I AM RED

 

 

Tick tick.

Tick tick,

Time’s gone yet the time has arrived.

 

……

Its slit,

Its dripping,

And I see it all around,

Red.Red is the colour.

 

Red on my dress,

A white gown, I loved,

But he loved his mannequin in red,

Yes, it’s red now.

 

Red on my white skin,

It’s wet all over,

That’s how he loved his doxy,

Yes, its wet now.

 

Red in the tub,

Tub, his place to have a ball,

(And my place to purify my body with holy water.)

That’s where he loved his arm-piece in,

Yes, I’m in tub, drenched!

 

Its slit,

Its dripping,

I am red.

The way he loved!!!

 

Reviews

[Edward Beaman]

A woman's suicide after heartbreak. That is what I get from this. The subject is deep and important. However I think you could give this more body and spice (for want of a better word).

"Time's gone and time has arrived" - A little nonsensical, I believe I understand what you are getting at but perhaps adding 'the' before the second 'time' would be more appropriate.

"Red, red is the color." - I have a crazy suggestion for this. Too many 'reds' in two lines. How about "Wine? red is the color." It makes it a little more mysterious and links the usual alcoholic link to dramatic acts. Take it or leave it, maybe a totally ridiculous suggestion on my part. :)

"Thats where he loved his armpiece in" - I don't understand this. Armpiece?

"am in tub" - Maybe 'I'm'? Poetic license is great but not in this case. It looks untidy.

"
Its slit,
Its dripping,
I am red,
The way he loved !!!" - Great last verse, really good.

I like this poem, but I just feel it needs more work on it. The subject you've chosen is excellent though.
:)

[SweetPeachesAlways]

Wow. Dynamic writing. Wow. I can't wait to read everything you've written.

[Ruby Moon]

interesting style and form...
a simple form with a powerful topic...
sent a chill down my spine...(or maybe its just my aching bones)
:P
be seeing you around and thanks for sending that friend request...

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

Nice job.. Love can definetly be painful.

Chloe

[Indira]

Love can be so painful at times....but to end ones life for death is only what a passionate lover can do....great work done....keep it up !

[Frances Lennon]

A very interesting write. It has great potential but to my mind, at the moment needs a bit of revision. I really like the concept though! Great effort.Frances.

[Kate]

Freakishly devilish. I like the way you wrote this one, very sickeningly. My favorite stanza is the second to last; something about the way you described purifying and this murderer's fun in the same spot as in a paradox is fantastic.

Kate

[Kara Emily Krantz]

this is well done... it has a unique style that really works. i have read poems with similar themes but really tritely done - this is not trite at all. good job :)

[Gandré]

I cannot give you any suggests, it's not my mother tongue....
my poetry is edited..
but I like it and also the ending...

:-) a cute red crul poem....can be both....

[Lola Nation]

Bah! You're evil making me read a blood poem! haha.

rich tones of sarcasm.

Suggest line break:
Tub,his place to have a ball,
(and my place to purify my body with holy water,)

I can't really offer much on the content - not my genre nor am I really understanding the point of this poem - that's not a bad thing, could be your own personal joke or strange thought of precious love vows, I have no idea.