15. Aliens are not cool

With Jesus defeated, a new threat rises to challenge our hero. But can she defeat them?

“People are being taken hostage and you’re thinking this is cool?”  Alex yelled.  Ace shrugged.

“Come on, what’s more fun than fighting aliens?  Plus, they’re looking for us specifically- deitans.  They’re going to come to us!  Isn’t that awesome?!”

“No, no it’s not.  We need to do something to stop them.”

“Good luck.  There’re reports all over the world of people being abducted.  We can’t save them all.”  Otto said, flipping through the TV channels to get more information.

“So we find the mother ship, send up a computer virus coded on a Macbook that somehow nukes the ship, like in that one movie, in which case we try to out run the explosion with all the abducted people in the back of a hijacked ship from the 1950s, then we have to flash their minds clean with that…that…thingy from that other movie.  Oh!  Maybe we’ll crash land in a jungle with one of the aliens as they try to hunt us down like prey!  Oh man, this’ll be so freaking cool!”

“I swear she just gets dumber as the days go by.” Otto said.

“Putting aside the fact that absolutely nothing you said made any sense, my powers don’t work in space.  We’d need to keep them here, near the earth.”  Alex pointed out.  Ace waved the question away.

“Eh, just wear more of that injun jewelry and you’ll be fine.”

“Injun?!” Alex snapped back, pegging Ace square between the eyes with the remote.  Unlike when Otto would do it, Alex gave it enough force to knock Ace into the wall and permanently break the remote.

“Great, third remote this week.” Otto sighed. “Still regret befriending her?”

“I had an excuse!  And my rock jewelry doesn’t work that way.  I can only get enough to let me walk around like normal, I’d need an entire planet under me to really do damage.”

“No sweat!  We piss off the leader, get them down here, we beat them up, demand we let the humans go, then we shoot energy beams into the ships and blow all the ones we find up!  We’ll be done in like, an hour.” Ace said, regaining her composure.

“Again, you’re asinine methods won’t work.  Why would they care if their leader was killed?” Alex began to argue furiously.  Otto patted her on the back.

“Ladies, how about we figure out what we’re going to do while we head outside?”

“Why would we do that?  We need a plan, a strategy.  Going in guns blazing like Ace suggests would get us killed.”

“I doubt we can do much better at this point.” Otto said, pointing to the TV screen.  Film taken from the other side of a street, seemingly under cover, showed a massive ship, much larger than any of the others shown, landing outside a one story abode with oddly familiar windows and door.

“That’s my house!” Alex screamed.  All three looked at each other and ran outside to be treated to a massive gust of exhaust from the space-worthy bomber ship landing outside their door.

“Oh, d****t, not the lawn!  I just cut that s**t!” Otto exclaimed, missing the bigger issue.  The square vehicle finally landed as the high pitch whir of the engines died down.  The lights surrounding the spherical sides slowed their flashing until they became a steady stream of red.  A platform began to open up and lower as smoke from the hydraulics covered the opening.  A large figure walked down the walkway followed by two others of slightly smaller stature.  The smoke cleared and the three finally got a look at the aliens, at this mysterious species that began abducting deitans the world over.

“Hey look, they’re humans!”  Ace chimed in, somehow relieved.  The man in the middle, about the same height as Alex, wore a large blue military jacket buttoned in the middle and top, with golden hemming that gave the ends of the jacket a jagged look.  The long sleeves had similar design but also sported large golden buttons that latched the sleeve together at the wrist.  His boots had a slight heel, and were white with extra padding along the foot.   The alien’s hair was brown, short, and neat, similar to Hades- the exception being the hair was less shiny and looked more natural.  His face was old and thick, chiseled with time and possible military experience.  But it was his eyes that startled the group- he had no retinas.  His eyes simply glowed green.

“Show me Jehovah’s vassal.” He demanded.  His voice was low and extremely powerful, almost arrogant.

“Yo.” Ace waved without a second thought.  Alex and Otto tried to cover her mouth but it was too late.  The man signaled to the two workers behind him then pointed to Ace.

“Kill it.  Bring me Jehovah after.”  He commanded his two soldiers before turning back and going into the ship with his hands behind his back.  The three jumped back in shock but got into battle formation.

“What?!  Why?!” Ace yelled back.  The man sighed.

“I hate when they talk back.” He mumbled. “Kill it quickly and bring the fat ugly one.  Gaia’s in there, so if you have to, kill it too.”

The two workers pulled out spears that looked like giant forks arcing electricity between the prongs.  Alex forced two stone fists up and grabbed both soldiers, pulling them into the ground and incapacitating them.  The man turned back, but was more annoyed than surprised.

