darkness and you

This is one i feel very connected to and it speaks the truth for me .

To make them hear you try 

But all that comes out is a wordless cry

Simplicity has lost its meaning in life

Around every corner new difficulties arise

Creating thoughts too powerful to fight

Treading with caution is futile

Always land in a mess of lies

Change is a demon you hide in your cold eyes

Make them believe your soul is made of ice

Unspoken words haunt the sleepless nights

They say you're unemotional inside 

Little do they know darkness freezes all that comes in sight

And fills the spaces in your mind 

The way it is when you close your eyes

Reviews

[Emma Olsen]

Oh God . . . I wrote a review that was super long and was almost done, but my internet browser crashed. I'm going to try to summarize the points I was trying to make:
You have a good ear for the way a poem should sound and I appreciate your rhymes, but I think that you need to incorporate more action verbs and try to specify words that are generalities. This is a common problem I see, so I'll probably be writing a blog post or something soon, but, basically, I'm reading your poem to see who you are. I'm not reading for an experience I could get anywhere else, I want to see it exactly from your head and I want details. For instance, 'difficulties.' This is a generalized word. It tells me nothing expect that the narrator encountered something that they thought counted as a 'difficulty.' This doesn't mean that they haven't encountered something difficult, but as a reader I have no frame of reference for what kind of difficult thing this could be. I have no gauge for how the narrator has suffered or through what, and so I have no frame of reference for how the difficulties affected them. I don't need a listing of problems, but what's important is showing me how these 'difficulties' have burdened the narrator, how they have made them unique and interesting, how these 'difficulties' have allowed them to break out of cliches or act within them. I want something personal, here. I want to know the narrator, and, through extension, the writer. The most successful writing I've read has always made me not just sympathize but empathize with the writer, and here I'm feeling more sympathy, even though as a person with depression and PTSD I've felt a lot of these things that you're trying to describe. Always try to make your poems more personal and specific, if you can. Some words to expand upon: try (what qualifies as 'trying?'), simplicity (what was simplicity's meaning in life to begin with?), meaning, difficulties, thoughts (what are they?), lies, change, demon (what does the demon look like? What does it do? How does it subvert things?), darkness.
I think the second half of your poem is working better because it's more specific and is really attempting to explain this kind of inner-self versus outer-self type of conflict. Expanding those types of words above will really help bring out your specific, and important, point-of-view.
In terms of verbs - I think a lot of your verbs are very bland. Your word choice, in general, is not very varied, but the most important and vibrant part of the sentence, at least in English, is the verb. There is a huge difference between 'say,' for instance, and 'jeer.' In poems you're really trying to use your word choice to paint a picture for the reader, and I think the lack of colorful verbs here is really detrimental. As an example, I've replaced your verbs in the second stanza with 'action' verbs that convey a specific mood, tone, and action: "Slinking forward, with caution, is futile/ Always, helplessly, splayed in a mess of lies/ Change exists as a demon you cloak in your cold eyes/ Make them believe your soul froze into ice/ Unspoken words haunt the sleepless nights". Hopefully this communicates my point. To be honest, I think you need to work on your imagery in general, you seem to often slip into cliches, but your verbs are really the most powerful part of your sentence. I'd suggest you try to find a number of ways to describe your feelings without relying on larger cliched images (demons, for instance, or the idea that a person/soul can be 'icy' or made of ice). The idea of darkness freezing is good - try to think of new ways to explain these feelings that rely on personal experience, or to at least make the cliche your own. For instance: "Convince them that your soul's buried in tundra, absorbing its cold until it mimics its glassy sheen" or "Make them believe that your hardened soul is as unfeeling as a mountain, as frozen as its peak". Maybe these are longer than you want, but do you see how I tried to make the reader really see and experience something? To express my experience in a way I felt they could empathize? 'Haunt,' in that stanza, is a beautiful verb, but you do so little with it. It might help to have a larger metaphor throughout your poem, one that's consistently referred back to in order to reinforce the comparison of the experience and emotion with a particular object and its associated themes: chains, death, mirrors, cold, etc. I think you might be trying for this, but it's not entirely fleshed out. Some specific images, in general, to ground me as a reader (especially in that first stanza) would be really helpful. You've got some powerful verbiage sprinkled through this (wordless cry, haunt, darkness freezes), but it's not consistent yet and I don't feel you're manipulating it in a way to establish a mood or tone. Consider what words you use, research their meaning, look at their synonyms, research what those synonyms mean - your word choice is incredibly important, especially as a poet. You might want to also research poetic devices, as I think looking into them will help you to really find a way to carve more meaning and depth into your poetry. You have some metaphor and simile, but I think you can milk it more, and I think you'll have a really powerful message once you're able to shape this in a better fashion. I think the base concept and emotion are really provocative, and I want to empathize with the narrator, I'm just having a hard time connecting the narrator's life with mine, which is strange because I think our experiences are similar. I think this is mostly due to generality, as I think this could have a lot of situations and mental states read into it.

A small note: The opening to the poem is a fragment and I was a bit thrown by it. I'd suggest to add a subject (like, 'you want to make' or something) in order to focus it.

Overall, as I said, I think that this has a good core and I'm interested in the subject, but the main issue is that your imagery needs work. I'd suggest also considering capitalization and punctuation while revising this. You have no punctuation, and I think that, potentially, it could help give clues as to how you want this to be read. I think you have a powerful message, I just think you need to work on execution right now. Keep writing and good luck! Let me know if you want me to look over a revision or another piece of work. =)

[Emma Olsen]

lol I guess I just ended up re-writing everything. Oh well, whatever. =P

[samantha brown]

wow! this is the best review i could ask for. i will work on these things and surely put up a revised version . thank u so much .

[Emma Olsen]

I'm glad it's helpful! Good luck with your revisions and let me know. =)

[Aethereal]

Some people are prone to violent mood swings whereby their moods swing so deeply into the dark zone that they feel that they may never swing back out to the heights again. Your poem expressed this plight that some people have. My moods never swing that low, but I can just imagine how terrifying it must be for those who do fall prey to this catastrophic condition.

[samantha brown]

it so happens with me and i try to put the new low i reach everyday into words. It really helps, writing what you feel. I am glad people understand what i am trying to say.

[Aethereal]

You're welcome! Moderation is bliss. Dark moods are juggernauts.

[Pax]

I really like the rhyme scheme here... its easy flowing and smooth... i see that darkness is all around us, it is just a matter if you let it engulf your world or just kept it at bay and stay sharp with a torch to light up the darken roads... very nice piece...

[samantha brown]

oh thank you so much. I see you got the gist of the poem and what i was trying to say with it. It is true if you let the dark enter it wont go away easily and leaves it's mark behind.

[Pax]

your very welcome....... :)