Those Greedy Slobs

Revised

     Savanna clutched her purse and shoes against her breasts. She listened for her parents, listening through a hollow door, but heard nothing. They were finally asleep. She crept slowly from her bedroom, down the long hallway, and out into the living room where the light of the streetlights cast a pale glow on her skin.
    She was eager to get out. This house held her like a steel vice, and she could feel its vehement pressure while inside, conforming her to a docile, respectable Daughter. She was already running to the front door in her mind, but in the room took her first tentative step over planks of hardwood. Once outside, she breathed easy, feeling free and weightless. She hopped down the concrete steps from the house, strapped on her heels, and click-clacked to Michelle’s car, idling at the curb a few houses down. She flashed teeth and got in the car.  
    “Any trouble getting out?” Michelle asked as she started to pull away.
    Savanna smiled a devious smirk.
    “Old hat, mah dear.”
    Michelle laughed and Savanna began to put on her lipstick as they pulled away.

    The party had been going for a few hours by the time the girls arrived, and most of the attendees were already smashed. Michelle’s friend Cory met them at the door.
    “Tickets, please.” He said, giving them both a warm smile.
    “I got your tickets right here man,” Michelle said and shook a fist at him as a feeble threat.
    Cory bellowed with laughter and opened the door, eyeing Savanna’s tiny black dress, or more accurately, eyeing what it wasn’t covering as she clicked inside on her heels.
    Five people were huddled in a circle around a coffee table, all with cards in their hands and intense focus on their faces. She recognized Tommy Hatley, who she knew from her sophomore class. He was wearing the empty cardboard box of an eighteen pack as a hat, and was obviously not doing so well in the game. Savanna gave him a pitying wave. Two guys leaned against the wall and passed a joint back and forth, speaking very slowly and thoughtfully to each other, waving their hands to illustrate irrelevant points. There was a crash that came from the kitchen, followed by loud applause, and Michelle dragged Savanna towards the cheers.
    As they poked their heads in, a group had formed around the keg in the center of the linoleum floor. A girl around Savanna’s age was laying on the floor, trying to get up.     She was laughing hysterically.
    “Can’t handle the keg stands, these little ones.” Victor Ward said as the rest of his cohorts laughed at her.
    The girl, wearing a mini skirt and small t shirt, was on her back, knees up, palms behind her, and swaying slightly from side to side.
    “Well I can.” Savanna fired back to Victor, and Michelle only laughed.
    His eyebrows bounced, and waved his hand at the keg as if to say, ‘Be my guest’.
    “Give me a hand?” She asked him coyly, and walked over to it, taking the spout of the tap in her hand. Victor and his friend slowly took Savanna’s legs in their hands, and neither could keep dark thoughts from forming while they were this close to her.
    “Go!”
    They lifted her up and vertical, until her long dark hair spilled over the top of the keg, and she hit the valve and sucked the beer down. Holding her, the boys had a perfect view of her thong, and both held more thigh than they needed to. What they didn’t realize is that this is exactly where Savanna wanted them to be looking, and why she was doing the keg stand in the first place.
    After she’d gulped down all she could handle, and they set her back down, there was cheering from all the boys. Partly amazed with her drinking prowess, and also because their raging hormones had just witnessed teenage crotch.
    The strong buzz hit Savanna like a frothy brain freeze, and then settled, giving her a relaxed cool. But the power of holding these dogs in the palm of her hand hit her harder, and she gave them a methodical smile and turn, setting back off to the living room, and leaving Michelle with the boys and the beer and the cheering.

    Savanna smoothed out her dress, and pulled  down the hem into place at her upper thigh. The cut was low, coming to a rounded ‘V’ at her chest. Her breasts were small and pert, but the dress framed them in a way she loved, and caused tongue wagging to abound. She was beginning to discover her sexual power over men, and loved knowing she excelled at it. Up until a year ago, Savanna had been a shy tomboy, but after meeting Michelle(and the subsequent, if slightly forced, makeover that ensued), she was starting to find she liked the attention. The boys had never talked to her before.
    “Phhhhheeewww!” A boy who was smoking a joint whistled at her.
    She’d found her mark.
    Savanna sauntered over to him, and swiftly took the roach from his hand, taking a professional hit while he gaped at her.
    “Is anybody else supposed to be showing up tonight?” She asked hoarsely while he looked on with his mouth open.
    “Uh, I thick Charlie and Sam are coming by in a bit.” He offered.
    “You thick?” She laughed at him.
    “Think! Haha, I think!”
    “Yeah, apparently not!” She laughed and playfully hit his arm with her hand, bored. She passed back the joint and moved on to less inebriated prey.
   