“Did I stutter?  Get out of the ground now and slaughter these worthless sacks of filth before they get away!” He yelled at his men.  Ace took this moment to blast the man with an energy bolt, which hit him directly in the chest.  He didn’t even notice.

“It…it did nothing?”  Ace said without thinking, stunned that she couldn’t harm the man.

“Great, and you dirtied up my best uniform.  Why Jehovah ever bothered with this blight on our universe I’ll never understand.” The man grumbled.  Alex used the same technique she used on the soldiers and grabbed the man with stone.  Surprisingly he didn’t fall into the earth like they did, or even looked uncomfortable.

“Who are you?  Why have you come here?” Alex asked him, posed to strike if she had to.

“This is why you strike first, troops.  Let the inferiors move and they start pretending to have intelligence.”  The man kicked a hole in the tomb created without a second thought, removed one of this white gloves, and backhanded Alex with a loud crack.  Alex flew ten feet before hitting the ground, her hold on the soldiers gone.

“What the hell!” Otto and Ace shouted.  Ace threw a punch but the man grabbed her fist and threw her back into the house, smashing furniture as she flew through two rooms.

“You want to know who I am?  I am General Xenu:  Second in command of our glorious Queen Aramanth.  You’re honored to know such information.” The man said putting his glove back on. “You inferior beings will either enter my ship to be killed or suffer now as my demies kill you and extract the People in your bodies.

“Demies? People?  You mean demigods and gods?  Since when do you know about any of that?” Otto said.

“Since when do you have the right to question me?”

“Answer the question!  How do you know about our gods?” Alex yelled back, getting to her feet and walking back to the man.

“You simple-minded insults to reality.  You really don’t get it, do you?”  Xenu hissed through his teeth.  Otto and Alex shook their heads.

“You assume gods are these great beings of unimaginable power.  Immortal and far above you, as though they sit on another plane of existence.  The truth is that’s the norm for all life in the universe!  All life in the universe except for this disgusting soggy rock’s organisms are your gods!  All of the universe is filled with nothing but your gods!  That is the sole species in our universe!”

“That…that makes no sense.  How did we come to be if all life is immortal and all powerful?” Alex questioned.  Xenu groaned.

“You were an experiment, by the ex-general Jehovah and a few other deserters.  They wanted to create a world of their own, with its own artificial life.  But this ruined everything for us!”

“Sir, do you think it’s wise to tell them everything?  It might be better to just…you know…kill them.” One of the soldiers pointed out.  Xenu laughed.

“At first I wanted to just kill them, but after hearing myself mention all of this, I want to remind myself why we’re here.  Plus, they asked so nicely, I guess maybe I’ll enlighten them before taking their lives.  See for trillions of years the People have been at war.  Two factions of the universe fight for total control of it.”

“Trillions?  The universe isn’t that old!”  Otto pointed out.

“Yes, and your technology is so pathetically inferior that it believes the universe is only a fraction as old as it really is.   Maybe instead of throwing feces at one another like the unevolved apes that you are you’d realize everything you ever knew was a lie!  But to the war- my perfect and infallible queen Aramanth Aegis has fought against an old enemy of ours for eons.  Then this hunk of moss you stains of life call a planet was made, and everything went to the void!  When a Person is killed, and I will admit this is possible, they lie dormant in another Person’s body for the duration of the second Person’s life, which is billions of years.  Only when the second Person dies can the first god be reborn and return to our fight.  But because of Jehovah’s…experiment…People can reincarnate as humans and live out the human’s life, which is a blink of an eye to us.”

“…And?” Alex forced.

“Sir, I strongly advise against this.  You know how you get when given the chance to monologue…”  The soldier kept pushing.  Xenu ignored him and continued.

“It ruins the war!  Soldiers are being reborn faster than they can be killed!  No side is making any headway and no one can eventually win!  We are at a stalemate!  My perfect lord has commanded me to bring home the People currently residing in you compost piles of organs so we can finally bring peace to the universe and end this war.  And to ensure no more cheap deaths will occur, planet Huma will be destroyed!” 

There was a long pause between the three as Alex and Otto looked at one another confused.

“What’s planet Hyoo-ma?” Otto asked.  Xenu stamped the ground in anger.

“This planet!  This planet is Huma!  You’re humans, this is planet Huma!  I hate you inferior parasites!  You don’t even know the name of your own planet!”  He roared.  His eyes began to flash multiple colors as the rage burning within him started to burn outside of him too- he launched a ball of fire at Otto, who instinctively ducked.  Just then Ace bolted out of the house and through the fireball, getting singed along the way.  With a well placed punch to the stomach she sent Xenu flying a few feet, skidding along the ground.  The shockwave from the blow vibrated the area around them but Xenu looked like he barely felt anything.

