. Oddly enough she was able to read it, and within minutes got a general idea of where the prisoner cell was. She would have gotten a better idea, but a fleet of armed guards rushed down the hallway.

“Sweet! Target practice!” Ace cheered before taking a stance. The soldiers fired beams from their pronged spears, but Ace side stepped them. She countered with her own energy bolts and knocked soldiers down or out of the way with each hit. Eventually only two soldiers remained standing- Ace dashed forward and smashed one soldier across the face so hard he collapsed to the ground in a heap. She grabbed the other one by the arm and twisted it behind his back.

“Hi!” Ace said in a sweet and cheery voice, “You kidnapped someone without my permission! Would you be so kind as to show me where you’re keeping him?”

“You....You’re under…” The soldier groaned, attempting to arrest Ace. Ace twisted his arm harder, making him yell out in pain.

“What’s that? Hurt you more? Gosh, I’d love to, but I’m looking for someone. Where is he?” Ace mused. The soldier pointed down the hallway before Ace pushed him forward, threatening to break his arm if he didn’t direct her. Eventually they arrived at a cargo hold with hundreds of boxes stacked along the wall. Cages lined the back wall as well. One of them held Otto.

“Jackpot!” Ace yelled out, throwing the soldier she captured against the wall violently. She began walking over to his cage before Athena came running in.

“Otto! There are intruders! Are you-” she began before noticing Ace. The two stared at each other for only two seconds before Ace fired a bolt directly at Athena. Athena fell to one knee and made a massive square shield appear from seemingly nowhere, covering her minimized form.

“Nice, a shield. I’m going to love smashing it!” Ace said with a grin. Athena rose to her feet with the shield. Although it was easily taller and possibly heavier than her, Athena held it with one arm. Because of its size, her entire being was protected, even while standing. Ace fired more bolts at Athena, but they dissipated off the shield.

“Wait, stop! Don’t hurt her!” Otto called out.

“Yeah, don’t hurt me!” Ace said.

“No, you dumbass! Don’t hurt Athena!”

Ace looked back at him. “Are you nuts? These monsters kidnapped you and want to use you for gas! I’m going to shove an energy bolt so far up her a*s she’ll give birth to lightning in nine months!”

“You touch a hair on her head and I’ll smash your face in so far you’ll have to raise your leg to see!” Otto replied.

“Do you want to be saved? Because I can just leave you here if you want.”

“Yeah, and what’ll happen if you come back without me? Alex will rape you with crystals. You’re vomit lead for a week after she’s finished with you”

“Uh….was this your girlfriend you spoke of, Otto?” Athena politely interrupted. Ace turned back to Athena, redder than a tomato.

“Psh, she wishes!” Otto said, rolling his eyes. Ace looked back at Otto.

“What the hell! No I don’t! I didn’t kiss you! Shut up!” She began spouting frantically. Otto laughed.

“It’s like you’re trying to make a romance between us! I don’t know if I should laugh or cry. You’re not even my type- I don’t date twelve year old boys.”

“Don’t call me a boy, God d****t! I’m a woman in my mid twenties!”

“Then stop looking like a twelve year old boy!”

Ace roared in anger before firing a massive burst of energy at the electric bars. The resulting explosion knocked Ace back into Athena’s shield. The bars deactivated and Otto walked out, stretching as he stood up for the first time in hours.

“Awesome, thanks Ace.” He said with a thumbs up.

“What the hell! What about that stuff you just said?” She responded. Otto shook his head.

“Didn’t mean any of it, but man are you easy to provoke. I can almost count on you blowing something up if I call you a boy.” Otto said. Ace punched him in the face, knocking him to the ground. She walked away, blushing.

“Is…is this how you normally act with friends, Otto?” Athena asked, bewildered at the events that just unfolded. Otto slowly got to his feet.

“If only you knew, my goddess.” He said with a smile. The three turned to the door as heavy footsteps could be heard approaching the hallway.

“Oh great, more soldiers. I’m more stunned it took them this long to get here.” Ace groaned. She cracked her knuckles and walked to the doorway.

“Eh, bring ‘em on. You got this in the bag, dude.” Otto said, cheering her on. Ace waved his comment away and walked into the hallway.

“Wait, please don’t harm them! They are only doing their job.” Athena said, grabbing Ace’s arm. Ace shook her off.

“Sorry, lady, but I came here to save Otto and kick a*s, and I only got halfway through saving Otto.”

Athena turned back to Otto and made her shield vanish. “Otto, please tell her to stop. This amount of violence is unnecessary.”

Otto shrugged. “I don’t know what to tell you. Ace came here to save me. Until she does that, we can’t leave.”

“Then I’ll take you to the teleporters. Will you cease then, Mrs. Ace?” Athena asked. Ace turned back to Athena before looking at Otto and nodding.

“Yeah, alright. We have to hurry away. Hades wants us off this ship asap.”

“Hades?!” Athena cried out.

“You know him?” Ace asked. Her question was unanswered as a blast of laser fire hit Ace dead on and knocked her to the ground with a grunt. She got to her feet immediately and cracked her neck.

“Oh, you’re all kinds of proper fucked!” She yelled back at the soldiers before charging in and slamming them into the walls, deflecting their beam blasts with little trouble. Athena grabbed Otto’s hand and led him out of the room down the hallway in the opposite direction. Ace looked back, saw them, moaned that her fun was ending, and caught up to them. The three raced down the hallway into another room filled with large glass tubes. Near them was a large console with a hologram of Earth projected.

