the ravine

depression has come back at full force and i felt the need to write about it

it’s a visceral feeling, depression is

one moment you can’t remember what it feels like

to be constrained to the dark

the next you’re blindfolded,

walking a tightrope,

desperately holding out both your arms to steady yourself

find some sort of balance

but in lieu of a railing, or any means of support

you reach out into darkness and find nothing

it is in this balancing act that i feel the empty begin to seep into my very being

i cannot see the tightrope in front of me

so instead, i fall victim to gravity

feel myself heavy, made of lead,

dead weight,

descending into the muddied waters below

i no longer have the energy to climb the sparsely scattered ladders

back to the top of the chasm, to safety

fully aware that i’ll eventually be thrown back into equilibrium

into this decaying world my brain naturally gets pulled to

almost inherently, instinctively

as if it is easiest to exist in a place of desolation,

despair,

hopelessness,

isolation,

an abyss of endless thoughts

and the painful self awareness of a brain

that lacks the will to begin living again

potential energy is nowhere to be found

this ravine is rife with a cold apathy

warmth does not reach these depths;

it only gets warmer if you begin to ascend

and i feel i no longer have the reserves to attempt again

perhaps, one day, i will

but that day is not today

this uphill battle continues its painful pattern

a vicious cycle of extremes;

perfectly functional, elated about living one month

completely debilitated, unable to get out of bed the next three

and yet, the misery of this impossible trek

though exhausting, agonizing, and some days incapacitating

i will try to not let it get the best of me

remain standing, even if i cannot run

remain breathing, even if i cannot catch my breath

a flip in perspective,

a lighter tone of voice

a small step that turns an ever-repeating “why even try?”

into a slightly more bearable

“well, why not?”

Reviews

[Pure Evil]

This one has nailed EXACTLY what I feel....Depression has tortured me for well over 40 years. You are a very talented writer and I would love to be able to write this way. Excellent job