“You talk way too much.  For the record, I’ll admit I’m not too great with geography, but last I checked this planet was Earth.”  Ace said solemnly, rubbing her fist.  The soldiers sent out a blast of electricity that shocked Ace, knocking her to the ground.  They attempted the same thing on Alex, but she jumped to the ground and let the current hit her and pass into the earth below before jumping back up and launching a rock with a quick thrust of her arm into one of the soldier’s faces.  While he fell the other used his all-purpose spear to fire a net made of energy at Otto, capturing him. 

“Hey!  What’re you doing?!”  Alex yelled.

“Indeed, what’s the meaning of this?”  Xenu ordered his men to explain.

“Sir, our firepower’s insufficient currently to kill them.  Even with your strength backing us we won’t be able to release the People within.  I strongly advise we retreat with a hostage for now and glass the planet as scheduled- Jehovah and Gaia’s souls will be released upon the humans’ deaths.

Xenu smacked his own head and chuckled.

“I should’ve thought of that.” He mused. “I like that plan.  Very well, bring the insect on board.” 

“No!” Alex screamed as she frantically shot a wave of rock at the ship.  Xenu dashed in front of the wave and dispersed it before firing a fireball at Alex and knocking both her and Ace back.

“As for you inferior waste of matter.”  Xenu growled. “If you decide to double your two brain cells you’ll know not to follow us, or this putrid b*****d child dies!”  He sent out an arc of flames that scorched the area in front of the ship and burning everything in its path as it worked its way to Alex’s home and Alex and Ace themselves.  Alex threw up a wall to block it and began throwing stone after stone at the ship at tremendous speed as it rose off the ground.

“No!  No, get back here d****t!”  Alex screamed to the heavens.  Ace groaned as the paralysis and burns began to fade, but Alex forced her to her feet anyway.

“Get up there!  They have Otto!”  She yelled while shaking Ace.  Ace shook her head vigorously and looked at Alex’s home, currently ablaze.

“But your home-” Ace started but was cut short by Alex pushing her away and pointing to the ship.

“Get up there and get Otto back now!”  She bellowed.  Ace nodded and burst into the sky, Alex launching wave after wave of sharpened rocks into the air futilely trying to hit the ship as it increased altitude.   Ace caught up to the ship fairly quickly and began pummeling the sides, leaving only small dents with each impact.  The hatch slowly began to open and out stepped Xenu, holding onto the safety rails.

“Let me show you exactly why you’re inferior.”  He yelled over the jet of the ship.  He stretched out his arm and held it with his other, disregarding his own safety as they flew higher into the air.  Ace shot bolts of energy at him but it deflected off an invisible barrier surrounding Xenu that flashed embers when hit.  Xenu’s outstretched fist began to glow and burn with the intensity of a small sun, turning from a dark red to a bright blue flame.  As he fired the shot off a deafening boom shook the air around them that could be heard miles away.  The resulting explosion when it hit Ace was so immense it nearly knocked the ship aside, and Ace out of the air.  The explosion lit up the sky.  With the sun setting the earth almost looked like two stars revolved around it for those that could see the burst.  Ace fell at terminal velocity and crashed into the city leaving an impact crater that destroyed the street around her, and part of the sidewalk.  And half the park Alex and Ace first met in.  And the tops of two buildings as she made her way down. 

Ace was out cold.  Alex, after smothering the fires on her home, found Ace buried in dirt half a mile away.  Instead of comforting Ace, Alex took a more reasonable approach.

“Wake up!  Wake up d****t and save him!  God f*****g d****t get up!”  She screamed as she frantically tried to wake Ace up by shaking her violently, slapping her, yelling in her ear, and pounding on her chest.  Eventually Ace came too, trying to blow Alex’s sudden outcry.

“I’m up I’m up!  Stop it!” She said.  Alex grabbed her.

“Get back up there!  Now!”  She screamed.

“I can’t!  The ship’s gone!  Plus, Xenu nuked me with something.  I feel like I was gut punched by the sun.”

“Get back up there!”

“I can’t!”

“Please d****t!  Please!”

“I’m sorry, I can’t!”

Alex let go of Ace and collapsed to the ground, crying hysterically as Ace tried to apologize sympathetically.  Alex punched the ground, creating a small quake around them before falling entirely to the ground in uncontrollable sobs that echoed off the buildings.  While the two lay in the ruins of Ace’s failure and Alex’s heartbreak while rain began to fall, Otto in the ship could only think of two things: Who was filming their home, and how do aliens know English?

Author's Note

And it's going to get stranger from here on out, believe you me.