“That’s kinda cool.” Ace said randomly. Athena rushed over and began pressing buttons. Ace ordered her to set the teleport spot for Alex’s current position, but was slapped out of the way by Otto who politely asked if Athena could send them to Alex’s current position, if it was not too much trouble. Athena was about to answer before the entire ship shook violently once more- this time it didn’t right itself. The entire ship was now at an angle, making walking difficult. Soldiers screamed as they randomly fell past the room the three were in.

“Woops! Time to go! I don’t know what the devil’s doing, but it doesn’t sound good.” Ace said. She worked her way into a glass tube. Otto followed while Athena set the coordinates. She didn’t follow into the third tube, much to Otto’s displeasure.

“What’s wrong? You’re not coming?” He asked. Athena shook her head.

“I can’t abandon my post! I need to remain here.”

“I think the ship’s crashing though. Plus, you just released a prisoner. Xenu’s going to kill you! Just come with us, I’ve always wanted the great Athena to hang with me!” Otto said, blushing. Athena shook her head more.

“I cannot! I’ve never been to Huma! I would not fit in! Plus, I can’t leave, I’m a soldier-”

“Oh for the love of- consider yourself discharged!” Ace yelled, leaping out of the tube and grabbing Athena. Ace shoved her into the tube she was in and slammed the door on her before heading over to the console and waving to Otto.

“What the hell are you doing, Ace?!” Otto called.

“Tell Alex I’ll see her in a couple minutes.” Ace said, grinning. She slammed her hand down on a button labeled “Activate”. Light surrounded Athena and Otto as they cried out. In mere seconds they vanished. Ace turned back to the door as soldiers began climbing up the horrendous angle the ship was now stuck on.

“Rematch, guys?” She mused with a grin. The grin fell when she saw who was behind the soldiers.

“You miserable skidmark on history!” Xenu screamed as he worked his way into the room, fire radiating from his fists. He grabbed the sides of the door and accidentally melted them. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?! We’re crashing because of you! We survived a nuclear onslaught from your primitive retaliation, yet a single stolen ship blew out our jets and sends us careening into the planet? Do you have any idea what you’ve done to my perfect record, you insult to everything I stand for?!”

“You mad?” Ace snickered. Xenu sent a massive fireball straight at Ace, blowing her into the wall so hard it left a dent.

“I’m going to kill you, kill Jehovah, kill whatever meatsack that lazy b*****d is stuck in next, torture him until he begs me to kill him, then do the whole thing all over again until He disintegrates into atoms and floats away into the void! I refuse to let an inferior speck of failure like you ruin my record!”

The ship shuddered once more as it entered the atmosphere. Ace pulled herself from the dent before Xenu rushed over and grabbed her by the throat, intensifying the fires in his fist. The flames exploded from Ace’s neck as she screamed in pain. Xenu only squeezed harder. Ace sent a blast of energy at Xenu’s foot, losing his grip on Ace in the process. The soldiers fired on her, but she dodged them with ease. She grabbed Xenu and hurled him into dent on the wall with so much force it actually broke through the hull and sent Xenu falling to the ground below. She turned back to the teleporters and realized she couldn’t activate them if she was standing inside the glass.

“Uh…could one of you warp me to the ground?” She asked the soldiers, chuckling a little at the awkwardness. The soldiers shot an electric net at her. She dodged it and leaped out of the small hole. She jumped out of the falling ship, which was smoking badly thanks to Hades and catching fire due to falling through the atmosphere, before falling hundreds of feet. The wind on her face felt refreshing for some reason. She closed her eyes and rested a few moments before turning back to the ship, which was now above her. And not falling as quickly. In fact, the ship almost seemed to be rebalancing itself.

She lost focus on the ship after a horrible explosion knocked her around- Xenu was firing fireballs at her from below. She dove down to him and attempted to punch him at terminal velocity, but he simply grabbed her hand, pulled her in, and kneed her in the stomach. He tried to yell something at her, but Ace couldn’t make it out over the wind and the pain. Ace tried to slow her descent and back off but Xenu fired another bolt of flames at her, burning her skin. Ace endured it and decided to dive through the flames and smash Xenu in the stomach- which she did. She punched him so hard he couldn’t counter, and continued to fall at incredible speeds until they both impacted the ground so hard they left craters. Ace groaned as she tried to pick herself up out of the massive hole she left, but Xenu was already to his feet and stomping over to her. He grabbed her by her spiked hair and shook her violently.

“My soldiers have regained control of my ship! They will teleport me back on, and in mere moments I will send so much energy into the center of this massive insult to rock and magma it will implode and take every last one of you disgusting piles of filth with it!” He screamed as loudly as he could into her ear. Just then a massive spike of rock hit him square in the back, making him drop Ace as he flew through the air and crashed into the ground hundreds of feet away.

“You’re not going anywhere, Xenu.” Alex bellowed. She walked forward and gently picked up Ace, who saw Otto and Athena standing behind them. “Not until I settle this. You kidnapped my boyfriend, Xenu. No one kidnaps my boyfriend.”

“That….is my girlfriend.” Otto proudly whispered to Athena as he pointed to Alex.

prev chapter