Crush

Renee runs into her longtime crush Hayden. For ten years both lead very different lives without one another. Now Hayden is showing more of an interest in her than he ever showed before.

       A chilly breeze swept over her nude body. She pulled the soft lavender blanket up over her head wrapping herself in it like a burrito. The ocean roared, seagulls sung awakening Renee to full awareness. Tossing her blanket to the other side of the bed she decided to get up. The glowing neon green numbers on the clock radio read five thirty, a half hour earlier than the alarm was set at. Slipping her feet into her hot pink fuzzy slippers she grabbed her black rimmed cat eye glasses off the mahogany nightstand.

       Cold floors were a serious pet peeve of hers so every night before bed she'd place her beloved slippers at the bottom of the bed to have them handy. Frequent calls to the bathroom had woke her throughout the night and the ice cold tile floor had drove her crazy. After a few nights of this she had decided to invest in a nice pair of slippers. Wearing her slippers on the sand whenever she walked out to sit and take in the extraordinary ocean view of the Pacific had wore holes right through them. It was time to buy a new pair. 

       She picked up a pack of Virginia Slims and a playboy lighter and went out to the balcony to sit. Just sitting outside doing absolutely nothing had become a morning ritual of hers. The quiet hours of dawn gave her time to reflect on her life. This was her private time of being alone. Of thinking about her unstable childhood, her family she longed to be closer to, her two best friends, her past loves and heartbreaks, her goals, dreams, and desires. Her life.

        The carnival she had been apart of had set the tone for rediscovering who she was, who she is, and who she wants to be. 

        Renee decided to check herself out in the mirror one final time before leaving her room. This was a habit of hers she was desperately trying to break, she wasn't a conceited person rather a girl with a past of low self esteem. Over the years she had gained confidence but at times there was still that shy insecure girl that resurfaced.

       She wondered if she should dye her hair another color, perhaps platinum blonde or remain a redhead. That old saying blondes have more fun wasn't necessarily true. She was having a good time vacationing at the beach but couldn't help wonder if she'd ever meet a man of her newly formed standards, then she could have a great time.  

       The hotel she was staying at was quite luxurious, a hundred dollar a night suite she was able to afford only because of her bonus money she had earned while working a carnival. Staying at a fancy hotel was a first for her. At the age of twenty five now in her life there were many firsts.

      She had plans to meet up with her two best friends Natalie and Shenae to go out to lunch and catch a movie later in the evening. While working for the carnival she had met Natalie and Shenae and had gotten to know each of them, both she felt grateful to have in her life. Renee had never been the kind of girl to have alot of girlfriends, this was a part of her life that was changing and she couldn't be happier. 

       For so long she had been a loner and it came as a total surprise to her when Shenae had started to show an interest in getting to know her. Shenae was the type of woman Renee longed to be, she was outgoing always up for trying out new things, spontaneous, full of endless energy, rambunctious, confidant, sassy, feisty, and outspoken. She was pretty not beautiful but her confidence made up for that. 

        Natalie on the other hand was a total knockout, she had long thick blonde hair, a slim petite body, and crystal blue eyes. Her personality was not as vibrant as Shenae's but she was bubbly and friendly. Renee had never before felt close enough to anyone to call her best friend but these women were.

        Instead of driving Renee decided she'd walk on the boardwalk down to the cafe. The weather was lovely, sun shining and a cool breeze coming from the ocean. Once she arrived at the cafe she chose to sit outside at one of the tables. A skinny waitress came up to her offering to take her order. May I take your order ma'am? No Thank You. My friends aren't here yet. The waitress nodded asking Perhaps something to drink then? Renee answered cheerfully Coke please. Thanks. 

         Renee had been sitting waiting for at least a half hour, she began to wonder what was keeping Natalie and Shenae. Pulling her blackberry from her Versace purse she hit speed dial tapping her nails against the glass tabletop. A perky voice spoke Hey Renee, what's up girl? Whats taking you guys?, she asked. What are you talking about, is it one? Ah No, it's twelve thirty! she said sounding agitated. Were meeting at one p.m, didn't you know that? No Natalie, I did not know that, I could have swore Shenae said twelve. Sorry, see you in a little while. Renee hung up. She was pissed.

          Renee! Renee! She couldn't see who was calling her name, the sun was shining directly in her eyes so she held her right hand up to block the glare to get a better view. Once the figure came closer she heard a sexy voice and it immediately registered as to who this mystery man was. The guy who was her hugest crush, the guy who she thought was the hottest ever, the guy who could be such a prick at times, the guy who was her exes brother, the guy she secretly longed for. The guy she never really got to know. Hayden? 

           

Author's Note

This is a very rough "Rough Draft" of the beginning of a story. I feel that I have a difficult time with stories and believe i'm better at poetry but would love to someday complete a well written story. Any constructive critisism is appreciated greatly.

Reviews

[Bethany Woody]

When telling a story you need a clear begining, set the backround, introduce characters, place the story, all the little details that sometimes get in the way. In this you make an honest effort at backround, but it feels almost rushed, it's like you want to hurry up and get to the good stuff of Hayden showing up. Who is Renee? Where did she come from? Why is she on the beach, what beach? Is she in Mexico, perhaps Cancun, or Hawaii or Aruba? Talk about the island a little, what does she see, what does she smell, what does she hear. Basicaly put your reader in Renee's shoes using your words, make us be Renee.
You also need a middle, which I assume is coming soon. Use your middle to talk about the developing relationship between Renee and Hayden. To talk more about Renee's relationship with her two friends, etc. In other words the middle is the meat of the story.
It should give an idea of where the story is going to end, how the story is going to end.
Your end should wrap up any lose ends from the middle. There should be a climax to the story, what the middle built up to, the reason you were writting this. It's where you wanted the reader to end up. It's what you want the reader to take with them when they put the story down, are done reading.
Also spell check, watch word endings wonder should be wondering, etc.
This is a great effort at a begining for a short story. I'd love to see where this goes, where you plan to take it. Please send a read request when you have more.

[DarkRainbowPie]

I'm sure the finished piece will turn out great :)

[DarkRainbowPie]

I like how the ending leaves me wanting to read more to hear more about this 'Hayden' guy, but the paragraphs are confusing. Reading it through, it seems like they're extracts from different chapters in a book, like there's a lot of information missing or something. I see that it's a rough draft, so I'm sure you'd have no problem adding more information in, setting a better background and character history, and getting the paragraphs to link together better, because it's a very good "very rough "Rough Draft" ", well done! :)

[Danielle]

Thank you, i'm working on it...

[Tabitha t]

I do not feel as though this is the very first chapter in this story. I feel as though I jumped straight into chapter three maybe. I would love to know more about the characters and their history first. unless you plan on sneaking it into the story later on. Also the phone conversation became a bit hard to understand in who was sayiong what. but besides that I loved the details and i think you have talent.