    “F**k! Goddammit Roy! Every hand with this s**t, I’m out!” Tommy Hatley, who no longer looked victimized, stood up from the card game and threw his makeshift stovepipe hat onto the play pile. Roy, a twenty four year old idiot with a knack for cards, bolted upright from the couch, quick to accept Tommy’s unconscious challenge.
    “You don’t like how I play?” Roy asked him calmly, his hands closing. The two stared at each other on either side of the low table. Roy’s eyes were glazed and manic.
    “No, I just…” Tommy wavered and dropped his gaze for a split second. He’d already lost the standoff.
    “I just don’t wanna play anymore. I’m sick of losing.”
    Roy snickered, and gave the impotent kid a little push.
    “Then get better.” He said sneering.
    The nervous group surrounding them now let out a nervous laugh.
    Tommy scrunched his brow and walked into the kitchen, with Savanna tracking slowly behind him. Her diamond façade cracked a little at the sight of Tommy being pushed around. There was empathy somewhere deep inside.
    He walked past the keg and opened a high cabinet over the sink, revealing a Jack Daniels bottle.
    Savanna raised an eyebrow, surprised.
    Tommy took a swig, and headed out the back door as the kitchen drinkers looked on speechless.
    They were momentarily frozen, before a thin grungy kid exclaimed,
    “We had booze the whole time?!”
    They all laughed at him.
    Savanna trailed after Tommy onto the back porch.
   
    He was angrily trying to light a cigarette when she sat down on the stoop.
    “Can I have one of those?” she asked timidly, her perfect resolve giving way in the presence of this skinny, disgruntled boy.
    He offered her his pack, and she delicately took one out, holding it between pursed lips as she checked her purse for a lighter.
    He lit it for her without being asked, and Savanna was taken aback by this small gesture.
    She started to feel uncomfortable in her dress.
    “Not doing so well tonight in P&A, huh?” She asked, elbowing him.
    He wasn’t amused.
    “You know, those a******s always treat me like s**t. Yeah, I’m young, but I can drink with them best of them and I always bring pitch-ins. They’re all just a bunch of dicks.” He took a long pull from the bottle, and absently handed it to Savanna.
    “You’re Mike’s sister, right?” He asked, finally acknowledging her.
    “Mmm hmm, and maybe now that he’s off at college people will actually bother to learn my name.” She said blankly, feeling the whiskey burn her throat while she looked out into the black backyard. It had never been easy being the little sister of a star quarterback.
    “It’s Susanna, right?”
    “Savanna.” She said emptily.
    Tommy winced.
    “Sorry, I won’t forget again. Promise.”
    Savanna quivered a little, and for no reason, she leaned over and kissed him. Not a deep passionate kiss, but one of comfort and vulnerability. She kissed him in the way she always wished all the boys would kiss her. With softness and respect.
    “What was that for?” He said, trying to sound calm with his heart triphammering in his chest.
    Savanna took a slow deep breath and sighed.
    “I don’t know, I just felt like you needed it. Maybe I did too. Sometimes it‘s hard just being.”
    Tommy was startled. He’d never heard anyone say something like that. She looked different to him somehow. 
    She took another swig of the bottle and passed it back.
    “You’re really pretty, you know.” He said softly.
    “Thanks.” She said automatically, used to compliments when she dressed like a s**t. There was a sliver of shame in her.
    “No.” He turned her head by the chin to look at him, and her eyes caught the light of the moon. He looked deep into them, ignoring all the bare flesh she’d put on display.
    “I mean, you’re beautiful.”
    And in the womb of the dark porch, as his hands enveloped hers, she knew he really meant it.
     

Reviews

[Orla]

I like this one Tim...story is great...observations are great. It seems to really flow from the second paragraph onwards all the way to the end. The only thing that seems a little weird to me is when I read the opening, the description of how she gets out of the house doesn't have that same sense of flow. I don't know whether it is too many "she's" or what, but for me, it was more work to get through than the rest of the story. I am weird and picky though :) I'll be interested to hear how it goes when you present it. Good luck!

[Leap]

Adorable. I know you'd prefer a different word, but that was honestly the first word that came to mind. I'm so used to us (i mean many of the people we know) writing darker material. And while that is awesome and entertaining, reading a story like this is kind of a breath of fresh air. I even expected a darker outcome for most of this until the end.
Your dialogue is fantastic! I struggle in that area. The fact that your second piece of dialogue is, “Old hat, mah dear," is a testament to your skill. I'm a bit jealous.
You have to tell me how the workshop goes...I'm curious if anyone will find problems with it. I have absolutely none. You've got an original voice buddy. I'm impressed.

[DavidRyanM]

Definitely took a completely different turn than I thought it was going to. Nicely done on bringing out the fact that everyone, no matter how they act or dress, are really just trying to be noticed for who they are. A couple misspelled words, but since you're not saying this is the final draft or anything, we'll leave it alone. Dug it a lot, man.

[Paula Tsurara]

It dragged me in and kept me there through the whole story. I don't have anything overly critical to say about this work. I like it. I liked it so much I didn't even notice whether or not there were any grammar mistakes, and I always look for those. The story reminded me of real people I've known. Well done.

[Brittany]

Why does the phrase "teenage wasteland" come to mind? I read this about a half an hour ago, and had to ponder. Very reminiscent of Brendan and Lucas days, eh? I really like all the elements in this. Very honest. The girls thinking their worth measures up to their lack of clothing, their "ability to party". When you're younger, the path to self-discovery can be mistaken by social-identity. I love the ending, Tommy seeing through the make up and s****y clothing, to see the vulnerable girl who just wants to fit in. Very well done my friend.